My head is a mess.

The issue of attractiveness hits us all. It is an universal desire to feel beautiful for ourselves - when we look at the mirror - or through the eyes of someone we care about. As any other teen, all my life I have struggled about my looks and accepting myself as I am in reality. I think, well I know, that I am fat (and it's not like I don't do anything about it. I exercise a lot. More than most people but I still don't lose all this weight I have no idea how I acquired it since I never was one to eat much). On the good side I do like the fact that my skin is mostly soft, smooth and dark but I hate being this dark. It sucks taking photos and barely seeing yourself on them..My eyes are like weird, I can't quite explain it...they don't help the cause. My fatty arms and legs don't make me look any nicer regardless the amount of fashionable clothing I buy to myself. My face is asymmetrical, weirdly squared and incredibly expresssive so I don't much like it in general. If I were to go on, this post would have at least a 1500 words including mentions to several parts of my body and personality that I despise.
Lately I have been drowning myself on other people's problems so I don't have to face mine. I despise my looks; I can't name a single talent of mine; I can't see a single good feature on my body; I can't mention a single aspect of my personality I find interesting. But the very worst is that I don't even care anymore. I care enough to check my weight - that doesn't escape much from the usual - daily but not beyond it. I don't care about anything else. It's like I neglected the person I think I am and accepted that I'm simply not worthy the trouble. It's sad to say this and obviously the psychologist part of me and I have been working on trying to lift my self esteem and thoughts but so far no meaningful results.

Perhaps this downward spiral is due to spending several nights alone in a house filled with mirrors. Perhaps is due to spending part of Summer in England where there is no such thing as summer. Perhaps is due to problems that keep arising and stress or something else, I don't know...
However what I do know is that depression is starting to get to me heavily. I don't think I have any potential. I know that I should have one. That I might have one, I just can't see it. I believe that through hard work I may not totally fail in life because that's how I got everything I own (nothing has never simply been handed to me. I never found a single penny walking on the streets) but despite my good intentions, I will never excell in anything because I don't have the special tools to do it.

I don't know. On the one side it's so clear to me that I need to accept myself  with every flaw and see my potential in order to someone else do it in the future. And even though I have been trying, really trying, I can't seem quite to see myself any better. 

Love will find a way to bring me back to life,
I wanna believe, I really do.
Love always, 

Tommy

PS. I really hope each and all of you are fine. Happy Sunday :)

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado