In matters of heart, time plays no role. It is something I deeply feel these days and it is something I have realised over the years. I am a disguised old school romantic. I want everything I ever read and I want more. I want romance and I want a passionate and longing love. And it is with this in mind that I have always tried to find love and dear God, I have failed miserably.
I have always dreamt about being successful too. Achieving my goals, reaching out to people in ways that spoke to their hearts. More or less, I believe I have been blessed enough to be able to do that, at times. I have also been blessed with a wonderful family who loves me so deeply and a group of best friends who always had my back. Maybe it is because of that. Due to the fact that I am so blessed with family, friends and a possibility of a future that love never really worked out for me. Maybe you cannot have it all and I am just too blessed to have love in my life too.
I guess you can tell but I was in love again. I was in love for over a year, though I kept trying to hide this knowledge from myself. Surprisingly enough, I think I even fell harder this time. I thought I couldn't but here am I again.
To understand that distance does not always make the heart fonder, or at least not to everybody, has been a sad realisation of mine in this whole process of being in love. And you know what is so funny? I thought I did it right this time. I was careful. For the longest time, though the feelings beared in my heart and I felt the need to let them out periodically, I stood on my ground and I kept all of it inside of me, in a safe location. Up until the moment I felt they were finally reciprocated in the way I deserved it. Maybe that was my first mistake...lowering my guard...
If I would tell you the story, you would swear I took it out from a Disney-produced movie or some cheesy rom-comedy. It was that beautiful. It was that enchanting and it was that deep. I didn't know how to deal with all the feelings but I never felt happier. More acknowledged for who I really was and more desired. Not just the hot passion but the security. I felt safe for the first time with someone. I never felt that way before. I never felt that they could look after me and that I could fully trust them but this time, though he never promised anything and I never asked him to, I finally felt safe. He told me the words I craved to hear all these years. I wasn't expecting them, at all, and I never forced him to even mention a word. I played no direct role into making him say those words, so I thought they were as genuine as they could be. The reason he said them to me and out loud, it was selfish and selfless at the same time. Funny thing, right? Selfless because he did it to make me happy without thinking of himself too much and selfish because he wanted me to be his, only his. Or at least I thought.
He seemed to be the classic king of hearts. He didn't seem perfect. I have always seen his flaws and that is what made it feel so real to me. We didn't seem perfect either but it felt the most real it ever did, a feeling couldn't question... finally. It felt strong and it felt longing. It was a deep feeling but a safe feeling too.
I don't hate him for not feeling the same way anymore. Why would I? I don't think I would ever be capable of hating him. He didn't do me wrong, not purposely.
I just know that after so many slaps to my self-esteem and self-worth, I deserve more. I am not perfect. I am as flawed and distorted as reality can be but I am a person with qualities and dreams and hopes who deserves someone dedicated who sees me as a priority, not as a possibility.
I loved him. I didn't want to and I tried not to - so hard. But I am not naive or weak anymore.
I am everything I went through. I am everything I hoped to be. I am strong in my weakness and powerful in my pain. I am ME and I will not let ME break into more pieces.
With him I always thought it was bad timing but the truth is it wasn't timing or distance that wrecked us. It was lack of feelings and desires. It was lack of motivation and sadly enough for me, lack of love. Lack of the type of love I deserve. We ran out of feelings, not time, but that is ok.
In the words of John Green, some infinites are bigger than others. And ours was too strong to ever last too long. In the words of my favourite poet, Fernando Pessoa, “The value of things is not the time they last, but the intensity with which they occur. That is why there are unforgettable moments and unique people!". Thus, I am forever grateful for having met him and for having felt loved and cared for the way I did, even though it was for a short period of time.
With love,
Tommy
"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado
