After all this time, I'm still into you.

From time to time I have this recurrent dream. Some features change but it always ends up in me in the arms of this particular guy. You don't need to be a psychonalyst or freudian follower/lover to analyse such dreams. It is somewhat obvious. There is no deeper skin nor deeper meaning and it kills me to realise that regardless the transition of time, I still feel the same.
Yesterday I was chatting with a friend of mine from church about relationships. I don't have many friends at church and this gal is quite an interesting one even though we don't have much in common and she is a lot younger than me. I see her as my younger sister and she somehow always sees me as a role model but lately we haven't had mcuh time to hang out . We started by chatting about some of the, and I'm assuming more dramatic, current relationships' issues she is facing (how come a girl almost 5 years younger than me gets more action than I do? I feel like some old furniture. So not fair...) and progressively, in a slow pace and afterwards several and long descriptions of her romantic life, we moved to myself. I was updating her about some facts of my life in general - what I've been up to for the past months - and then when I got to the romance area, apartr from one or two events with that fella I talked about a while ago in England, nothing really has changed. I am still the same pathetic self at the same old place I was in since the last time we checked out with each other. It's funny, I remember her being 12 and asking me whether I liked this one guy and years after she is still questioning me the same about the same guy. When I tried to hide my embarassment from not having moving on, she said something as "There's always someone. Cut the chase. It's him, right?". Very awkwardly I nodded. Was I still into him? After all this time, after all the changes in my life, how come am I still into this guy?
All this came to me as a reality shock because it was nothing but the truth. Why am I not moving on as supposedly? why am I still chasing the same route when I already know its end?
The one thing I know. It's hard to let it go. And part of me may never do it.
When someone gets as deep to your skin as he did in mine and completely takes control of your unconscious mind and kinkery desires, it is hard to move on.
He is perfect to me. It  has been a really long time since everything started but my feelings have only grown for him ever since. I feel like I am in better place because I have more confidence but I am not still a pair to him. The only way to stop this trend is by ruining something I truly treasure. If somenthing was ever meant to be between us, it should have happened for a really long time now, right? How do you cope with this?

Love always,
Tommy



PS. I am falling in love with the bossa nova rhythm. As portuguese, I've always listened to Bossa Nova. But lately I've been researching more through spotify. For me, while listening to this, it reminds me of my childhood and happy moments. It feels like the warmness of sun rays touching your body while you let yourself swing through the blue waters of the ocean.  It's truly something, isn't it?

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado