Living on the edge of life.

I don't know. I think I just expected life to get easier as I grew up. Sounds silly, doesn't it? Life is meant to get more and more complex as you progress into it. Everyone knows that but me. You guys know me. I am the fairytale girl who denies them. I am the love song girl who will call them pathetic. I am the singing girl who will claim she can't sing (and that is in part true!). In summary I am the denying girl. The one who would rather look on a different direction in order not to see happens beyond my eyes so I can continue living my life as it has never happends. Sounds terrible I know, but it is the truth. I always had the illusion that things would get better if I just imagined a world, a better place to be in.

I've always lived two lives. The double life standard people tend to mention it is real but not in the sense most of us thinks. I live the life in which I am constantly unsatisfied. Always craving not for more but for better. Sometimes for myself, most of the time for the ones I love the most. In which being myself is never enough and I can never do enough to please others. And the life which all ends well. The life at the distance of a good night's sleep or a long walk by myself that allows me to immensely daydream. Where superwoman tommy arrives in town with enough attitude in the pockets to solve all the mysteries and dramas and ready to kick some butts.

The balance between them, something I've always dreamed of, insanely, I am yet to attain.
All I was able to recognise was that to live in reality is too painful. To dream of reality is too lunatic.

Sometimes all I wish I was able to do is to reset this whole thing. Right from scratch. Make it work better, feel better. Create a reality I can deal with. A reality in which my problems won't take me to extremes. In which besides all, I am always on the steering wheel of my life and nothing nor no one will make crash.

Life is not easy bloggers. I've always knew that but now I am just feeling it more and more.  To live everyday knowing that you are camping each day closer the edge, it's risky and so sincerely brave. And those who can do it, not to the cameras and much less to the social media but to the privacy of their lives are the fortunate ones. The fortunate ones who created their own luck. Who battled everyday for a better outcome, for a longer distance to the edge. And to those my sincere admiration. You make me believe that I can do it. And I will battle for it. My time will come.

Love always,
Tommy


"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado