Alright...so 2015 was a hard-working year.
It was year of putting myself up to test. To see how much I could balance in one hand. To see if I would cry if I ever felt unbalanced. However, hard-work paid off at the end of it and I've never, ever, felt more proud of my own achievements.
Of course things went completely different from what I've expected but they worked in my favour because I worked for them. I had what I needed and not what I wanted. What I needed was achievement, knowledge that I could make it if I put effort. Knowledge that are always alternative ways and God is not blinded to my suffering.
I've also learned that I was entitled to something and I just had to work to get it. 2015 got me hopeful and inspired in ways I wish I could explain.
For some reason, I thought that 2016 was about to be the same. Here is my mistake, hoping I could copy and paste experiences and behaviours, even though I am no longer the same person as yesterday.
Here is the truth about 2016. In 2016 I am a graduate student. I am ready to go out there and start the career I've always dreamed of. In 2016 I am also postgraduate student who has so little knowledge about her field that feels frightened to open her lungs and express her opinions.
In 2016 I am working hard in different ways and not giving up at first failure. In 2016 I am not getting outside rewards for my daily achievements so I am feeling more and more diminished every day. 2016 keeps telling me "No, you are not good enough", "Thank you for applying. We regret to inform you that your application has not been successful", "No, you don't have what it takes".
While this isn't new for me, it is affecting me. I am waking up everyday ready to be happy and fight what I am entitled to and everyday I go to sleep knowing that it was not my day, not this time. 2016 is forcing me out of my comfort zone and getting me to doubt my gut. Sometimes I can't tell which ways the wind blows and what heart says.
Should I try harder? if so, how do I do that? Should I give up and go back home? Go back home to what?
2016 keeps telling me there are things I can't do and that my previous successes do not mean my future success.
However my biggest quality still is stubbornness. I am not allowing 2016 to tell me what I can or what I can't do. I am failing sometimes and I can even fail all the time but failure is the motivational underpinning to my success.
And no, I do not define success by getting a job. I do want a job and I a2m working towards it. I define success by feeling achieved and whole as I did last year when I realised "I made it".
I am not quitting, I am not falling back. For every "Thank you for applying. We regret to inform you that your application has not been successful." there is a new application to fill. For every "you are not good enough", there is a new opportunity that fits my criteria. For every "you don't have what it takes", there is a challenge that allows me to show that I do.
I believe there is a plan for me and I believe I am right on track.
It may not always look the brightest from where I am standing but there is still light .
Love always
Tommy
"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado
