I haven't written in a very long time and part of me thinks that I've already forgotten what it feels like to unload your worries in a white sheet of paper.
These weeks have been particularly difficult. Last year, I've struggled emotionally because of Love and yes, we all know love can pick us up and bring us down in the blink of an eye and that's what happened to me last year. And despite all my worries and fears, I survived. I would be lying if I said that I never thought of him ever again. I have, plenty. Not constantly but plenty. However, in contrast to what I predicted, I feel now that I can indeed move past him. Everyday I love him less and everyday I love myself more...
This year, a new yet very old battle struck again. I have been feeling an intensive, yet not uncommon type of emotional struggle. It's a one person fight. I'm not fighting against the odds. I am not fighting against the world. I've done it before and I've survived. This year, I've been fighting myself and God knows there hasn't been a tougher enemy than my own self in my life.
The pressure to be good and do well that comes from within makes me doubt if I can in fact make it and if I can in fact beat my negative self that is stopping me from feeling safe and confident.
I am a positive person overall but in particular towards me. People have disappointed me. People have used me and people have beaten me physically and emotionally and yet, I still truly believe in people. I still think that there are people worth fighting for.
However, when it comes to me. All darkens. Suddenly I'm filled and surrounded by the most negative energy someone has ever experienced. I can't sleep. I can't eat and I simply can't be human.
It's funny to mention human because not so long ago someone told me I wasn't being human. And I thought to myself, what else have I been my entire but human? What else have been my entire life but compassionate? What else have been my entire life my empathetic? I've dedicated extensive periods of my short life to others and to helping and how dare someone come to me and tell me I am not being human in the one moment I dedicate myself to myself? How dare they?
What is in fact to be human? Is it to reduce oneself to the reflection of society and other human beings? Is it to help others but never help oneself? Is it absolute selflessness and no right or time to love and appreciate yourself? was it it to be human?
Anyway, this is quite pointless but just got me into thinking about what exactly I wasn't being criticised for. Other perspectives have affected me plenty throughout my life and they still do in a manner but not an inch compared to what I think of myself.It's been a one person army against million negatives selves. Sometimes I wonder if I will make it alive...
Love always,
Tommy
"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado
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