It's the wrong kind of time to be thinking of you - The story.

Hello people! I come among you today to share a short summer tale I started writing today. I have always enjoyed writing short stories during Summer and unfortunately last year I was too busy trying to get into uni that I didn't do it. So since I have the time this year I will definitely try to overcompensate last year faulty ;)  Below it is an unrevised draft of what I've written so far, which is not much. I'll keep you guys updated with my work here. Nice week y'all

Love always, 

Tommy

It was something as random as a short bus journey that brought them together. It wasn't love at first sight. Instead a single moment in which she realised that guy who nothing she saw once might be the guy who she always dreamt about.

I’m sorry if somehow I misled you and passed the wrong impression but this is not a love story. No such thing as a happy ending will come out of this. This a tale of two lonesome and despite young, very old souls who accidentally have met each other and now had to face chaos in order to survive. My only job here is to report the events that preceded it.

September 10th, 2009.

If once there was golden days, 2009 was the year where it all started. Everything was finally coming together. 
Her name was Ivy Anne Twaine. She did not much like it and never really understood it. She liked to think of herself as an ordinary child of the nineties but God knew she was different. The second daughter of a once happy and now divorced couple; a random and lousy member of a very large and controversial family; sort of an introvert, although I don’t quite know how she might qualify in and a cheerful supporter of day dreamers.

If I were to describe her that is what I would say. I don’t think you need to know more and very honestly I don't think she would like it.

Ivy lived several lives in several places. Hung on one or two buddies to get her through each of them - being myself one of them. The year she met him was the very first year she felt she belonged.

She was about to be sixteen - oh that marvellous age. The freedom of being able to ride your own vehicle and disappear to Neverland...Ivy couldn't wait for it and that year she felt such would be possible. Her family and she had just moved to a brand new house at a very charming neighborhood. They were all very happy. After all they’ve been through as a family, to finally possess a beautiful house with a flourished garden and a fancy car they could call their own was a victory.  

It was a new place but the same old rules applied and Ivy mastered them as only a psychopath would. Her brain was configured to operate standardly well to go through all social situations: present herself the best she could without revealing much to the curious fellas who came around the investigate the new bee; don't mind those occasional obnoxious looks and wondering faces toward her person that were exclusively owed to the dark point in the white matter that she was now seen as; and both smile and intimidate, you should never be too nice, she repeated compulsively, people will take advantage of you. 

He, on the other hand, was remarkable. Named David Usborne Jr. after his grandfather - a celebrity of the 60s. A bright and handsome young man who was way too good for her, as she'd say. He had the perfect life and the best friends in the world, or so he thought, before meeting her. He felt nothing missing until nothing became the whole that turned his entire life upside down. 

All of this happened, more or less, like this.

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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It's the wrong kind of time to be thinking of you...

How I would like to enjoy a glass full of red wine. Taste it, enjoy it, no background story.
How I would like to sit back and enjoy a nice movie beside you. Delight myself, no strings attached, no commitment required, no tears shed.
How I would like to enjoy the nice summer breeze travelling slowing through all pores of my skin. Feel it in the moment, no expectations, no desire for more.
How I would like logic to make sense...Me plus you equaling happiness, me less you without equaling equilibrium, not craving for your touch.
How I would like to be that person for once... the one who knows what is going when nobody's there.
How I would like to step a little closer to the edge, regale the beautiful view... See the world beneath me, not fear it, not fall into it.

I'm sorry if you don't understand where all this is coming from. I'm sorry if you just stumble into me and I'm not giving you the opportunity to know the better me. They say home is where the heart is. Well mine is divided into pieces, separated by the wind. Where to go now?

Love always,
Tommy

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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You just know that you just don't know.

I don't know. I just don't know what to know, where to go, whom believe or whether to stay or leave. I've never felt this lost. I've never felt this left out. Surrounded by sharks, swimming for my survival.
I don't know what is going on. I've been here before. I'm no mewbie. I'm stronger than this. I know I am. That's why I'll remain strong for everybody because it's my job. I just need this moment. 5 minutes of unloading on this very spot and I'll come back to my run.
They taught me to turn right, but when no right is left on the right side, what else to do but turn left? Whether to turn left is the right decision is something I don't know, but soon enough will find out.



Love always,
Tommy

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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Can you feel the love tonight?

