Isn't destiny a funny thing?

Isn't destiny a funny thing? I say this with a glimpse of surprise and joy in my eye. Destiny makes the most insanely matches out there. People who in a society-perfect world would never be brought together, somehow find their own way to each other in this destiny-mad world.
My best friend in the whole world is happy and destiny made that happen. Now I wonder can destiny take all the credit?
Over the years I have been very upset about destiny and how daring and reckless it usually is. Somehow it always managed to provide challenge after challenge in my life.  It always managed to get the wrong people in my life. It always managed to make sure I left hurt and it never gave me the opportunity to be truly happy. At least that is what I have always thought.
However, what my best friend's happiness taught me about destiny is that all destiny does is provide the moment. Yes, it does manage to create the most atomic chemical reactions out there, but it is up to the elements of it to take it as an opportunity to elevate their knowledge on the universe and themselves or to let the reaction hurt them and wreck every inch of them from inside out.
My life compared to a chemistry lab has been a continuous amount of combustions, one after another. Wrong elements brought together that despite the initial exciting reaction, end up anulling each other in a explosion causing nothing but wrecked feelings and unwanted hurt. And I suppose it has been my choice to let it all hurt me and damage me on the inside.
Sometimes potential dangerous reactions make the most beautiful diamonds, the most secure foundations and the most thrilling experiences of one's life. Destiny is beyond the Yin and Yang of life. Destiny is in nature, is in faith, is in our dreams. But we as doomed human beings aren't. We have the choice to take the good out of a bad situation or to take the bad out of a good situation. We have the power to make that chemistry last despite of what may happen around us. Not every dangerous element on Earth that we come in contact with is meant to hurt us. At the end of the day, the only thing superior to destiny is the free will and self determination of each individual.

Love always,
Tommy


"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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It's time to move on to greener yards.

Hey bloggers? Hope you're all fine and the world is beating you down too often.
Friday I went to my first party in ages. I don't go out often so it felt good to have some fun and enjoy the company of random people. The party was good, filled with dancing, cheering and awesome philosophical conversations. It also involved the usual drunk people and strange fights that end up in declarations of love towards another. Everything was theoretically perfect. Perfect environment, perfect dance partner(s) and perfect dance music. Yet, I found myself drowning in a type of jealousy, I didn't even know I had.
Ok, let's rewind a few weeks. I've been having the most physically and emotionally difficult weeks one can imagine. My anxiety has been reaching new peaks every other day and I find myself doubting constantly if I will make it and if I will ever be the person I dream so much to be.
In between surviving an average job as a waitress that constantly hurts my self-esteem, volunteering in a place that requires the emotional stability I don't have at the moment and working on my first ever scientific project which involves meticulous planning and attempting to maintain and achieve good grades, my head has not given my heart a sole moment to wonder about love.
All that happened last year and made me disassemble into tiny microscopical pieces was put aside for higher reasons and goals that the heart had absolutely no say in.

The madness of life is intact and I'm still surviving and managing all these different affairs but the action of going back to a place where worries are silly thoughts of the mind and love is the gear of joy, made me wonder where I stand in terms of love.
As you may be aware, last year after allowing myself to constantly be hurt by the same person over and over and over again, in an almost masochistic way, I decided to get myself into a brand new relationship with what I thought was a completely different person. Needless to say that it was all wonders in the beginning and as soon as I realised that I was dating essentially the same guy in a different body, all went wrong from there. I got hurt and he disappeared from my life.
Ever since then (it's been three months), I dedicated myself fully to my future self and despite a few interactions with guys, I did not take anything remotely serious.
Until this party. There is this one guy. He fits the type which means he is everything I should be away from. And that's what I did. I've known him for a while, and I realised the reasons why we clicked and got along well and I also realised how it would all happen because I've basically dated him (the type). So, in a honest attempt to learn from my past mistakes, I decided to concentrate all my energy into achieving everything my future self can be professionally and humanly.
No, I did not knowingly attempted to ignore him, I just didn't spend any time trying to know more about him because I knew that the more I knew the worst it would be for me not to get attached. So, by not talking to him, even though I did see him around uni and in the society meetings, I would be protecting myself.
Little did I know that wrong was done already. Last Friday at this precise party I saw him kissing some other girl, she was pretty and I realised I was upset and jealous. I could barely look at them without this immense rage in me took over the joy of the party. It completely hit me with surprise because I didn't know I had any feelings for him at all. I mean, I attempted to protect myself this time...
This is obviously stupid and again he fits the type and I don't want to let myself be hurt by the type again so it is good that he is with someone else, right? I just need time to process all this and move on to greener yards. In fact, it's time to do it.


Love always,
Tommy

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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One-woman army!

I haven't written in a very long time and part of me thinks that I've already forgotten what it feels like to unload your worries in a white sheet of paper.
These weeks have been particularly difficult. Last year, I've struggled emotionally because of Love and yes, we all know love can pick us up and bring us down in the blink of an eye and that's what happened to me last year. And despite all my worries and fears, I survived. I would be lying if I said that I never thought of him ever again. I have, plenty. Not constantly but plenty. However, in contrast to what I predicted, I feel now that I can indeed move past him. Everyday I love him less and everyday I love myself more...
This year, a new yet very old battle struck again. I have been feeling an intensive, yet not uncommon type of emotional struggle. It's a one person fight. I'm not fighting against the odds. I am not fighting against the world. I've done it before and I've survived. This year, I've been fighting myself and God knows there hasn't been a tougher enemy than my own self in my life.
The pressure to be good and do well that comes from within makes me doubt if I can in fact make it and if I can in fact beat my negative self that is stopping me from feeling safe and confident.
I am a positive person overall but in particular towards me. People have disappointed me. People have used me and people have beaten me physically and emotionally and yet, I still truly believe in people. I still think that there are people worth fighting for.
However, when it comes to me. All darkens. Suddenly I'm filled and surrounded by the most negative energy someone has ever experienced. I can't sleep. I can't eat and I simply can't be human.
It's funny to mention human because not so long ago someone told me I wasn't being human. And I thought to myself, what else have I been my entire but human? What else have been my entire life but compassionate? What else have been my entire life my empathetic? I've dedicated extensive periods of my short life to others and to helping and how dare someone come to me and tell me I am not being human in the one moment I dedicate myself to myself? How dare they?
What is in fact to be human? Is it to reduce oneself to the reflection of society and other human beings? Is it to help others but never help oneself? Is it absolute selflessness and no right or time to love and appreciate yourself? was it it to be human?
Anyway, this is quite pointless but just got me into thinking about what exactly I wasn't being criticised for. Other perspectives have affected me plenty throughout my life and they still do in a manner but not an inch compared to what I think of myself.It's been a one person army against million negatives selves. Sometimes I wonder if I will make it alive...

Love always,
Tommy


"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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