There isn't enough tea to quell the rage in my heart!

You know those days when should've never left home or have access to your email or have contact with anyone. I'm in one of those. Just discovered I had a pretty bad grade at one of my assignments. Lost my favourite beret, what makes two of them lost in less than 3 days. Forgot to do something very important that will not allow Stephanie to spend Christmas with her mom.And to finish, I'll have the crowdest Christmas ever because some cousins and aunties are coming from Angola to spend the holidays here.
I seriously feel like crying after this day. I only did crap all day and received bad news. I've messed it all. I f* everything around. Everyhting I managed to get, I ruined. I mean this day couldn't get worse, I said that earlier this morning and funny fact, it did, much much worse. Moreover the "every year depression" I experience on the prior days and the day of my birth, is arriving so I feel like I just got a punch on my face and honestly, I feel like I deserved it. It's all my stupid fault.
I'm so freaking mad at myself. Seriously, I can only recall feeling this way when I failed at my first IELTS exam and that day I prayed not to feel that way ever again. And here I am, back again.
I don't want to see or talk to anyone. I want to reduce myself to my insignificance and not to feel anything for a while. Just to clear my mind.
I had a completely different post planned. So much happier, so much deeper. And then, all this happened today. That's why I'm always so afraid of being happy. Everytime I feel a little bit of happiness, there's something that takes it from me and replaces it with insecurity and sadness and rage, so much rage.

Love always,
Tommy.

"There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends." John 15:13
I just want to highlight the enormous act of love from this teacher, Ms Victoria, who died protecting and hiding his students from a lunatic, insane and instable man who murdered several people on December, 15th, many of those, children. She wasn't the only to do it. Furthermore the School director and school psychologist did it. My prayers and thoughts to all who experienced and got injured and lost a family member in this tragedy. And as well, to all Americans who are now facing another big tragedy.  


"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado