It is time to fall in love with myself

First of all, Happy belated New Years everyone! I am aware that I am late to the party but I definitely don't want to miss the opportunity to wish you all happiness, health, strength and courage and faith this year. Last year was a year that challenged a lot of us and we can only hope this year we are able to challenge and improve ourselves.
Having that said, in the spirit of Valentine's day, I am writing this post about what I have learned about myself and love.
For many years, I believed to the core of my being that I did not deserve love. You see, deserve is the keyword here because I have always measured myself as deserving or not deserving to receive rewards in my life. This is most likely based on my faith and the many years of attending church.
I have always believed I didn't have what it takes to deserve love. I was not the type of woman who deserved to be happy and be part of someone's dreams. This is heartbreaking to think through because every quasi-relationship I've had, has done nothing but confirm the worst of my fears.
First, I was so desperate to have a boy notice me but he never did. Then I was desperate to have a boy reciprocate the fact I liked them, and he seldom did. Following that, I was dying to have boy say he loved me but he rarely did. And most recently, I was hoping that a boy would want to stick with me, despite my flaws, but he never did. I first showed him the best of me, then I showed him the real me. All this time I gave him the power to decide for me whether I was worthy or not, whether I was deserving or not.
I've always wanted to define myself as a woman who is independent and strong and capable, but above all confident enough not to be shaken or broken by one person, one moment in time, one bad experience, but I did, I continuously did. I gave up my power because I was afraid to be alone, not to be wanted, not to be good enough. It was never about me, it was always about how much I wanted them to desire me because I wanted to be the real incorporation of someone's dreams but not mine.
It's enough, isn't it? It's enough of waiting for a reply, for a gesture, for a word of empathy and love. It's enough. It's time to fall in love with myself, to desire myself, to work on building myself and destroying all the barriers around me. Love cannot be extrinsic, it needs come from within. Not within words or other person's heart, your heart. They are not driving to your destination, it's your journey, you are in control of your happiness. The sooner we realise that the sooner we, and by we, I mean me, will feel that I am deserving of love. All types of love, but most importantly, love for myself.


Love always, yourself

Tommy

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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It is time to reflect...

We have got to that time of the year. The time of self-reflection, of acknowledging the accomplishments achieved this year and thinking what we have missed too.

It’s been a year of ups and down. Throughout the year I have honestly believed that it was the worst year of my life and that I wouldn’t be able to achieve anything I could feel proud of. I cried many times thinking of love and my future. I have feared so much that I might have developed a panic disorder to all sorts of scenarios and life situations. However and despite all, I am here. I haven’t failed.  I have worked hard, I have been inspired and I have surpassed challenges bigger than the limits created by my mind.

In the beginning of next year it makes 5 years of the story I titled “Adventures in Queensland”.  So many hopes, so many unknowns and so many dreams composed Tommy of 5 years ago. She was naïve in so many things. She had just turned 18 and she had several pre-conceited ideas stemmed from years of church and accepting other people’s truths. She believed in the power of choice and she was so kind and caring. She was so innocent in that pretty way too. She believed in fairy tales and she believed in that type of love that makes your heart swoon with happiness and chills. The amazon type you see, the type of love full of life and adventures and beauty and dangers and unknown. The type of love you never get to forget because it was just that special.

She wished for growth and skills. She was immensely self-critical and she didn’t think too much of herself. She believe in the power of her mind, but there was complete disbelief in the power of her personality and heart and appearance even in making a difference to someone else.

She aspired for knowledge, so many knowledge that she consumed more books and learned more words in a day that she could count.  All she wanted was to make her family proud and to contribute to make the world a better and safer place to one person.

If Tommy from 5 years ago is still around, then I want to send her a message. Darling, you have to be proud of yourself. That compliment that you find hard to hear and accept, oh my love, you deserve it.

That smile that sport on the streets of the small town you live is what keeps you alive.

That kindness is what makes you different. Don’t get involved in anything that doesn’t make you grow or empowers others to do so too. Don’t accept other people’s derogatory comments about you.

Self-criticism is good but don’t hurt yourself. Give yourself a break at times. It is a journey of self-growth and acceptance and if you keep doing what you are doing, you are going to take the world by storm day by day, smile by smile.

I love you, remember that.

This year I don’t get to spend Christmas with my family for the first time. This year I don’t get to spend my birthday with my family for the first time. This year I get to create new memories and develop my own understanding of Christmas and hopefully gain the type of wisdom I can carry for life.

With love,

Tommy

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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To wish is to hope and to hope is to believe

I guess we all believe that our lives are way more interesting than they truly are, don't we?
We all want to believe in different scenarios and different outcomes to the events of our lives.
We all want to live near the edge but never on the edge.
We all want to own what we can't own and take what doesn't belong to us.
We all want the perks but never the work.

And having this kind of mindset is what takes us to do the silliest things and go down the same roads, innocently hoping for a better outcome.

2016 came with changes and hardships and a lot of the same too.
I saw myself getting into something fresh and new with someone that felt mature and known, only to find out that it would come to an end way faster than it started and that the end would be similar to previous ones.
I like to believe that if I write it all down than I make it all legit and real. By writing it all down, I allow the universe to make my dreams come true and my deepest desires heard.

Truth be said, I most likely am fooling myself. But to wish is to hope and to hope is to believe.

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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An open letter to me

Here are the words I'll never say to him or to myself out loud or to anyone else.
In matters of heart, time plays no role. It is something I deeply feel these days and it is something I have realised over the years. I am a disguised old school romantic. I want everything I ever read and I want more. I want romance and I want a passionate and longing love. And it is with this in mind that I have always tried to find love and dear God, I have failed miserably.
I have always dreamt about being successful too. Achieving my goals, reaching out to people in ways that spoke to their hearts. More or less, I believe I have been blessed enough to be able to do that, at times. I have also been blessed with a wonderful family who loves me so deeply and a group of best friends who always had my back.  Maybe it is because of that. Due to the fact that I am so blessed with family, friends and a possibility of a future that love never really worked out for me. Maybe you cannot have it all and I am just too blessed to have love in my life too.
I guess you can tell but I was in love again. I was in love for over a year, though I kept trying to hide this knowledge from myself. Surprisingly enough, I think I even fell harder this time. I thought I couldn't but here am I again.
To understand that distance does not always make the heart fonder, or at least not to everybody, has been a sad realisation of mine in this whole process of being in love. And you know what is so funny? I thought I did it right this time. I was careful. For the longest time, though the feelings beared in my heart and I felt the need to let them out periodically, I stood on my ground and I kept all of it inside of me, in a safe location. Up until the moment I felt they were finally reciprocated in the way I deserved it. Maybe that was my first mistake...lowering my guard...
If I would tell you the story, you would swear I took it out from a Disney-produced movie or some cheesy rom-comedy. It was that beautiful. It was that enchanting and it was that deep. I didn't know how to deal with all the feelings but I never felt happier. More acknowledged for who I really was and more desired. Not just the hot passion but the security. I felt safe for the first time with someone. I never felt that way before. I never felt that they could look after me and that I could fully trust them but this time, though he never promised anything and I never asked him to, I finally felt safe. He told me the words I craved to hear all these years. I wasn't expecting them, at all, and I never forced him to even mention a word. I played no direct role into making him say those words, so I thought they were as genuine as they could be. The reason he said them to me and out loud, it was selfish and selfless at the same time. Funny thing, right? Selfless because he did it to make me happy without thinking of himself too much and selfish because he wanted me to be his, only his. Or at least I thought.
He seemed to be the classic king of hearts. He didn't seem perfect. I have always seen his flaws and that is what made it feel so real to me. We didn't seem perfect either but it felt the most real it ever did, a feeling couldn't question... finally. It felt strong and it felt longing. It was a deep feeling but a safe feeling too. 
I don't hate him for not feeling the same way anymore. Why would I? I don't think I would ever be capable of hating him. He didn't do me wrong, not purposely.
I just know that after so many slaps to my self-esteem and self-worth, I deserve more. I am not perfect. I am as flawed and distorted as reality can be but I am a person with qualities and dreams and hopes who deserves someone dedicated who sees me as a priority, not as a possibility.
I loved him. I didn't want to and I tried not to - so hard. But I am not naive or weak anymore.
I am everything I went through. I am everything I hoped to be. I am strong in my weakness and powerful in my pain. I am ME and I will not let ME break into more pieces.
With him I always thought it was bad timing but the truth is it wasn't timing or distance that wrecked us. It was lack of feelings and desires. It was lack of motivation and sadly enough for me, lack of love. Lack of the type of love I deserve. We ran out of feelings, not time, but that is ok.
In the words of John Green, some infinites are bigger than others. And ours was too strong to ever last too long. In the words of my favourite poet, Fernando Pessoa, “The value of things is not the time they last, but the intensity with which they occur. That is why there are unforgettable moments and unique people!".  Thus, I am forever grateful for having met him and for having felt loved and cared for the way I did, even though it was for a short period of time. 

With love,
Tommy

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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Easter Break - 2016 update

Hey guys, long time no see! Hope you're all doing well and enjoyed a peaceful and mouthful Easter break with your folks. Mine was full adventures and I am here to tell you a few of them, if your time allows.
First of all, however, a quick update of 2016 so far. 2016 as I explained in my previous post, has been a very stressful year for me. Why, you ask... It is very simple, I feel that I am wandering. I fearing my future every second as I do not feel that I have skills or I am good enough to be hired as a professional of my area of expertise. I am not completely sure of where to go next and what I do next or even how to become the future person I see myself as. I guess finally at 22, I am having an identity crisis. I thought I had my life figured out before I graduated last year but it turns out, it is not so simple.
God, wherever He is, I am pretty sure he is testing my perseverance which makes me feel grateful  for my stubbornness and blind inner positivity which do not allow me to conform or give in to a downgraded version of myself. 
I would be lying if I said I haven't felt unmotivated and exhausted because I feel it every day. However I am not allowing myself to feel threatened by failure anymore. I encounter failure on a daily basis every single time I open my email and I realise I have failed yet another interview. However what these holidays taught me were that it is worth to wait for something better and I strongly believe something greater is coming towards my way and I am here, working and getting myself ready to embrace it.
At the moment I am attempting to concentrate again in my studies as I have three major deadlines coming soon, dissertation work to sort out, interviews lined up and PhD applications to complete and send on time. If for some reason I do survive April, I will surely feel very accomplished, something that I haven't felt in a way.
My difficulty in concentrating is obviously due to the fact that I have just returned from a week holiday in Slovakia and Austria, mostly Slovakia. This week was full of experiences, I wish I was able to express the excitement of these holidays through words but given that I am no writer, you will have to take my word for it. It had everything I needed. We traveled plenty, we ate plenty, we laughed plenty and we enjoyed ourselves plenty.
Slovakia is a wonderful, wonderful country that one of my best friends is from and I had the opportunity to meet her beautiful family who so lovely and gracefully accepted us (me and another of my friends) in their home and made us feel part of the family.
Experiences started from almost missing the flight, to participating in theme parties, shopping like crazy, being stopped at the border between Slovakia and Austria in the middle of the night and falling in love with an amazing who happens to love me back.
Not all have been wonders during the time I was there. My family has been going through a particularly harsh time. My uncle who I have known my whole life has passed away and my heart aches of even thinking about it or thinking about my cousins and how they are dealing with it, given that they are only teenagers. My heart aches of thinking of what I would do if such had happened to me because I don't think I could handle it. Ever. It's something my heart could never endure because I love my parents so much and I appreciate all they do for me every day and I cannot see myself moving on with my life without them... ever.
Okay... this was not meant to be a sad post, so getting back to sunny side of the globe. The holidays were amazing because I had the chance of feeling love and appreciated, something that I haven't felt in a long time, if ever. I will dedicate a post later on to our story so you can understand a bit more of my struggles and where happiness is steaming from.
I hope you're all okay and despite what you're days have been like in 2016, don't give up hope, because better days are coming. Trust me on this.


With love

Tommy

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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We regret to inform you that your application has not been successful!

Alright...so 2015 was a hard-working year.
It was year of putting myself up to test. To see how much I could balance in one hand. To see if I would cry if I ever felt unbalanced. However, hard-work paid off at the end of it and I've never, ever, felt more proud of my own achievements.
Of course things went completely different from what I've expected but they worked in my favour because I worked for them. I had what I needed and not what I wanted. What I needed was achievement, knowledge that I could make it if I put effort. Knowledge that are always alternative ways and God is not blinded to my suffering.
I've also learned that I was entitled to something and I just had to work to get it. 2015 got me hopeful and inspired in ways I wish I could explain.
For some reason, I thought that 2016 was about to be the same. Here is my mistake, hoping I could copy and paste experiences and behaviours, even though I am no longer the same person as yesterday.
Here is the truth about 2016. In 2016 I am a graduate student. I am ready to go out there and start the career I've always dreamed of. In 2016 I am also postgraduate student who has so little knowledge about her field that feels frightened to open her lungs and express her opinions.
In 2016 I am working hard in different ways and not giving up at first failure. In 2016 I am not getting outside rewards for my daily achievements so I am feeling more and more diminished every day. 2016 keeps telling me "No, you are not good enough", "Thank you for applying. We regret to inform you that your application has not been successful", "No, you don't have what it takes".
While this isn't new for me, it is affecting me. I am waking up everyday ready to be happy and fight what I am entitled to and everyday I go to sleep knowing that it was not my day, not this time. 2016 is forcing me out of my comfort zone and getting me to doubt my gut. Sometimes I can't tell which ways the wind blows and what heart says.
Should I try harder? if so, how do I do that? Should I give up and go back home? Go back home to what?
2016 keeps telling me there are things I can't do and that my previous successes do not mean my future success.
However my biggest quality still is stubbornness. I am not allowing 2016 to tell me what I can or what I can't do. I am failing sometimes and I can even fail all the time but failure is the motivational underpinning to my success.
And no, I do not define success by getting a job. I do want a job and I a2m working towards it. I define success by feeling achieved and whole as I did last year when I realised "I made it".
 I am not quitting, I am not falling back. For every "Thank you for applying. We regret to inform you that your application has not been successful." there is a new application to fill. For every "you are not good enough", there is a new opportunity that fits my criteria. For every "you don't have what it takes", there is a challenge that allows me to show that I do.
I believe there is a plan for me and I believe I am right on track.
It may not always look the brightest from where I am standing but there is still light .

Love always

Tommy
"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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My Valentine's

I am afraid to say what I'm about to say because destiny may attempt to take them for me , but I possibly have the best friends in the world.
I know people say this all time and I have said it before too but I am truly convinced that this time no one is luckier than me.
I have been blessed in ways only angles could have planned and simultaneously challenged in ways only devil could have interfered.
I won't dwell on this for too long because I'll bore you with all my luckiness and perky happiness but I will tell you this much. These girls represent the best of me. Each of them owns qualities I intensely admired. Each of them is beautifully strong in their flaws and inspires me to aspire more than a simple future and a simple life. I love them for that. And much. Much. More. As it turns out, the gift of friendship has been the Valentine's I have been dreaming about.

Love always,

Tommy

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In 2015 I won at life!

As I am seating here, in the classroom, for the last day of this very long semester and the very first month of the year, I am wondering what has been of my life.
I feel pride in all I've achieved at times, but exhaustion consumes me more often. I see myself confused and weaker than I once predicted. Stronger than I was, nevertheless.
I still own the same dreams, you know, so I haven't changed that much. Some of these dreams did come true, some haven't.
I am yet to win battles I have been fighting for too long and I couldn't be prouder of myself for not giving in to the destiny.
In 2015  life was funny and tricky. It build me up so much so that it could put me down. It gave me people and things that made happier than I ever thought I could  so that it could show me how difficult it would be without them.
It was epic in all forms of history. With entanglements I still don't understand. I have felt loved in ways I didn't know I could. Heartbreak didn't break me no longer. And mistakes didn't haunt me for too long.
In 2015 I won at life in million different ways. I can't wait for the challenges of 2016...

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Tinder stories

Okay, you read the title and you are judging me already?

If we are to have an honest conversation here you need to stop judging me…can you do that?

Okay, now we can get on with it.

So I have been hearing from all sources of our mother web for years about tinder. Tinder is an app in which people upload their pictures, sometimes connect it to facebook, and then you, based on your defined sexuality, are able to swipe right for a person you want to chat with or swipe left for someone that does not make your type, all of them being geographically close to you so you have the option of ever meeting, if you want-

Now that we established tinder, here’s my opinion. Tinder is just another dating site and as with dating sites as many others made for hook-ups and unrealistic romantic folks.

Tinder is not my first experience on a dating site/app. I’ve been trying them for years in fact. In the beginning perhaps I had the goal of finding someone different who I wouldn’t meet necessarily within my circle of friends and acquaintances. I have even actually met one guy from a dating app (not tinder) and we did date, for a while.

However as years passed by, I became understanding that the likelihood of you finding a meaningful relationship from a dating app is near to almost impossible. The people there most of the time are real but they are shield by the power of the internet that enables them to say whatever you want to hear. It’s that simple…

Not to put any blame on guys here and it is not because girls are stupid either. What girls on tinder do (and not only) is willingly blindfold themselves so guys have little work to do when it comes to fooling them for ulterior motives.

Here is what us sisters and girls of this world need to understand before getting on a app as tinder.

1^st thing: 100% of the guys who approach you want sex. Let’s make it clear here. Did you digest that? Okay, I’ll say it again. They want to sleep with you and they saw a change to make it happen and that is why they approached you. The sooner you get into terms with this, the sooner we can get on with the best part of it.

