Living on the edge of life.

I don't know. I think I just expected life to get easier as I grew up. Sounds silly, doesn't it? Life is meant to get more and more complex as you progress into it. Everyone knows that but me. You guys know me. I am the fairytale girl who denies them. I am the love song girl who will call them pathetic. I am the singing girl who will claim she can't sing (and that is in part true!). In summary I am the denying girl. The one who would rather look on a different direction in order not to see happens beyond my eyes so I can continue living my life as it has never happends. Sounds terrible I know, but it is the truth. I always had the illusion that things would get better if I just imagined a world, a better place to be in.

I've always lived two lives. The double life standard people tend to mention it is real but not in the sense most of us thinks. I live the life in which I am constantly unsatisfied. Always craving not for more but for better. Sometimes for myself, most of the time for the ones I love the most. In which being myself is never enough and I can never do enough to please others. And the life which all ends well. The life at the distance of a good night's sleep or a long walk by myself that allows me to immensely daydream. Where superwoman tommy arrives in town with enough attitude in the pockets to solve all the mysteries and dramas and ready to kick some butts.

The balance between them, something I've always dreamed of, insanely, I am yet to attain.
All I was able to recognise was that to live in reality is too painful. To dream of reality is too lunatic.

Sometimes all I wish I was able to do is to reset this whole thing. Right from scratch. Make it work better, feel better. Create a reality I can deal with. A reality in which my problems won't take me to extremes. In which besides all, I am always on the steering wheel of my life and nothing nor no one will make crash.

Life is not easy bloggers. I've always knew that but now I am just feeling it more and more.  To live everyday knowing that you are camping each day closer the edge, it's risky and so sincerely brave. And those who can do it, not to the cameras and much less to the social media but to the privacy of their lives are the fortunate ones. The fortunate ones who created their own luck. Who battled everyday for a better outcome, for a longer distance to the edge. And to those my sincere admiration. You make me believe that I can do it. And I will battle for it. My time will come.

Love always,
Tommy


"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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I am a broken toy.

Hey everyone! As I am writing this post, I am contending myself for shedding any tears because I am not as weak as I think I am. Bad things happen and I just have learn to deal with them.
There are several reasons why my heart is shrinking in pain at the moment. One of them being that I cannot stand the amount of effort and work my parents are putting into my future. It is astonishing and unfair because myself being a grown up woman who is capable of making my own decisions to certain things in life, should also be capable to support myself, financially and take all this weight off my parents' shoulders. I feel that I have to find a strategy (parts of me just wants to keep ignoring reality but it is no longer possible, I need to face things as they are! problems won't disappear because I decided to look in a different direction) to make it all possible, if not now, someday. The idea of someday is something so difficult for me to put up with. I've always loved to be ahead of my time. Going to school at 5, going to university with 17 and the possibility of past forwarding another year or maybe years is just plain hell for me. However, this is a personal issue of mine. My parents don't have to put up with my whims. I don't know how bloggers, I seriously have no idea but I will not allow my parents to stop their lives in other for me to live mine, when I have so many years ahead of me. Furthermore, this is supposed to be my time of struggle and my time for fighting for my dreams. Whatever they are, whatever they will be. I should not be counting on people. I have to myself out there. I have to sell better the product that I've become. I have to find people who will believe in my dreams as much as I do.

Another factor that is, oh, just breaking my heart into really small pieces that are not regenerating themselves any longer is a long past subject. I am one of those people that just loses years of her life obsessed with a certain person and I just have so much trouble getting over them. It's like an addiction. It consumes me deeply and fiercely. And regardless how many times I will hit rock bottom and swear never to talk to them again because I could not deal being hurt this much anymore. Regardless how many times I shout inside and out "I Quit! This is not for me", the first moment they will say, I miss you, I will just crawl back to them. Despite knowing backwards all the drawbacks and terrible consequences of the addiction, I will still try to ignore them for the sake of the quick moment of happiness, I am having. I know every bit of the pain now if I decide to quit will be worth it in the end but I cannot go through it.
Sometimes I wonder what will it be needed for me to simply shut the door, lock it and lose the key. What else will be needed?
It's not his fault. I know it's not. At least I feel it's not. And maybe that's the problem. I cannot hate him because I have nothing to blame him. Other people have told me I have plenty to blame him for but I cannot see it. I don't think he's guilty. I think I am guilty because I allowed myself to believe in this weird fantasy. It wasn't weird at first. It was simply and I made it complicated to myself and to him. And then we both got lost in it and we couldn't no longer find each other. That's the version of events I want to believe him.
Thereafter if he decides to move on, who am I to blame him? I would very likely do the same if I got into this weird relationship with a overly dramatic individual who is just not right for me. I would ditch all of that person's nonsense. Find a new person and try and be happy.
I understand him. I understand why I am not right to anyone right now. Not even to myself. I have so many little and big issues that I need to work through. The truth is, I am a broken toy and I have no idea how to fix myself.

All I know is that it hurts and all I know is that I cannot share this weight with no one else and that kind of sucks. God, please help me.

Love always,

Tommy

PS. And whoever reads this and thinks to themselves I am a big drama queen, I do not care. This is my blog and these are my feelings. I need to place them somewhere besides myself because they are destroying me. So if reading this, does not make you happy, please go watch silly cat videos on youtube and do not try and make me more depressed. Bye.

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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written in the stars

I've been wanting to write for a while. Just to clear my mind. A lot of possible topics for my posts passed through my mind but I always get caught up between something to do in the house or outside and when I finally have the time to write and contemplate, either I don't want it anymore or the inspiration is gone.
Well, this won't be an inspirational posts. It's just that I've been struggling with a few aspects of my life and I have been trying to open up with my friends but the feeling I get is that they are either too busy in their own lives that holding them back from doing whatever they have in hands is awful or that I would repeat myself and well, honestly no one really wants to listen to someone repeating themselves.
I am not a characteristic capricorn (I think part of me began to believe in star signs). I am not that hard-worker. I am not that committed. I am not that ambitious. I am not that success driven. I don't even think there is even a category for someone as myself. But this is not all bad. It means that my story isn't told somewhere in the stars. My destiny isn't step up. As I am writing to you right now, I am writing my own story.

Love always,
Tommy


"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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