People have called me naive my entire life and secretly I always thought they were wrong and my experience was wider than they could imagine. However no. I am naive, not because of lack of experience. Because I will always be that silly and naive girl who no matter how many times disappointed with humanity will always have faith in it. I always saw humanity with clean eyes, regardless the heavy dust thrown to my eyes. There so much sickness that doesn't involve disease. So much filth, unnecessary jealousy for their brothers and sisters. People are mean to each other for no reason...
All my life I've tried deny to myself that religious people were as faulty as the rest of world but they tried harder to be better. All my life I told that to myself with hope to be right in the end. Truth be told, even though I do know angels of God, most religious people I know are really mean. The more I know them, the less close I want to be. My faith in religion is fading away as each day passes. The best people I know are atheists or agnostics (though I don't quite think it is possible to be an agnostic an entire life and remain on the fence) and the worst I've seen of humanity are people gentically close to me and practioners of christianity. Christians have such a dirty and judgmental mind; snooping on their brothers and sisters' lives with ulterior intentions of undermining them, take their value as people away. I don't want to become that person as well. I believe in God, I have and will never question my faith but I'm not sure if I believe in religions anymore. I do think that mormonism has less of that bad aura most religions carry across the streets but it still has remains of it. I cannot understand how can people read a book as pure as the bible and go out and do bad things regardless what they have just learned and claim to believe.  

Every blood related familiar I have are religious and they all hate each other (except from my family, we're different from them because we've always kept our distance). Brothers hating sisters...how can one conceive such? I love my siblings so much that I'm certain I'd give my life for them. But these people would de stroy an eternal bond because of an argument, because of money.It is so sad to watch this befront my eyes. It saddens me. I don't want to be close to that anymore. It sickens my soul. 

Why can't we all just get along and love each other. Not for religion, not even for god. For ourselves. For the love we have felt and shared someday...

Home is where the heart is, 

Love always, 

Tommy

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to.

Hello bloggers and Hello July! I know I've been quite absent lately and especially throughout June but I pinky promise you will see more of me during July. 

This is going to be be a quick update post, in order to make a quick register of the lastest events in my life. So, per order, I'm officially done with my very first year of university in the UK. My final grades were just released in about three weeks ago and I was so astonished and happy with them. I've worked really hard for them so it is rewarding to see a good results coming out of this. So, I'm ticking my first box on my checklist for university regarding my 1st year and soon enough I'll be done with this degree; Can't wait for it :)

Also, I got myself a new guitar. I've wanted to buy originally an 88 key yamaha keyboard but as much as I stretched my available budget, truth be told, I couldn't just afford it. So, I went for an acoustic guitar instead. I've always secretly desired one and I'm always keen for a challenge, so playing the guitar from scratch no previously (as opposite from piano) experience might be just it. 

To finish, this last update is not the most interesting one but it makes me happy to say that a glimpse of Summer has finally arrived to North England. I can finally see the sun uncovered by the usually heavy clouds in a beautiful clear sunny day (it's still a bit windy, but c'mon it's england, if you get this much, keep your mouth shut and accept it :p ).

Well, these were the updates. Now regarding my personal dramas.
Firstly, don't mind my latest post. I was in a very depressive downwards spiral with confusion and tiredness boarding all over me. I'm feeling a bit better regarding the subject that put me on it for starters but I'm still unbalanced. I'm feeling scared and unstable. I truly miss my siblings and the thought that we're all in different continents - ocean apart, it kills me because we're really close to each others. And to worsen it, I had this awful nightmare about my parents tonight. So, I'm all shaken up.

I don't regret being with someone I have no feelings for even though I wouldn't have done it in the past - I've always been very emotioanlly connected to people and easily hurt. So I guess I was just trying to make statement here..that I can be too the other person, who doesn't care and it still goes for it. I feel a bad however...not much for him because you know, he'll get what he wants for anyone other girl he may fancy, but for me, for pushing myself to be this senseless person I'm not ( but would love to, feelings are exhausting).

Another issue. I'm super jealous of pretty much everyone who's enjoying their summers because I have no clue when I'll be enjoying mine. I have these entanglements going on here in the UK, problems after problems to fix but no easy answer to any...I'm clueless when I'll be able to come back home, I'll keeping throwing date in the air to everyone who asks me and checking every hour or so the airtickets. I also don't know, in case I go, how long I'll be staying... I see everyone making plans for the Summer. Hanging out with their frineds and family while I'm here away, far from everyone both physical and emotionally. I wonder if even when I'm in Portugal my friends will want to hang out with me because they don't seem to want much and I won't blame them because I'm not exactly that likeable and interesting as a person.

So, while everyone will have their cool trips, boyfriend and girlfriend, family and best friends, parties and festivals' photos posted on their facebook timeline, I will have the same lame old me.

Love always, 

Tommy

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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What people won't tell you about love...

Fernando Pessoa was a Portuguese poet whose sensibility and madness overcame the understanding of most plebeian minds. He once said that art (literature) must be a result of imagination. That is to say that when you feel a real pain, you should never print into real words if you desire to achieve some art from it. Instead, you must get over it and later narrate with fictional feelings and a mind full of imagination. 

To achieve art you must leave the self you and elevate yourself to higher level of artistic self. 

And I couldn't be more in agreement with him. 