2^nd thing: Not all guys are players though. Some guys though they are sexually attracted to you and definitely want to sleep with you, they are so genuinely interested in you. Are you surprised? It’s true. You are interesting human being with tons to offer so trust me , for me, it’s no surprise they want to know more about your life.

3^rd thing: You will chat with more guys who solely want to get in your pants than guys who want to have a real conversation with you.

4^th thing: there is also a quarter of this population of guys which will include men with double of your age, disgusting men who will forward a bunch of pictures of themselves, creepy creepy guys who will get overly attached to you when you reply to them once or twice, guys who will get verbally aggressive to you, guys who will say the most disgusting things to you, etc. etc.

5^th thing :1% if not less of all the guys who will approach is probably boyfriend material and even perhaps husband material. That is the good news. Have you not ever watched a video of a couple who met on tinder or match.com? It’s real. Many of them are still together!0

The problem for me with that 1% is how unlikely is it to happen. It is worth it? Sure! Yet so rare. While some people are fine to go through the trouble of meeting a bunch of no guys to find their yes guy, I am an impatient person and hate to feel that I missing out on life because of a virtual thing.

So the reason I use tinder isn’t to date. In fact, At this moment I have around 30 messages over there from different people that I have never replied. Tinder as the most recent and chaotic and known dating tool has become my new research tool. I am using tinder as the platform to get the answers for several of my questions of what guys will or will not put up with in a in a girl.

Check the next chapter to figure out the top things I have learned about the opposite sex so far.

Love always,

Tommy

 

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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Brand new chapter!

So guys, you literally have no idea for how long I have been trying to get my thoughts down here. However for some reason the timing to do it seems never right: laptop is broken, phone is broken, no broadband in the house, etc…

Don’t worry, I hear it as you do, as the very strongly thought excuse it is. But bear with me.  this is only the tip of the iceberg of the challenge of ever stop writing.

Writing is a beautiful art. It is not for all, I never even thought it was for me. It is just something that you need to grow into, a learned behaviour, that has to progress into love for you to continue it.

Thus stop writing which can be translated as the unlearning of all these skills that take years to master can become a REAL struggle.  The reason is simple… you no longer divide your time counting on writing. Writing no longer is part of your routine and thereafter it needs to be planned in advance for you to ever get back on it. And when it comes to fulfilling long-term goals…folks, can we just be honest and say that we are still trying to achieve our 2012’s goals? (can I get an Amen?)

Psychologically speaking, we are wired to divide our attentional resources based on our immediate needs and planning goes way beyond all of that. It requires a type of commitment that we are not all ready to make.

Yet, I am massive planner. I have a diary who would surprise an OCD person. I am the master of planning all things in this planet so this excuse does not stick with me.

The struggle of ever stopping also passes through the fact that you need to revisit the reasons of you were writing in the first place. I have always seen writing as an outlet for all these weird, bottled emotions that my teenage self couldn’t quite name.  Don’t get me wrong, I was a great teenager. My biggest sin was telling a white lie every now and then because I wanted my life to sound better than it was.

However, the older I got, the more ridiculous it felt to write about the same emotions because I learned how to introspect and deal with these feelings from the within. The problem is that now writing has lost its purpose to me and I can no longer find a reason to do it. I am no longer the same person nor is the object of my writing. What to write about now?

I could try poetry and I love reading poetry but I can’t write poetry. It requires this simplicity in understand living things and the inherent beauty in the world that I don’t possess. I am quite a complex person and can only translate what I feel in complex thoughts.

I gave it a try to writing short-stories in the past – I loved it too but I am no longer my 16 year self with a crush on a guy who won’t like her back and I don’t think I have managed to read enough books to commit to doing such a type of challenge.

However writing is essential to me, it became part of me over the years. It’s how I managed to reason my own actions and to find my own needs as a human person. I cannot abandon it.

So pondering on all this, I have got to the conclusion that what I want this blog to be about is myself. Sounds stupid to you, doesn’t it? But bear with me. Here’s the logic: I have never been able to write anything that hasn’t in a way been related to me. So, for a fact, all I have ever been doing is writing about me.

While this life of mine is not so interesting that deserves a self-entitled book, certainly has funny badass moments that will definitely make your days feel infinitely better! Being able to laugh at own silliness has made so more resilient to life and I am here willing to share my wisdom with you all.

Welcome to the series of the life of a muggle by own your truly. You ready for the first chapter?

With love,

Tommy

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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