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Alright...so 2015 was a hard-working year.
It was year of putting myself up to test. To see how much I could balance in one hand. To see if I would cry if I ever felt unbalanced. However, hard-work paid off at the end of it and I've never, ever, felt more proud of my own achievements.
Of course things went completely different from what I've expected but they worked in my favour because I worked for them. I had what I needed and not what I wanted. What I needed was achievement, knowledge that I could make it if I put effort. Knowledge that are always alternative ways and God is not blinded to my suffering.
I've also learned that I was entitled to something and I just had to work to get it. 2015 got me hopeful and inspired in ways I wish I could explain.
For some reason, I thought that 2016 was about to be the same. Here is my mistake, hoping I could copy and paste experiences and behaviours, even though I am no longer the same person as yesterday.
Here is the truth about 2016. In 2016 I am a graduate student. I am ready to go out there and start the career I've always dreamed of. In 2016 I am also postgraduate student who has so little knowledge about her field that feels frightened to open her lungs and express her opinions.
In 2016 I am working hard in different ways and not giving up at first failure. In 2016 I am not getting outside rewards for my daily achievements so I am feeling more and more diminished every day. 2016 keeps telling me "No, you are not good enough", "Thank you for applying. We regret to inform you that your application has not been successful", "No, you don't have what it takes".
While this isn't new for me, it is affecting me. I am waking up everyday ready to be happy and fight what I am entitled to and everyday I go to sleep knowing that it was not my day, not this time. 2016 is forcing me out of my comfort zone and getting me to doubt my gut. Sometimes I can't tell which ways the wind blows and what heart says.
Should I try harder? if so, how do I do that? Should I give up and go back home? Go back home to what?
2016 keeps telling me there are things I can't do and that my previous successes do not mean my future success.
However my biggest quality still is stubbornness. I am not allowing 2016 to tell me what I can or what I can't do. I am failing sometimes and I can even fail all the time but failure is the motivational underpinning to my success.
And no, I do not define success by getting a job. I do want a job and I a2m working towards it. I define success by feeling achieved and whole as I did last year when I realised "I made it".
 I am not quitting, I am not falling back. For every "Thank you for applying. We regret to inform you that your application has not been successful." there is a new application to fill. For every "you are not good enough", there is a new opportunity that fits my criteria. For every "you don't have what it takes", there is a challenge that allows me to show that I do.
I believe there is a plan for me and I believe I am right on track.
It may not always look the brightest from where I am standing but there is still light .

Love always

Tommy
"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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My Valentine's

I am afraid to say what I'm about to say because destiny may attempt to take them for me , but I possibly have the best friends in the world.
I know people say this all time and I have said it before too but I am truly convinced that this time no one is luckier than me.
I have been blessed in ways only angles could have planned and simultaneously challenged in ways only devil could have interfered.
I won't dwell on this for too long because I'll bore you with all my luckiness and perky happiness but I will tell you this much. These girls represent the best of me. Each of them owns qualities I intensely admired. Each of them is beautifully strong in their flaws and inspires me to aspire more than a simple future and a simple life. I love them for that. And much. Much. More. As it turns out, the gift of friendship has been the Valentine's I have been dreaming about.

Love always,

Tommy

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In 2015 I won at life!

As I am seating here, in the classroom, for the last day of this very long semester and the very first month of the year, I am wondering what has been of my life.
I feel pride in all I've achieved at times, but exhaustion consumes me more often. I see myself confused and weaker than I once predicted. Stronger than I was, nevertheless.
I still own the same dreams, you know, so I haven't changed that much. Some of these dreams did come true, some haven't.
I am yet to win battles I have been fighting for too long and I couldn't be prouder of myself for not giving in to the destiny.
In 2015  life was funny and tricky. It build me up so much so that it could put me down. It gave me people and things that made happier than I ever thought I could  so that it could show me how difficult it would be without them.
It was epic in all forms of history. With entanglements I still don't understand. I have felt loved in ways I didn't know I could. Heartbreak didn't break me no longer. And mistakes didn't haunt me for too long.
In 2015 I won at life in million different ways. I can't wait for the challenges of 2016...

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Tinder stories

Okay, you read the title and you are judging me already?

If we are to have an honest conversation here you need to stop judging me…can you do that?

Okay, now we can get on with it.

So I have been hearing from all sources of our mother web for years about tinder. Tinder is an app in which people upload their pictures, sometimes connect it to facebook, and then you, based on your defined sexuality, are able to swipe right for a person you want to chat with or swipe left for someone that does not make your type, all of them being geographically close to you so you have the option of ever meeting, if you want-

Now that we established tinder, here’s my opinion. Tinder is just another dating site and as with dating sites as many others made for hook-ups and unrealistic romantic folks.

Tinder is not my first experience on a dating site/app. I’ve been trying them for years in fact. In the beginning perhaps I had the goal of finding someone different who I wouldn’t meet necessarily within my circle of friends and acquaintances. I have even actually met one guy from a dating app (not tinder) and we did date, for a while.

However as years passed by, I became understanding that the likelihood of you finding a meaningful relationship from a dating app is near to almost impossible. The people there most of the time are real but they are shield by the power of the internet that enables them to say whatever you want to hear. It’s that simple…

Not to put any blame on guys here and it is not because girls are stupid either. What girls on tinder do (and not only) is willingly blindfold themselves so guys have little work to do when it comes to fooling them for ulterior motives.

Here is what us sisters and girls of this world need to understand before getting on a app as tinder.

1^st thing: 100% of the guys who approach you want sex. Let’s make it clear here. Did you digest that? Okay, I’ll say it again. They want to sleep with you and they saw a change to make it happen and that is why they approached you. The sooner you get into terms with this, the sooner we can get on with the best part of it.

2^nd thing: Not all guys are players though. Some guys though they are sexually attracted to you and definitely want to sleep with you, they are so genuinely interested in you. Are you surprised? It’s true. You are interesting human being with tons to offer so trust me , for me, it’s no surprise they want to know more about your life.

3^rd thing: You will chat with more guys who solely want to get in your pants than guys who want to have a real conversation with you.

4^th thing: there is also a quarter of this population of guys which will include men with double of your age, disgusting men who will forward a bunch of pictures of themselves, creepy creepy guys who will get overly attached to you when you reply to them once or twice, guys who will get verbally aggressive to you, guys who will say the most disgusting things to you, etc. etc.

5^th thing :1% if not less of all the guys who will approach is probably boyfriend material and even perhaps husband material. That is the good news. Have you not ever watched a video of a couple who met on tinder or match.com? It’s real. Many of them are still together!0

The problem for me with that 1% is how unlikely is it to happen. It is worth it? Sure! Yet so rare. While some people are fine to go through the trouble of meeting a bunch of no guys to find their yes guy, I am an impatient person and hate to feel that I missing out on life because of a virtual thing.

So the reason I use tinder isn’t to date. In fact, At this moment I have around 30 messages over there from different people that I have never replied. Tinder as the most recent and chaotic and known dating tool has become my new research tool. I am using tinder as the platform to get the answers for several of my questions of what guys will or will not put up with in a in a girl.

Check the next chapter to figure out the top things I have learned about the opposite sex so far.

Love always,

Tommy

 

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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Brand new chapter!

So guys, you literally have no idea for how long I have been trying to get my thoughts down here. However for some reason the timing to do it seems never right: laptop is broken, phone is broken, no broadband in the house, etc…

Don’t worry, I hear it as you do, as the very strongly thought excuse it is. But bear with me.  this is only the tip of the iceberg of the challenge of ever stop writing.

Writing is a beautiful art. It is not for all, I never even thought it was for me. It is just something that you need to grow into, a learned behaviour, that has to progress into love for you to continue it.

Thus stop writing which can be translated as the unlearning of all these skills that take years to master can become a REAL struggle.  The reason is simple… you no longer divide your time counting on writing. Writing no longer is part of your routine and thereafter it needs to be planned in advance for you to ever get back on it. And when it comes to fulfilling long-term goals…folks, can we just be honest and say that we are still trying to achieve our 2012’s goals? (can I get an Amen?)

