Something really is wrong with me. And I don't know what it is

“I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you exist. Or something like that.”  The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I guess I should say good things once in a while and stop this trend of negative feelings but I don't feel any better.
Don't feel bad for me I'm used to this. From time to time, I feel this way. Deep inside I think I never stop feeling this way, luckily sometimes I have more important stuff covering it, which is good I think.
When I was little I used to go my momma's bed and lay down there right close her waiting for her asleep and warm hug and then the whisper: 'it's okay darling, try to get some sleep now'. 
Other times I just ran onto my sister's bed and she'd say something different but with the same goal: 'Always the same Tomazia. All right, you can sleep here but try not smash or push me out bed, okay?', I just nodded and we both fell asleep in less than a minute and she'd eventually, fell out of bed .
I've always had them right there to make it okay, so being such a weirdo was never that bad. 
Now, though they're still with me, they're fairly more distant and have to fight my own demons and battles what's becoming a major concern of me. I dunno what, but there's definitely something really wrong with me. I'm just too different in every single way imaginable. It's okay to be different but maybe if you're too different there's something repressed  in your unconscious mind since your childhood that is keeping apart from the world, according to Freud. I have to figure out what's wrong with me and get rid of it and maybe someday I can just fit naturally and maybe who knows find my happiness there.


Love always,
PS. Just finished my 3rd reading in two months. This is really a record to me. And this last book, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, has turned my favourite of all times. I can really relate to Charles. I feel the same way he does. If you are looking for a book to read, I recommend this one. xxx




"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

Tommy.

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Sadness is sad...

Heey peeps! I feel very ashamed for my undenial and unreasonable absence since I came back to England and therefore I come onto you all, my beloved bloggers who follow me worldwide, to apologise. I've been going through a lot lately and though I do have time to write and I don't have any inspiration to add to your lives.
My life's a mess, my emotion overwhelmed, my goals apparently unreachable and I didn't see a point in writing.
Uni has started for over a month now and I haven't made a friend. I'm still living at the same place as before with the difference that I now I share it with a rat. Yes, that's correct. I have a rat as a roommate. Long story short, I saw a rat a few weeks ago in my apartment, I obviously overracted like a little girl then made myself enoughly strong to go after it, couldn't find it anywhere in the house but I'm sure it's arround making fun of me, that stupid bastard!
Besides that, I have been looking for a job, unfortunately nothing has appeared but since I'm incredibly tight with money, I have no choice but keep looking and hoping it will show up asap.
I'm driving crazy with my grandma and her stuff to do. During my entire life she never cared about and now expects me to do all these stuff like I owe her something. The truth is that I have repressed feelings for my grandma for things that happened in the past, I don't quite forgive her yet, but I won't bring this subjet to discuss now. And even with this not-so-welcoming past, I still want to be nice and help as much as possible but she is difficultating my life and I need to get some distance from her otherwise I might do or say something I don't want to.
My sister's going to Brazil next week what means that I won't be able to see her so soon. So, great!
I spent a lot of money in something very stupid so Im kinda tight.
For all reasons above plus my nostalgic inner personality, I'm feeling depressed and I can't get in mood to study since last Friday what is not good since I'm full of assigments to hand at the end of this week and beggining of next month.
I miss my best friend like hell. I miss my mommy and my daddy's security. I'm so sad my best pal, my sister, is not going to spend Christmas with me when I miss her companion so so much.
I kinda have to go to the gym because I haven't been going lately but I'm way to lazy to it.
Anyhow, Im gonna start doing something now and hopefully I'll say something later this week.
Sorry for not bringing good news.
See y'all next time
Tommy

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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Here's the thing. I'm mad. I feel betrayed by my own sister. She decided to get married and live in Brasil. We were supposed to do this together. I know I'm being selfish and childish but I'm really mad. She was one of the biggest reasons for me to do all this. Abandon my course, leave my friends, leave my family, my support, my security. In order to us to do this together. She promised me. The stupid bastard promised me. I was waiting for her. All along. She had no right to blow up our plans like this. Now she's going to Brasil, beyond atlantic and I stay here. By myself. We always did everything together and in the past couple years we haven't done a lot together. I've missed her.  I was looking forward for this. It's not fair...I really want her to be happy. But does it have to be so far? I won't see her at least for a year. She couldn't have done this to me.
Enough said.

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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Update/Heads up

Aren’t kids adorable? I know sounds weird starting a post with such statement but it has some logic, you’ll get it. Well, allow me then to share my latest ‘fun’ experience with one of 'my kids’.

My charming 7-year-old-cousin, Stephanie Melanie, did something very naively that put me through to a very uncomfortable and embarrassing situation right a few days ago.

It all started when I went to pick her up from school last Tuesday and noticed that her music teacher, Mr Davidson, according to her, to be honest I’m not 100% sure whether I heard this surname or something ending ‘son’, anyway, going on, he was obviously very handsome, very dorky style, besides being an actual musician (this is a tip for you boys and men. I really hope you all know it, but just in case, musicians are naturally attractive to women. So, you know what to do with this info clever folks, don’t you?)  

Anyhow, moving to the awkward part, I naively, as well, meant to comment with Steph that he was interesting and I was intrigued about his age. She said she didn’t know and I said okay and I thought this was the end of it. Well, never throw a clock bomb like this to a child. It tends to explode in the worst moments. And yes, never underestimate the brain of a child. Some are simply remarkable. 

So what happened was… Everything was cool and forgotten until a couple days ago, when my grandmother asked me how things were going between me and steph’s teacher. I was shocked by that approach coming from nowhere but nicely and discretely, I explained her how everything was only a misunderstanding. Later, on the same day, I went to pick steph’s from school again and this time she was over excited like she was bringing very good news. They really were great and she was sooo excited she didn’t even wait to come onto me to tell the one, she just yelled them. ‘Mr.Davidson is 25. I’ve just asked him.’ Believe you think you can imagine my poker face but you can’t. And there he was, looking in our direction like everybody else. Well, facing that situation my reaction was exactly what someone as grown up as me could do, I munched a few words to Steph and dragged her and especially me, out of there. It was an awkward moment, very likely to be one of the high ones, top 5, of my awkward moments list, which unfortunately, is getting longer and longer.

In a very weirdly way I think I’ve learnt my lesson here. Being smooth is always the rule. Never tell a child your entire plans, just tell them enough for they to know how to help you and make sure you enlighten them about what to do and more important, what NOT to do. Lulz

A summar of these first days of uni. Everyone's nice but I miss my friends. The classes are good but I miss my friends. The uni is excelent but I still miss my friends. I'm trying to cope with this nostalgia and put me eyes on the prize in order not to fall in a depression, but this is hard. I'm pretty sure you can all understand.

To finish, folks, I'm having a disturbing experience with a bastard rat. I hate rats. I hate not desirable animals in my house. Mental breakdown. And tonight I leave you all with a very special song. One of my faves. One of the requirements of my wedding ceremony (Is a bit too early, but c’mon who never thought about it?). Anyway, I believe that is every girl dream to have someone whom or with who, sing this song.

In my short, barely experienced opinion, I believe this is the basis of a love relationship and this is what I want for me:  A part time lover and a full friend. 

Stay cool folks. Yes ‘long time no see’ during this September but I promised October is going to see more from me.

Anyway, see you soon guys. Very soon

X

Tommy

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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countdown uni...

Hiya! Wel this is a late-posting. I've written this post some time ago, more precisel last sunday, before the enrolling week has started. Due to a lot of stuff that has happening lately,   I never really got time to post it. so here it goes now...
To finish, I will be as well posting an update text related to my uni experience, on the following days, talking about my enrolling week, these first official days and my adaptation to everything around.
See you next time,
X

« Hey everybody!
I've just figured one more reason for the existence of MK. This may sound somewhat strange but I really enjoy doing monologues. Just pretending I'm talking to someone who is close and sharing with him what disturbs my mind and results in this lack or incapability of being normal. Usually no ones hears them, but it was time to gain a voice, and MK has brought that to me. The security that even though my secrets are over there in the internet, no one will do nothing but listen to me. It feels nice, I must admit, knowing that people care about me, about this ongoing version of myself. At least that's what stats indicates (over 14.000 views, thank you all a lot). In the beggining, the no. Of views used to influeciate my assiduaty, the no. of posts I did per month. Neverthless, at the moment, the no. of views only assure me one simple thing, there's only a pal, a dear friend, a blogger, who is out there and is interested in getting to know me, as an aspirant in writing and as well, in life. And that fact just blows my mind. I know you guys don't give a lot of feedback, maybe because it is hard to connect with my experiences, but it means a lot that you still visit me after all the time that has passed. Even though I'm only an 18 young lady, my life has been following different paths from the people of my age. I don't a give a crap to a lot of stuff they do. Of course I care about my appearence but since I'm not even partly comfortable with it, I just wear anything. Especially here in england, where all girls are skinny, blond and little princesses. I only wear something special or take more time getting myself ready when I know there will be someone I actually like, care about, someone special waiting to see me. At the moment, there's no one like that in my daily life. Those people usually consume us until we drain out of breath and pulse. Being in love is just too hard when you are not reciprocrated. What people call of unrequited love.
I had my first match in love, a few months ago. At least I thought I did. However, it was not meant to be. We just failure to meet. I'm not a very destiny defender, but in this case, I can't deny. Either love is too complicated or I complicate him.
I look forward for the beggining of this school year. I really want to meet someone new e move on with this part of my life. This is keeping me down, I deserve better. I'm good girl, I honour my parents and my principles, I deserve someone who honours me and feels the same love I do for him. I'm sick of humillianting me for someone not worthy. If you proved in more ways than by words, your feelings for that person and still is not enough for him to decide to give some back means that he's not the one for you.
Anyway, uni is about to start and I'm not nervous, at all, I'm just worried about my performance and adaptation. Hope everything turns out OKAY.
X
love y'all
Tommy »

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Hiya fellas!

My very deep apologies for my lately absence, my adorable followers. As I referred on my last post, I went back to the UK. I'm currently here lulz. And since I arrived, including the trip back, no rest I was aloud to have. I have been dealing with a lot stress and rush and I'm trying to keep myself together and focused on my goals. Today, finally, I have some time to breathe and recharge my batteries, so what is better than catching up with my bloggers?
To begin with, I know I've been complaining a lot about coming back to England but the truth is that I'm painting the picture a bit darker than it actually is and this isn't bad at all. On the bright side, for exemple, I am looking forward to study at Huddersfield. Everything was set up properly and the first day is happily arriving with no visible drawbacks. And Precisely a week ago, Me and a friend of mine that took her degree at Huddersfield, went there so that a bit of the environment and project and match what I had in mind with the crude reality and I was positively surprised. Huddersfield is indeed a very charming town, quite similar to Leeds, where I live, and the University is simply outstanding. It was a very pleasant surprise realising that I actually did manage to enter there in such a short period of time. The Psychology department is situated at the oldest building, which, in my opinion, suits perfectly what psychology is as a science and as a subject that studies not only, but foremost, the human mind. So I can really wait for this adventure to begin. I will give my best to nothing more nothing less than excelent, as one of closest friend, says. Be excelent must be a personal requirement in evrything we do, otherwise we never are getting anywhere.
Furthermore last week, another thing happened. Unfortunately, didn't end as I imagine it would and my family has suferred a terrible lost. To be honest, not so much to myself I wasn't that close to the person who has passed away (interesting expression, isn't it? I have a theory about it. Abother day I'll share it). Therefore I won't be an hypocritical and say that I cried or something but I was definitely touched my the matter. It was my great grandmother whom passed away. She was almost 100 years old (that's quite a number, right?) and it was a no-previous-warning event, she looked healthy and fine for her age. I think we all have the comfort that she had a very simple, happy and long life, precisely how she wanted, so we should congratulate the years we were blessed to spend with her.
Anyway, because of this sad event, my grandma went to Sao Tome so that she could see one last time her mother and be surrounded by her brothers and sister. And I stayed almost this entire week looking after my uncle dede. It was quite a work. It was my first time. I mean I always only had the fun part with him, the entertaintment part. However this time, beyond that, I had to prepare his food, giving him baths and cleaning him and lifting him up and down or from one place to another. It is incredible how my grandma did this for almost 30 years. I mean, I only had a sample and I'm already dying lulz. Anyhow, he worths the effort and this is a self pleasure too. We always had a lot of fun together and it is time for me to give back part of the love I always received from him. I love my uncle. He is a very special man, not only for his condition, but as well for the way he faces life.:-)always so grateful and happy. It is touching to see. I wish we could all learn with him. I really believe that people like my uncle are better than the rest of us. They are more special, gifted, sensitive and even clever.
Well, bloggers, to finish, I am looking for a room or flat. I decided I won't any longer live with my grandma. I need my space and privacy and that won't be, for sure, achieved if we live together under the same roof. Thereafter, I am looking for a room or flat to rent during this school year near to my university. I found on the internet a few very interesting options so maybe this moving in and out, will sooner thabn I thought at first.
Well, that's pretty much it.
Below are some pics and a short vlog. Enjoy and until next time!
xx
Tommy :-)
PS. I know I should have highlighted the following dates earlier: the 28th August and 1st  September before, but I was off broadband at home so I didn't manage to do it by the right time. However anyway, these are two very singular and important dates to me. It's my best friend and my little brother birthdays. They are both simply gorgeous folks that I don't believe I could live without. I love you both very much and please this year aloud yourself to dream a little.

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