Having that said, in the spirit of Valentine's day, I am writing this post about what I have learned about myself and love.
For many years, I believed to the core of my being that I did not deserve love. You see, deserve is the keyword here because I have always measured myself as deserving or not deserving to receive rewards in my life. This is most likely based on my faith and the many years of attending church.
I have always believed I didn't have what it takes to deserve love. I was not the type of woman who deserved to be happy and be part of someone's dreams. This is heartbreaking to think through because every quasi-relationship I've had, has done nothing but confirm the worst of my fears.
First, I was so desperate to have a boy notice me but he never did. Then I was desperate to have a boy reciprocate the fact I liked them, and he seldom did. Following that, I was dying to have boy say he loved me but he rarely did. And most recently, I was hoping that a boy would want to stick with me, despite my flaws, but he never did. I first showed him the best of me, then I showed him the real me. All this time I gave him the power to decide for me whether I was worthy or not, whether I was deserving or not.
I've always wanted to define myself as a woman who is independent and strong and capable, but above all confident enough not to be shaken or broken by one person, one moment in time, one bad experience, but I did, I continuously did. I gave up my power because I was afraid to be alone, not to be wanted, not to be good enough. It was never about me, it was always about how much I wanted them to desire me because I wanted to be the real incorporation of someone's dreams but not mine.
It's enough, isn't it? It's enough of waiting for a reply, for a gesture, for a word of empathy and love. It's enough. It's time to fall in love with myself, to desire myself, to work on building myself and destroying all the barriers around me. Love cannot be extrinsic, it needs come from within. Not within words or other person's heart, your heart. They are not driving to your destination, it's your journey, you are in control of your happiness. The sooner we realise that the sooner we, and by we, I mean me, will feel that I am deserving of love. All types of love, but most importantly, love for myself.
Love always, yourself
Tommy
"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado
