I am a broken toy.

Hey everyone! As I am writing this post, I am contending myself for shedding any tears because I am not as weak as I think I am. Bad things happen and I just have learn to deal with them.
There are several reasons why my heart is shrinking in pain at the moment. One of them being that I cannot stand the amount of effort and work my parents are putting into my future. It is astonishing and unfair because myself being a grown up woman who is capable of making my own decisions to certain things in life, should also be capable to support myself, financially and take all this weight off my parents' shoulders. I feel that I have to find a strategy (parts of me just wants to keep ignoring reality but it is no longer possible, I need to face things as they are! problems won't disappear because I decided to look in a different direction) to make it all possible, if not now, someday. The idea of someday is something so difficult for me to put up with. I've always loved to be ahead of my time. Going to school at 5, going to university with 17 and the possibility of past forwarding another year or maybe years is just plain hell for me. However, this is a personal issue of mine. My parents don't have to put up with my whims. I don't know how bloggers, I seriously have no idea but I will not allow my parents to stop their lives in other for me to live mine, when I have so many years ahead of me. Furthermore, this is supposed to be my time of struggle and my time for fighting for my dreams. Whatever they are, whatever they will be. I should not be counting on people. I have to myself out there. I have to sell better the product that I've become. I have to find people who will believe in my dreams as much as I do.

Another factor that is, oh, just breaking my heart into really small pieces that are not regenerating themselves any longer is a long past subject. I am one of those people that just loses years of her life obsessed with a certain person and I just have so much trouble getting over them. It's like an addiction. It consumes me deeply and fiercely. And regardless how many times I will hit rock bottom and swear never to talk to them again because I could not deal being hurt this much anymore. Regardless how many times I shout inside and out "I Quit! This is not for me", the first moment they will say, I miss you, I will just crawl back to them. Despite knowing backwards all the drawbacks and terrible consequences of the addiction, I will still try to ignore them for the sake of the quick moment of happiness, I am having. I know every bit of the pain now if I decide to quit will be worth it in the end but I cannot go through it.
Sometimes I wonder what will it be needed for me to simply shut the door, lock it and lose the key. What else will be needed?
It's not his fault. I know it's not. At least I feel it's not. And maybe that's the problem. I cannot hate him because I have nothing to blame him. Other people have told me I have plenty to blame him for but I cannot see it. I don't think he's guilty. I think I am guilty because I allowed myself to believe in this weird fantasy. It wasn't weird at first. It was simply and I made it complicated to myself and to him. And then we both got lost in it and we couldn't no longer find each other. That's the version of events I want to believe him.
Thereafter if he decides to move on, who am I to blame him? I would very likely do the same if I got into this weird relationship with a overly dramatic individual who is just not right for me. I would ditch all of that person's nonsense. Find a new person and try and be happy.
I understand him. I understand why I am not right to anyone right now. Not even to myself. I have so many little and big issues that I need to work through. The truth is, I am a broken toy and I have no idea how to fix myself.

All I know is that it hurts and all I know is that I cannot share this weight with no one else and that kind of sucks. God, please help me.

Love always,

Tommy

PS. And whoever reads this and thinks to themselves I am a big drama queen, I do not care. This is my blog and these are my feelings. I need to place them somewhere besides myself because they are destroying me. So if reading this, does not make you happy, please go watch silly cat videos on youtube and do not try and make me more depressed. Bye.

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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written in the stars

I've been wanting to write for a while. Just to clear my mind. A lot of possible topics for my posts passed through my mind but I always get caught up between something to do in the house or outside and when I finally have the time to write and contemplate, either I don't want it anymore or the inspiration is gone.
Well, this won't be an inspirational posts. It's just that I've been struggling with a few aspects of my life and I have been trying to open up with my friends but the feeling I get is that they are either too busy in their own lives that holding them back from doing whatever they have in hands is awful or that I would repeat myself and well, honestly no one really wants to listen to someone repeating themselves.
I am not a characteristic capricorn (I think part of me began to believe in star signs). I am not that hard-worker. I am not that committed. I am not that ambitious. I am not that success driven. I don't even think there is even a category for someone as myself. But this is not all bad. It means that my story isn't told somewhere in the stars. My destiny isn't step up. As I am writing to you right now, I am writing my own story.

Love always,
Tommy


"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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Don't you like you? Cause I like you!

So people, I have been trying to post something for you guys for days - I have currently 5 different drafts of stuff that I've written in the past two weeks but I just couldn't make myself post any of the stuff I wrote. I guess it was too personal. Even for Mk which is my favourite place in the entire world. None of them is really worth reading anyway, bloggers. They are better off drafts, trust me!
Anyway folks, came here today to share an important message. I don't know if you have listened to Colbie Caillat's just released song "Try" but if you haven't, check the link below and go watch it NOW because it is a beautiful, beautiful song that speaks the reality of how women are seen and project themselves nowadays.
It is about embracing our inner beauty and accepting our faults as essentials parts of a beautiful and meaningful frame that is our bodies.
We are not perfect. We have dimples in our faces. We have cellulite in our stomach. We have bruises in our legs. We have short or damaged hair. We are a bit overweight or we are way too skinny. We have scars and memories of places we have been at. We are faulted creature and we couldn't as much as unique if it wasn't for all flaws and faults and difficulties. Life has shaped us in diversified ways and it is because of all that we've been through that we are what we are and our friends and families love us.
We don't have try to so hard to fit into this beauty concept. You don't have to be a certain ethinicity. Your eyes don't have to be of a certain colour. Our bodies don't need to be muscles only (I mean, it would be great but they don't have to!). Even though you think that you need to plastify yourself and doll yourself up so that some random guy who wouldn't make the same effort to look attractive to you can like you, you actually don't. There is beauty within you and it will shine through. Allow it to do so.

The official video, originally performed by Colbie Caillat - Try!

Please tell me you love the video as much as I do!


Love always,
Tommy

PS. With this post, I don't mean women not to wear make up. You should use it if you like how you look with it. But don't get dependant on it. Wear it with caution. You want to look slightly better. You want to look like you put some effort into it. You don't want, however, to look like a completely different person. I usually have a rule. If take over 10 minutes doing your makeup, you're probably overdoing it. I am not a big fan of makeup mostly because I suck at it. I do makeup free pretty much everyday and whenever I do put makeup on. I like to keep it natural. In a way that it can highlight a bit my best features. To end, find below a few selfies I took this morning. No makeup selfies, not edited. It turns out I don't have to try that hard. I like myself the way I am.

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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I am thankful for our little infinity.

As you all know, I am a big fan of The Fault In Our Stars. The book, primarily. The film is decent and the actors did a good job incorporating the characters, particularly Shailene Woodley whom I was always a big fan of ( from the days she was Amy Juergens in The Secret Life of the american teenager). Nevertheless nothing can fully portray the beauty and depth and the sensitivity of John Green's words and the human imagination.
First of all, let's clarify the following: I am not, and I want to emphasize this, a fan girl! Fan girls as the name directs us to entitles someone who is first a girl and a fan. I am fan, a big one of the book but I am not a fan girl of the film. Anyway, this is not the point of this post. I just wanted to say this about the fault in our stars because one of my favourite bits of the book are in the last page. And I felt like sharing it somewhere with people I can trust that won't judge me for finding it the sweetest thing evah!
We all girls and guys, we all want to love and be loved. And we all want to live a big endless love story. And we want these moments to last forever and love this person as much as we need air in our lungs. However, fairy tales are for the books. Reality check, life gets messy and when everything gets confusing and things get in the way of what once seem endless, everything changes and now an end is seen. However, the true meaning of loving someone is not giving away any moment to love them a bit more. Even the painful moments when no one would judge you if you hated them. And that is what Hazel (just got say I love this name. Honestly, I find it so pretty and different) and Guy's story teaches us. That even though all is temporary, it doesn't have to be ephemeral. You can make your little infinite count to someone.
You should never fear oblivion. Oblivion is for those who didn't live. If one person can remember you for what you truly were and still loves you, you left your mark upon this earth. You are unforgettable.

