Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm.

My friends and I found the most adorable bar in our town. 

I mean, we've literally been everywhere. All the pubs, all the clubs, all the bars. Our town is small but not too small but still I guarantee you that most of us know where things are and where each of us lives.
So we found this place called Bar Maroc. It has this kind of this gypsy style/astral which is kind of cool and really relaxing. The atmosphere there in general is just so chilled and quite suitable as well for our nights out when we're not feeling like clubbing and dancing.
The reason I am telling about this place is because I feel like we're probably coming back there a few other times this year and it is probably going to become our special spot. I say a few because the academic year has come to an end. We've finished our classes and our timetables' obligations are done which means that my third year friends are moving to different towns and my Erasmus friends are moving back to their countries. We've had so much fun this year that I don't even mind. Of course I'd prefer this year to last forever but it can't, especially because I have learned all I had to learn with it already. And all these moments we've shared of pure joy and entertainment will be eternally treasured by me. I will remember each and every face for as long as I shall live because they all made part and made possible the best academic year of my life and not in academic terms :p
Thank you for being with me in the journey of who I am. It was so much fun. I can't even begin to tell how amazing it was.

Love always,
Tommy
 
"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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I just want you to know that you’re very special and the only reason I’m telling you is that I don’t know if anyone else ever has.

Hello folks. Long time, no see, uh?.
I don't even know where to start. So much has happened and so much of it is relevant to the position I stand on today.
It's quite late where I am. I don't know in which part of the globe you live but where I am it's half past 3 and according to How I met Your Mother - one of the best comedies show ever written - no good can come from what I write at this ungodly time.
However as I was getting myself under the sheets and covers finally ready to end this exhausting and surprisingly not unfortunate day, I felt that I should write and allow myself to do a retrospective and introspective analysis of my life for the last couple weeks, perhaps even month in order to be able to clearly see the path I have ahead of me. So, for the purpose of not confusing anyone and myself as well, I have decided to split this analysis into three small posts.
This one I want to dedicate to a very special friend I've met not too long ago.
People have been telling that I've changed. I don't think I did, I have adapted myself and I have found myself. I have never felt as comfortable on my skin as I do now. I still have a long path in terms of acceptance of my looks but I am each day closer to feeling satisfied with being who I am.
Of course not all the decisions I have taken for the past months were the best, clearly NOT, but they helped me to define what I consider acceptable or unacceptable and recognise myself or others in things.
So this young lady is Greek, we've met through a mutual friend also Greek and we've been really good friends ever since. Not only we happen to share similar taste in music and similar passion for dance (despite the fact that she actually CAN dance and well, I try ), but also I feel like we're experiencing the same things in life which makes it easier for me to talk.
Anyway, we instantaneously recognised on each other a friend that we definitely wanted to keep close and even though she isn't in England anymore, we maintain in touch via facebook and email every moment we can. She is an amazing friend, I can tell that already. She, in such a short time, made me realise that it's ok not to be the same person as I was when I was a teenager and had no clear sense of myself or the opposite sex and it doesn't necessarily mean that I have changed, it only means that I have matured. And all of this sounds kind of obvious for anyone I know but it wasn't for me and it wasn't for many of my friends who didn't see in me the same person. They were looking for the teenager me and they couldn't find her because I grew up and through baby steps I defined myself more clearly every day.
So, I think I have been very blessed with the friendships I've created this year. All the girls are amazing and they truly care about me. We have the best time together and I just wish this year could last longer. Errika is the cherry on the top, she is the definitely a very special friend to me now. So special that I attempted to set her up with my best friend. Which in a million years I would have never done with most girls because I wouldn't trust any of them to be worthy of someone like him.
My lesson with Errika and all the good friends I've made this year was the following: Romance is exciting and great, but if you're looking for true and pure love, make some good friends first.

Thank you all for everything,
Love always,
Tommy

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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One page at a time, Tommy.

Well, sometimes you wish you could slow down time or at least come back to one specific moment in time in which you felt you had enough time to make things happen. Because if you do come back and re-do your actions, maybe your life would have take a different turn. But realistically you can't. Time waits for no one and much less will rewind for you. And though you can't see it now, it shouldn't. I'll tell you why.
You need an exact amount of time to try to make things happen - no more, no less. Let's assume you do you're best and you put your best effort and your best skills on attempting to see the future you dream of in the time you have, but when it comes to the time when you must review your efforts and analyse your gains, you come out with a negative balance and no results, no changes. My personal opinion and experience on the matter makes me believe that if your life as regards to one specific topic that you attempted to improve remains the same, it suggests that it is meant to remain the same which means that those hopes you've had are probably not meant for this page and perhaps even not for your story.
You think to yourself: you read books and you see more films that most people can think of. And you know more tv characters than words in an encyclopedia but you still fail to understand simple logical equation. How come is this possible? It is page blindness, I call it.
Numerous times in life there is not much you can do to change events and outcomes, however, you still continuously attempt to add commas. All because deep within you have hopes that as you progress describing, you will find a way to turn it around. It is very unlikely you will. Life is full of twists but they need a reason why happen and if that reason doesn't exist, you need to give an end to that paragraph and page of yours.
You can't see but honey you've written a beautiful story. Different from anyone else's. And many times as you were writing it, you've loved it. You've loved it from the bottom of your heart but you need to allow yourself to step away, absorb a bigger portrait of your it and if necessary, move past it. Did it define a crucial point in your life? Perhaps, but the only way to truly know it is to leave in the past and see how much it will affect you in the future.
Turning that page won't erase any of the words written. It won't erase any of the memories placed down. But it will be a step towards yourself. A kind of turn that will show you options that you haven't seen before because you were blinded by so many short pauses and descriptive colons.
 One page at a time, you'll make it, Tommy.
I'll stand by you.

Love always,
Tommy

PS. Meet my friends. Two of them you've seen before on previous posts and here are a couple more. I've managed to gather so many cool friends throughout this year that I can't even believe myself sometimes.We had a picnic on Tuesday afternoon at uni because it was really good weather and we felt like it. It was a great idea as it was a major success. We also played scrabble. Oh, I almost forgot to add. I had a sushi and I liked it. It sounds like a "I kissed a girl and I liked it" but it's true. I've had such before but hated it, it taste like nothing - terribly. But this time, I've had and liked it. It's quite nice and not gross at all, as I imagined it.

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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Love is a losing game.

I can't seem to let him go.
Every cell of my body buzzes at the possibility of being around him. My brain tortures me with unwilling memories of us together in full pleasure. It is too painful and too good to let them all go.
I have never expected to see him grow inside of me the way he did and as fast as he did but somehow now he posses me and he doesn't even know it.
I give up. Some feelings and people can't simply be beaten. Love is a losing game.



Love always,
Tommy


"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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Outburst

So, on my last post, as you can read, I was feeling hopeful. I was feeling that despite all the issues, small and big ones, we've had, if both of us were willing, we could still make it. And, I actually thought that the reason we weren't together as supposed, was me, my fault. I was the one to blame for the fact things weren't as simple, as straightforward as they were supposed to be.
And No, I am not saying I have no blame here now. I am saying that I have finally realised why things never worked between us. It wasn't just me and it wasn't just you. We're opposites but we don't complement each other. As simple as that. We're different pieces of different puzzles.
Sure we do have things in common and I used to love that about us but they...they in no way, surpass the amount of things and views and sides and opinions that we completely disagree.
And last night, well, last night I've realised how much we differ. How many miles between us actually exist. How could I ever think that we could work? How stupid can I be? How many times?
When everyone was staring at me and judging me and putting all this pressure over me, I expected YOU, among all of them, YOU that know me better than any of them, YOU that I've been more intimate than any of them, YOU, I expected YOU to have my back. To save me, to protect me, to SUPPORT me, but no.
Silly me. No, you didn't. What you actually managed to do was to increase the amount of pressure I had and make me feel worse about myself and about the whole situation. You once said if I stay there, you would help me to overcome fears and I trusted you to do that. And you, once again, weren't worthy of my trust.
I expected you to be there for me and you simply weren't. And that made me realise all the other times when you ignored me and lied to me.
I am sorry but I am done. I've never felt this disappointed with anyone else in my entire life. And it hurts because I've actually fell in love with you and I don't know how to fell out of love because whatever I feel for you, it's poison and it's killing me.

Ok, that's all I have to say. You probably won't read any of this but I suppose that's for the best.

Love always (but beware)

Tommy

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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I think I would rather die of you than live without you.

"The only thing worse than a boy who hates you...A boy who loves you."
It's a beautiful and intensively dark quote from the Book Thief by Markus Zusak. I've started reading this book last week and unfortunately, due to my university and work affairs, I haven't had the opportunity to progress much into it. From what I have managed to read and from what I have also heard, it is a very dark book, yet beautifully written and astonishingly realistic. 

I haven't got to the part of the book where this quote is located but... well, actually this quote is the reason I have decided to read the book. It is such a sad reality of love and I thought whoever was capable of saying something like that, would definitely be capable of writing an enchanting story. 
To get hurt by someone you mean nothing to and someone who despises the person you are and become daily, it is no easy fate. However, since it is very likely that they know very little about the person who lives inside you, their words will never as harsh as they think they will. Because in the end, they are pointing their fingers to the image and emotional representation they have made of you which most likely will deviate a thousand miles from what you truly are. 

But someone who loves, someone who learned to love you, because they know you. Because they fell in love with all the beings of your self. If they hurt you deliberately orunintentionally...
honey most likely will be the most painful thing you will ever feel. It will feel as if you heart has been ripped off your body and the blood who once ran in your veins , now is frozen. You will feel puzzled and groundless and just miserable. It is not something you will advise someone else to feel... ever. 
That's the thing about love. People, including myself, are obsessed with love. And demonstration of love and right ways of explaining what love is and who we should or should not love. There is a full infinity-sized handbook of love out there on social networks and books and films. However, what all these manuals fails to mention is that love is the fast lane to death. Whether is it spiritual, physical or both. 
Love is a death sentence, the forbidden fruit that banishes you from the love-free paradise. 
Love is the all that takes to nothing. Is a complete feeling of emptiness. Love is losing your sense of identity because being you no longer matters. Love isn't pretty. Love gets pretty ugly instead. 
But yet, I finish every post here with "love always".Why then choose a love that can kill you over a peaceful life?  Because as much as all the suffering it can bring, it is the only path to happiness as well. Not instantaneous joy, happiness. Intense, longing happiness. The type that only people that can hurt you, can give you. 
I think I would rather die of you than live without you.

Love always,
Tommy

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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