Friday I went to my first party in ages. I don't go out often so it felt good to have some fun and enjoy the company of random people. The party was good, filled with dancing, cheering and awesome philosophical conversations. It also involved the usual drunk people and strange fights that end up in declarations of love towards another. Everything was theoretically perfect. Perfect environment, perfect dance partner(s) and perfect dance music. Yet, I found myself drowning in a type of jealousy, I didn't even know I had.
Ok, let's rewind a few weeks. I've been having the most physically and emotionally difficult weeks one can imagine. My anxiety has been reaching new peaks every other day and I find myself doubting constantly if I will make it and if I will ever be the person I dream so much to be.
In between surviving an average job as a waitress that constantly hurts my self-esteem, volunteering in a place that requires the emotional stability I don't have at the moment and working on my first ever scientific project which involves meticulous planning and attempting to maintain and achieve good grades, my head has not given my heart a sole moment to wonder about love.
All that happened last year and made me disassemble into tiny microscopical pieces was put aside for higher reasons and goals that the heart had absolutely no say in.
As you may be aware, last year after allowing myself to constantly be hurt by the same person over and over and over again, in an almost masochistic way, I decided to get myself into a brand new relationship with what I thought was a completely different person. Needless to say that it was all wonders in the beginning and as soon as I realised that I was dating essentially the same guy in a different body, all went wrong from there. I got hurt and he disappeared from my life.
Ever since then (it's been three months), I dedicated myself fully to my future self and despite a few interactions with guys, I did not take anything remotely serious.
Until this party. There is this one guy. He fits the type which means he is everything I should be away from. And that's what I did. I've known him for a while, and I realised the reasons why we clicked and got along well and I also realised how it would all happen because I've basically dated him (the type). So, in a honest attempt to learn from my past mistakes, I decided to concentrate all my energy into achieving everything my future self can be professionally and humanly.
No, I did not knowingly attempted to ignore him, I just didn't spend any time trying to know more about him because I knew that the more I knew the worst it would be for me not to get attached. So, by not talking to him, even though I did see him around uni and in the society meetings, I would be protecting myself.
Little did I know that wrong was done already. Last Friday at this precise party I saw him kissing some other girl, she was pretty and I realised I was upset and jealous. I could barely look at them without this immense rage in me took over the joy of the party. It completely hit me with surprise because I didn't know I had any feelings for him at all. I mean, I attempted to protect myself this time...
This is obviously stupid and again he fits the type and I don't want to let myself be hurt by the type again so it is good that he is with someone else, right? I just need time to process all this and move on to greener yards. In fact, it's time to do it.
Love always,
Tommy
"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado
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