So, who am I this year?

To say it's been a while since I last wrote here is a bit of an euphemism. It's been ages since I gave myself the choice and power to sit and clear all the crazy thoughts that constantly run through my mind all day long.
Life hasn't been easy but I am sure you already expected that from me. A lot has changed and a lot remains the same. I believed I have changed. Not a major change, I just went back to being the person I was before 2014 struck in. I went back to enjoying the solitude more than crowded gatherings. I went back to deeply appreciating soulful music that speaks to the soul more than incoherent buzzes. I went back to being who I have always been: a person with hopes higher than she can achieve and fears bigger than she control.
I am OK. I promise. There have been days that I nearly lost it. There have been days in which I hoped not to see anyone and there have been days in which I compared waking up to hell. Yet and despite all, I am OK.
I feel that I have a lot to prove to myself this year and I don't want to disappoint myself or my parents. I want to be the one that makes them proud the most. The one that can gloriously say 'I made it'.
Part of me fears that I can't handle all of this. All that has been required of me lately is so overwhelming. I am afraid that I will let my fears control me and I don't want that. Not again, not anymore. I am tired of being a burden on my parents' shoulders and at the same time, I want to be able to help them out. This hasn't been a particularly easy time for my family and I miss them terribly, each day a bit more.
I don't feel like I fit in where I am anymore. I have a few friends and way too many acquaintances. And the friends I have, they genuinely care about me but I fear at this time of my life, I am not the best company. I have too many personal goals and I don't want to split my attention. Sounds terrible? Yeah but true,
I think I'm going to bed now. I must give myself some time to think all of this through...
Hope you're all well and May 2015 be a special one to everyone :)

Love always,
Tommy

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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So this was 2014 - In Review

Here's the thing.
It's become sort of a tradition for me to end each year slightly more hertbroken than the year before. Oh, please don't get me wrong. 2014 was a great year. A year of experimentation and inner uneasiness like I've never had before. A year my calm, low profile life was craving for a long, long time. In 2014, everything was deeply felt and experienced first hand. Every love was a first. Every self within me was so intensely trigged that I felt the need to show them all. And to end but in no way less important, every lesson was painfully learned.
When years like 2014 finish, you must ask yourself what it taught you. So herre's what 2014 did for me:

• To begin with, what 2014 did for me at the end was to teach me that it is okay to go a bit nuts every now and then. Here's the thing folks. I don't go nuts. My entire life I have been in control of every single action I have taken, even the most insane one such as moving to England. I never drank or smoke or took any drugs. I've never committed a crime and I always, always apologise. That's me. I am the girl that makes her aunties cry because they miss having a daughter like her. That's me. Or that's what I thought I was till 2014. 2014 involved rushed decisions and crazy behaviours that I would never paint myself doing. I had for the first time spicy stories to share in girls' nights in. I had friends asking me "how do you do it?" and facing me if I was the most abnormally insane kind of human. Okay, maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration there but you get the point. I went out of my emotional comfort zone and I saw changes happening in me through my bare naked eyes. The positive side of these adventurous brief moments was that they made infinitely happy as long as they lasted. I was happy in ways I've never seen myself before. The not-so-positive side is that they're brief and they end, leaving nothing but pain and regret. Your own heart blinded you and made you believe that yes, it could all be real for as long as you lived.

• Secondly, 2014 taught me that I will never be the party type of person. Okay, when you're a young adult in your twenties, attending university and living with roommates, the one thing people will expect from you is that you love parties and clubbing because you're young and carefree. For me, it's different. Partying is not something I've ever enjoyed and I don't think I ever will. I like small gatherings and small groups but I fear crowds and large groups as much as I fear losing my life. I feel small and unimportant. Everyone somehow intimidates me. I just feel like an outsider. A wallflower in a garden of roses. In the beginning of 2014 I made myself party so that I could have solid reasons to despise it and now I do. I've also found that I enjoy different things such as lasertag and medieval battles and you know what? I don't care if you think that's lame and nerdy and sad because for me, it's the best thing in the world. Anyway, parties or clubbing are definitely not my thing. My introspect self does not allow me to be a social butterfly. I like the quiet and classical music. I like small environments with rhythmic music. I like being in a reality that doesn't look like my own.
•  2014 taught me that the probability that someone is going to change is very low but it can happen. Okay, if you've been reading MK for the past year or if you know me personally, you must know that my parents got back together last summer. They were divorced for over 15 years and crazily decided now that they love each other and they want us all to be a family again. Mom didn't change. Dad did and mom noticed for the past years and gave him another chance. I thought they were crazy. I thought this wouldn't be good. But I was wrong. Mum is happy. Dad is happy and the family is rejoined and happy. 
• 2014 taught me that it is not good to use someone to forget someone else. First because the second person doesn't deserve to be second in your and then because you're probably only fooling yourself. 
• And at last, 2014 taught that there's an end to everything. It doesn't matter how much you'd like to delay it. It doesn't matter how hopefully you are that there's going to be a miracle to make it all good again. Eventually it will end and you know what? You'll be just fine.

  It was a long year that felt short and brief. I will miss it but now I'm ready for 2015. This will be a tough one. I have a lot of personal goals to achieve this year. So, my only wish for 2015 is to make myself proud.

So that's it bloggers. This was 2014. I wish you all a wonderful year of 2015 and may we all keep in touch, k.?

Love always,

Tommy

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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