The reason I'm saying all this is because of last night. 

Last night was one of the longest nights of my life. I was feeling so overwhelmed with feelings brought back to life inside of me that the only thing I desired was to write in order to swipe them far away from me. However I was stuck. I had no words inside of me, just nameless feelings. I was unable to transport any feelings into my words. I was trapped inside of my own overwhelming self and about to blow any time soon. . 

Let me tell you this story from the top, I was in love with this guy for ages and I tried to make it work several times but one cannot make a two-people relationship work, as you must assume. So, I decided to make one last strike. Try one last time when I went on holidays back home during spring break. It didn't work. I mean, it did work in some level but not in the way I expected, not in the way I felt I deserved. So, I got tired of trying with no sucessful answer and vowed to myself that I would move on. It was really hard for me this time because it was for real. I had no remain hopes. I was hurt. Really hurt and I couldn't even blame him because he had no idea what I was going through. So, I just shut all kind of feelings I had for him inside of me so that I didn't have to feel this bad ever again and told myself everything was product of my kinky imagination so I should just move on.

Ever since I've been trying really hardly to do it. To forget someone is as hard as loving them and in the past the only way I've ever got throught it was by meeting someone new (You can only achieve better by trying something new, right?). So I accepted to go on a date with this co-worker guy I had no feelings for besides attraction (he's indeed good-looking). 

He was a really good companion the whole date, very charming and really respectful most of time (except when he brought me back home. He kissed me and tried to make his way into my house). He even bought me flowers and no one had ever got me flowers. Everything seemed to be hitting off and things were going smoothly and looking good but the entire time I felt as if something was missing, even when he kissed me (which he tried to do every 10 minutes or so...). I'm not complaining. He's a fine kisser, I don't even know if I'm any good myself. He seemed to have enjoyed so, I assume I'm not bad. But the whole date I was trying so hard to be present, to want him the way I felt he wanted me. The problem wasn't attraction, it was about a missing connection. Everything with him felt so physical. So lack of emotional proximity. Plus he also kept on pressuring to go on a second date with him the whole time and I don't like to feel pressured to do something I don't know if I want. When he held my hand, I felt uncomfortable. When he put his arm around me, I wanted to take it off. When he moved on to kiss me during and after the date, I wanted to stop him right there. But I didn't do any of these things because I was trying to move on. And he is a fine boy who for once likes me the way I've been expecting all these years for someone to do it. He bought me flowers, ordered great food, held my hand, looked me in the eye passionately and confessed how he felt about me. He's perfect and I don't know why I'm kept trying to spoil happiness. And up until arriving home last night I convinced myself I would give us that chance. The chance to make things work and feel better. However, once I got home everything changed. It was as if this single moment had triggered and opened a door inside of me to an amount so enormous of feelings and emotions that were so overwhelming and powerful that I felt that I was about to blow at anytime.There was heat running through my entitre body, my heart shrinking, my eyes watered, I had no control of myself.

Now I don't know what to do. I have this amazing guy who likes me the way I feel I deserve but something doesn't feel right and I have this other guy who is confusing and puzzling and I have no idea how he feels but my heart calls for him at every beat. My brain tells me to take this chance to be happy with someone who is willing to make me happy. But my heart tells me that he was taken away from the one I love.

So netheads, what People fail to mention about love is that essentially IT SUCKS. It sucks the hell out of you. Love is about establishing a rhythm with someone. It feels like a choreographed dance. You have to take the right steps. Otherwise, you’re going to fall flat on your face. What people won’t tell you about love is that it can feel too intense. Like it’s going to break your body in half and cause your heart to bleed out. These moments, while amazing, can leave you scared. They can leave you shaken and feeling extra cautious. 

People won’t tell you how close love exists to hate. You hate yourself. You hate the person you love. You hate the world for not being on your side. People won’t tell you love that can turn you into someone you don’t want to be. An asshole. Needy. Insecure. It takes a flashlight to your wounds and rips at them. Better cover up real good because when it’s over, everything will be out in the open. Every flaw, every mistake, every moment of anger. It’ll all be there. People won’t tell you that love can be a bastard. It can smack you across the face. It can leave you for dead. You’ll deny that it’s hurting you. You’ll cover up the bruises because you don’t want it to ever be taken away from you.

People won’t tell you that you actually need love. Sure, you can survive without it. You can drown yourself in self-love. You can take cooking classes, distract yourself from the absence of another person’s touch, try knitting, meet random people. But it won’t cure it. It won’t get rid of the fact that you need that someone close to you, someone that makes sense and treats you with kindness. How can you not need this? How can you not crave it every single day you wake up alone?

What People Won’t Tell You About Love is that These are the things about love that we just can’t discuss because there is no explanation for. 

Love always but keep your crap together first, 

Tommy

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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