Van Houten,
    "I'm a good person but a shitty writer. You're a shitty person but a good writer. We'd make a good team. I don't want to ask you for any favours, but if you have time- and from what I saw, you have plenty- I was wondering if you could write a eulogy for Hazel. I've got notes and everything, but if you could just make it into a coherent whole or whatever? Or even just tell me what I should say differently. Here's the thing about Hazel: Almost everyone is obsessed with leaving a mark upon the world. Bequeathing a legacy. Outlasting death. We all want to be remembered. I do, too. That's what bothers me most, is being another unremembered casualty in the ancient and inglorious war against disease. I want to leave a mark. But Van Houten: The marks humans leave are too often scars.  (Okay maybe I'm not such a shitty writer. But I can't pull my ideas together, Van Houten. My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations.)  Hazel is different. She walks lightly, old man. She walks lightly upon the earth. Hazel knows the truth: We're as likely to hurt the universe as we are to help it, and we are not likely to do either. People will say it's sad that she leaves a lesser scar, that fewer remember her, that she was loved deeply but not widely. But it's not sad, Van Houten it's triumphant. It's heroic.  After my PET scan lit up, I snuck into the ICU and saw her while she was unconscious. I walked in behind the nurse and got to sit next to her for like ten minutes before I got caught. I really thought she was going to die before I could tell her that I was going to die, too. I just held her hand and tried to imagine a world without us and for about one second I was a good enough person to hope she died so she would never know that I was going, too. But then I wanted more time so we could fall in love. I got my wish, I suppose. I left my scar. What else? She is so beautiful. You don't get tired of looking at her. You never worry if she is smarter than you: You know she is. She is funny without ever being mean. I love her. I am so lucky to love her. You don't get to choose the ones you hurt in this world, but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices. I hope she likes hers. 
I do, AugustusI do." - page 310-313 

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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Bliss ♡ ♡

Hey bloggers! Hope you're doing well! I know I haven't been posting as regularly as I used to but as any other person on earth, I have been extremely busy trying to live and fulfill my life with crazy adventures to tell you all.
This post will be a quick update with regards my life. I am back home, in Portugal with my family. I've been having a great-awesome time home. Honestly! Like I haven't had in years! My entire family is enclosed (literally enclosed) in my house. We're so many that it looks like a clown house. And thereafter it's a living mess, you can never be alone with your thoughts (which in my case tend to be quite dangerous and even harmful), so you're always interacting with people through the language of your heart. It's been pure bliss bloggers. I couldn't be happier.
SO, this is it bloggers. My last days in England were hard and I finally am back to the hot weather and happiness for no reason.

Love always,
Tommy

PS. I've also seen my best friend and it was great to catch up with him. I've missed this life.
"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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The Webs of Life

Being in England has given me the opportunity to meet and know people from around the Globe. The language was never a barrier as we bonded through our mutual love of Game of Thrones, dance and long karaoke sessions (the fact everyone is fluent in English also helps). 

These apparently ordinary and simple girls who don't like to be on the spot of all attention you see below, have changed my life forever in many subtle ways. 

The path of acceptance of your weirdo self is long and excruciating as society keeps telling you and warning you of the dangers of being different, both in a physical and mental panel. 

These girls have helped me understand that being different is not a choice, it's nature. We are by nature unique and the choice to maintain our uniqueness intact makes of us an original and noble art piece capable of inducing all kind of emotions and with a potential bigger than the eyes can picture.

I have never felt more comfortable in my own skin. 

And for that girls, thank you very much. 

I will miss all of you terribly and may we never grow too farther apart from each other . 

It was a year to remember. 

Love always, 

Tommy

PS. I know I look awful in these photos but I don't care. If an ugly face is the price to pay for a memory, I am glad to have several  :p

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"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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