Psychologically speaking, we are wired to divide our attentional resources based on our immediate needs and planning goes way beyond all of that. It requires a type of commitment that we are not all ready to make.

Yet, I am massive planner. I have a diary who would surprise an OCD person. I am the master of planning all things in this planet so this excuse does not stick with me.

The struggle of ever stopping also passes through the fact that you need to revisit the reasons of you were writing in the first place. I have always seen writing as an outlet for all these weird, bottled emotions that my teenage self couldn’t quite name.  Don’t get me wrong, I was a great teenager. My biggest sin was telling a white lie every now and then because I wanted my life to sound better than it was.

However, the older I got, the more ridiculous it felt to write about the same emotions because I learned how to introspect and deal with these feelings from the within. The problem is that now writing has lost its purpose to me and I can no longer find a reason to do it. I am no longer the same person nor is the object of my writing. What to write about now?

I could try poetry and I love reading poetry but I can’t write poetry. It requires this simplicity in understand living things and the inherent beauty in the world that I don’t possess. I am quite a complex person and can only translate what I feel in complex thoughts.

I gave it a try to writing short-stories in the past – I loved it too but I am no longer my 16 year self with a crush on a guy who won’t like her back and I don’t think I have managed to read enough books to commit to doing such a type of challenge.

However writing is essential to me, it became part of me over the years. It’s how I managed to reason my own actions and to find my own needs as a human person. I cannot abandon it.

So pondering on all this, I have got to the conclusion that what I want this blog to be about is myself. Sounds stupid to you, doesn’t it? But bear with me. Here’s the logic: I have never been able to write anything that hasn’t in a way been related to me. So, for a fact, all I have ever been doing is writing about me.

While this life of mine is not so interesting that deserves a self-entitled book, certainly has funny badass moments that will definitely make your days feel infinitely better! Being able to laugh at own silliness has made so more resilient to life and I am here willing to share my wisdom with you all.

Welcome to the series of the life of a muggle by own your truly. You ready for the first chapter?

With love,

Tommy

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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The frustration of knowing you can, but you can't.

As I am writing this, my eyes are getting slightly watery, my hands are trembling, my mind is getting vertiginous and my heart is at a faster speed than it can endure.
Passion is what keep us alive, right?. Hard-work enables you to go far and achieve higher everytime, right? Money does not stop you from achieving your dreams, right? That has to be right, right? because I don't know that anymore. I mean, I want to have faith. I guess I do have faith but I see my future fading away more and more. I want to believe in a higher plan, in the right plan, but everything seems to be going wrong... God has got my back, I know He has. But how does he intend to make everything better? Am I deserving of so? What have I done not to deserve it?
I don't know... I don't get what I did wrong. In a time like this, you need to look back, trace all your steps and movements and ask yourself in a painful honesty 'what did I do wrong?'
I can see how I could have planned things earlier, not much earlier because I did not have much free time, but maybe slightly earlier. I don't know. Rationally it wouldn't make a big difference but my mind is running different, happier, and more sucessful scenarios so all actions I took matter, right?
I don't know what to do now. I ran out of options. I tried it all, I believed in all, I worked for all.
The frustration of knowing I did all and am able to achieve all too, except that I can't have all. It's not for me to have it. It doesn't matter how much I want it. Or how hard I try. It's not mine to have it.
I don't know, my heart is full of frustration these days. My judgement is clouded with sadness and I don't want people to feel sorry for me or to attempt to make me feel better. Because they can't and I don't want to.
I worked so, but so hard for this, I don't want to sound big-headed, actually I don't care if I sound big-headed, because I worked harder than most everyone I know. I am so proud of myself. At least I was, now after realising none of that ever mattered, I don't know what to feel.
I mean, guys, nevermind.
I guess I won't be able to inspire people anytime soon...

yours,

Tommy
"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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