Fernando Pessoa was a Portuguese poet whose sensibility and madness overcame the understanding of most plebeian minds. He once said that art (literature) must be a result of imagination. That is to say that when you feel a real pain, you should never print into real words if you desire to achieve some art from it. Instead, you must get over it and later narrate with fictional feelings and a mind full of imagination.
To achieve art you must leave the self you and elevate yourself to higher level of artistic self.
And I couldn't be more in agreement with him.
The reason I'm saying all this is because of last night.
Last night was one of the longest nights of my life. I was feeling so overwhelmed with feelings brought back to life inside of me that the only thing I desired was to write in order to swipe them far away from me. However I was stuck. I had no words inside of me, just nameless feelings. I was unable to transport any feelings into my words. I was trapped inside of my own overwhelming self and about to blow any time soon. .
Let me tell you this story from the top, I was in love with this guy for ages and I tried to make it work several times but one cannot make a two-people relationship work, as you must assume. So, I decided to make one last strike. Try one last time when I went on holidays back home during spring break. It didn't work. I mean, it did work in some level but not in the way I expected, not in the way I felt I deserved. So, I got tired of trying with no sucessful answer and vowed to myself that I would move on. It was really hard for me this time because it was for real. I had no remain hopes. I was hurt. Really hurt and I couldn't even blame him because he had no idea what I was going through. So, I just shut all kind of feelings I had for him inside of me so that I didn't have to feel this bad ever again and told myself everything was product of my kinky imagination so I should just move on.
Ever since I've been trying really hardly to do it. To forget someone is as hard as loving them and in the past the only way I've ever got throught it was by meeting someone new (You can only achieve better by trying something new, right?). So I accepted to go on a date with this co-worker guy I had no feelings for besides attraction (he's indeed good-looking).
He was a really good companion the whole date, very charming and really respectful most of time (except when he brought me back home. He kissed me and tried to make his way into my house). He even bought me flowers and no one had ever got me flowers. Everything seemed to be hitting off and things were going smoothly and looking good but the entire time I felt as if something was missing, even when he kissed me (which he tried to do every 10 minutes or so...). I'm not complaining. He's a fine kisser, I don't even know if I'm any good myself. He seemed to have enjoyed so, I assume I'm not bad. But the whole date I was trying so hard to be present, to want him the way I felt he wanted me. The problem wasn't attraction, it was about a missing connection. Everything with him felt so physical. So lack of emotional proximity. Plus he also kept on pressuring to go on a second date with him the whole time and I don't like to feel pressured to do something I don't know if I want. When he held my hand, I felt uncomfortable. When he put his arm around me, I wanted to take it off. When he moved on to kiss me during and after the date, I wanted to stop him right there. But I didn't do any of these things because I was trying to move on. And he is a fine boy who for once likes me the way I've been expecting all these years for someone to do it. He bought me flowers, ordered great food, held my hand, looked me in the eye passionately and confessed how he felt about me. He's perfect and I don't know why I'm kept trying to spoil happiness. And up until arriving home last night I convinced myself I would give us that chance. The chance to make things work and feel better. However, once I got home everything changed. It was as if this single moment had triggered and opened a door inside of me to an amount so enormous of feelings and emotions that were so overwhelming and powerful that I felt that I was about to blow at anytime.There was heat running through my entitre body, my heart shrinking, my eyes watered, I had no control of myself.
Now I don't know what to do. I have this amazing guy who likes me the way I feel I deserve but something doesn't feel right and I have this other guy who is confusing and puzzling and I have no idea how he feels but my heart calls for him at every beat. My brain tells me to take this chance to be happy with someone who is willing to make me happy. But my heart tells me that he was taken away from the one I love.
So netheads, what People fail to mention about love is that essentially IT SUCKS. It sucks the hell out of you. Love is about establishing a rhythm with someone. It feels like a choreographed dance. You have to take the right steps. Otherwise, you’re going to fall flat on your face. What people won’t tell you about love is that it can feel too intense. Like it’s going to break your body in half and cause your heart to bleed out. These moments, while amazing, can leave you scared. They can leave you shaken and feeling extra cautious.
People won’t tell you how close love exists to hate. You hate yourself. You hate the person you love. You hate the world for not being on your side. People won’t tell you love that can turn you into someone you don’t want to be. An asshole. Needy. Insecure. It takes a flashlight to your wounds and rips at them. Better cover up real good because when it’s over, everything will be out in the open. Every flaw, every mistake, every moment of anger. It’ll all be there. People won’t tell you that love can be a bastard. It can smack you across the face. It can leave you for dead. You’ll deny that it’s hurting you. You’ll cover up the bruises because you don’t want it to ever be taken away from you.
People won’t tell you that you actually need love. Sure, you can survive without it. You can drown yourself in self-love. You can take cooking classes, distract yourself from the absence of another person’s touch, try knitting, meet random people. But it won’t cure it. It won’t get rid of the fact that you need that someone close to you, someone that makes sense and treats you with kindness. How can you not need this? How can you not crave it every single day you wake up alone?
What People Won’t Tell You About Love is that These are the things about love that we just can’t discuss because there is no explanation for.
Love always but keep your crap together first,
Tommy
"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado
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