A lot like in the movies!

I've been watching a lot of films lately and regardless their genre, each movie portrays a moment, a scene of endless love and passion because love is that universal if you think about it. Whatever is being portrayed, love must be embedded in because even in moments of pure darkness, love must be the thing to keep us sane and brave enough to fight for it.
The problem lies on the fact that in movies love is so easy. Tremendously, beautifully, happily easy to deal with. To love, to fall in love, to flirt, to feel passionate about someone. Everything is so "In the end it all goes away, in the end it all goes perfectly well", while on reality things in the end things just end. Reality can go a bit messier than we are taught in the movies since things tend to get much more complicated. Minimal problems tend to get in the way of what would be expected to become a beautiful, beautiful love story.
Maybe it is my short and not that pleasant experience talking here but somehow things simply don't turn out to be as good as predicted. Most likely you are the problem and they, your partner, the person you are somehow involved with, equally pays his or her contribution into feeding the problem into becoming a major, deal-breaker issue. As things progress to a more complicated time in any relationship, instead of feeling the comfort or satisfaction of having someone to lean on, you feel frustration and guilt mixed with sadness and desire to reset it all to a point in which there was only possibility to make it better and unique this time.
And once again you got let down again by someone you learnt to put your trust on.
I know, this is not exactly the positive perspective you'd expect me to have about love but it is the conclusion I can draw from my own experience. Maybe I am not meant for big relationships or big love stories. Maybe I am meant for small things and small feelings and the fact I haven't found IT yet is because I keep expecting the wrong things and thereby looking and finding the wrong people. The sooner I accept that not all love is disney designed bor  Nicholas Sparks pictured, the sooner I'll accept my own destiny with it.
Cutting all the crap here, just for a moment. I am feeling incredibly frustrated and I feel like it is all my fault. I am just a really silly girl who keeps falling for all the wrong people for some stupid stupid reason. And somehow I manage to keep doing it all wrong, over and over again; one bad thing topped by an even worst thing. It all kind of adds to my sadness and to feel this way about myself. To feel as if I am not worthy of their love; as if I am not attractive enough nor interesting or at any way enough for them...
Anyway, we are almost in the NEW YEAR and I can't stop thinking about all the things I have managed to experience this year and all the things I wish I could have done better.
But above I regret not having fulfilled my Resolutions and hope to manage to do it better next year.
Time really flies.
I am 20 and we're almost in 2014!
Love always,

Tommy

PS. I am not depressed. I am actually happy to be home and I had a really nice Christmas back home and that is what matters, right? :)

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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Merry Christmas!

Hey everyone! I know I have been one crappy blogger over these last months but I couldn't miss this day, after all it's Christmas day. The day in which we not only celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ but as well the opportunity to be with our loved ones and make them feel loved.
So I just wanted to say that I love this blog and I love you all. I am very thankful for my family and my  friends and their amazing presence in my life. They're all awesome and mean the world to me.
I do not know what I can wish for because I have all I need to survive and be happy, even though sometimes I find reasons to depress about.
Life is great. Sometimes hard-working and mind-sweating but mostly great and just as much as challenging to keep me alert. So, I'll give all my wishes for you guys. I wish you all a happy life and joyful and holy Christmas with your loved ones. May you be happy and feel as loved as you deserve.

Love always and Merry Christmas!
Tommy

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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20!

This is it! I am finally 20! and well...
First of all, I don't hate the idea of getting older but I don't particularly like it now which is weird as I used to quite enjoy it til very recently. Secondly, my birthdays are almost always days to forget and erase from memory. And even though this has started nicely (thanks for the gifts and consideration dave, Nicola and lithuanian family), I always feel something bad is about to happen ... Don't know why. I just do.
Anyway I promised to myself and more importantly to Dave that I would try to enjoy it so that's what I'll do now.

In case. I won't post anything till xmas,
Merry Xmas folks
May you all be happy and enjoy the presence of your family members and friends on this wonderful day. May it be joyful and spiritual as supposed.

Love always,
Tommy

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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You are home to me.

This is the first day of the last month of 2013 and God, what a crazy year this was. So much happened. It was a year of firsts for me. After 2012 having been the year of major changes, I thought I wouldn't be experiencing any first experiences for a while. However, truth was that I did. I've grown to learn so much about myself and the world surrounding me and I still can't believe where I am today and where I was in the beginning of the year.
And these last four months have been a roller coaster for me. These months have been the peak, the highest moments of my entire life. I've felt myself fall in love. Not for the first time but for the first requited time. I've felt myself losing control of myself and my life and actually finding myself enjoying it. I've felt myself feeling just as much as good inside as outside and capable to do what would have been unimaginable things in the past. I've felt terrified and fragile but still not coming back to my safe place because I knew I had to go through this. I've felt sad, a melancholic kind of sad, the lonely kind of sad, the scared kind of sad, the nostalgic kind of sad, the anxious kind of sad. So many different kinds of sad that I quite couldn't keep track of all of them.
I've felt myself dreaming for the 1000th time and realising that reality not only matched my dreams but at some aspects, it was better for once.
I've felt the happiest and the strongest I have ever felt in my entire life. I've felt so much and I've hoped so much and I've experienced so much that not even drawing you, you could have pictured me.
And you may be wondering, what about now? well now, I know better what I want and what I am meant to do. Now I know better what kind of people I want around me and what I am looking forward to see in them.
All my life I accepted only what I thought I deserved. The problem was that I never seen myself deserving much. However now I know that I deserve better. Now I know that I can get more than what is available.
I want to be somebody's first choice. I want someone to like me for who I am and I want to feel free to be that person and not having to retreat to my sarcastic alter ego around them as a shield to protect me. I want to feel nervous and anxious because I want to please them not intimidated to express my inner silly self. I want someone who will appreciate my company and request it not only when they have nothing better to do but because they miss me and my presence would brighten in so many different ways and colours their day. I want to feel freaking special because I know I am and I know that I deserve to feel that way.
And at last, even though it may sound silly, I want to feel protected and loved like only home can allow. I want him to feel home with me as I hope to feel home with him. Each other's haven of the crazy world we live today.
So, for you single ladies and single men out there in the world feeling lost. Understand firstly that we are not lost. We're all wandering, in the happy expectation to find someone to call home.

Love always.
Tommy

PS. Of course I can't let the birthday of one of my favourite people in the world pass by! I love you Nini. I've loved you in the past when we were inexperienced kiddos. I love you today when we are no longer teenagers trying to figure out their place in the world. And I will always love you for the amazing example and beautiful heart that you have.

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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