You don't have to find out you're dying to start living.

"My closure is being able to get my feelings into these songs so they can have something to remember me by or lean on when I'm gone."

 

There are bad days and there are really bad days. I think we've all been there. There are days in which your life seems even crappier than it is. There are days in which your problems seems like the end of the world. Well, in these days and not only, we have to remember of people like Zack. Zack was diagnosed with a rare form of terminal cancer when he was only fourteen and has been battling against this disease ever since: going through several series of chemoterapy, long stays in the hospital, highly medicated all the time. Last year the doctors told him and his family that things weren't looking any better for him. He, with only seventeen years of age, would have to make the decision of his life - to have a surgery that would take away from him any pleasure or good quality that a person can expect from life ; or to have a few months of an acceptable quality of life with the loved ones. He decided he wanted to live and share his final moments making people around him happy. It's really hard to say final moments when we are talking about a guy who's only eightheen years old. I mean, I have all my life planned ahead of me. Where I want to go. What I want to do. Who I want to meet. What I'd like to experience And as any other teenager/young adult, so did he. He wanted to go college and enjoy his youth. Since his youth was denied, he decided he could still live and cherish every moment. He decided to leave a legacy so others could remember him by the felt words and song he composed named "clouds" that has already been seen by millions of people on youtube. I don't know how it felt to him to write about something as hard as leaving the people he loved in a unpredictable date but while listening to it, for me it sounds a lot like closure and freedom. Not for him but for his family and friends. Like a way of reassuring them that he's not afraid, he will be okay and thusly so should them. I'm contending tears now because it's not only the most beautiful but also the bravest thing someone as young as him  has ever done. Being a teenager is just as hard as it is with the hormones and changes of mood and in the body plus having to face cancer, a disease that has already taken so many lives away, no one could ever blame him if he got really mad with the world and decided to turn his back against it. Knowing myself as I know, I probably would have done it, but he didn't. He turned to his better self. He focused on making people happy by mantaining a positive attitude at all times and enjoying and living his life the best he could. It's so admirable. So inspirational. The song indeed reflects the beautiful person he is.

Netheads, as you may have noticed, except from this last sentence the entire post was written in past tense. Zack Sobiech has passed away a few days ago on May 20th. His funeral was held yesterday with hundreds of people attending it and singing his song clouds. I didn't know it until today, otherwise I would have said something earlier. I've heard this song by accident a few months ago and I was immediately touched by it, by Zack's story. My prayers and thoughts are with his family and friends and Zack, you will most certainly be missed.
The reason why the last sentence portrays a present state is because Zack existance is continuous. He is what he has always been - according to physics - and he will always be between us as long as the last person he touched and inspired, no longer remembers him. I didn't know Zack personally but one cannot stand aloof faced with such an inspiring story. I've been focusing my life so much in the future, what I want to do during university to find the perfect job that I have been forgetting that this is my time to enjoy life. I haven't done anything but to work in order to get something I want in the future and when I finally get it, I don't even appreaciate, I just start focusing on a different goal that I want to achieve. Sometimes all we have is the present and as its name contemplates it's our present to enjoy. I really must start living my life and for this lesson, thank you Zack. You have inspired not only me but many people to start living and enjoying their lives. Your legacy will be tremendously appreciated and live on for eternity. I truly believe you're going up up in the clouds where the views are a little nicer. You'll be missed. Requiescat in pace

Love always,
Tommy





Regarding the second video, I know it's quite a long video but it is worth watching. Please take a few minutes to do it, you won't regret it.  And another detail I would like to highlight is that Zack never mentioned God in any way but he believed in a greater good and for all those people who say that don't believe in anything, I think is a stinky lie. We all have to believe in a greater good, in a greater world, in a greater plan, otherwise our lives is just as meaningless as your beliefs.
You don't have to call it God or Allah. Call it nature instead. Call it Good. Call it whatever you want but believe.

PS. I'm all ready and super excited about this new job I'm starting next week as a fundraiser. I get to talk about all these charities that help families with diseases such as cancer.

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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“The scariest thing about distance is that you don’t know whether they’ll miss you or forget you.”

 

I like the idea of being needed. I've always liked. It always gave me sense of purpose and that's probably why I like to help. I know, it makes me look like a selfish bastard but it's true. I'm selfish. I like to be needed in order to help. So when people don't need my help anymore, it means that they  have forgotten me and my existance has lost its purpose and I think that's my deepest fear. To no longer exist.

Love always,
Tommy

It is a beautiful thing to need and to be needed; love and to be loved.

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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I can't give up now, I'm on the home straight!

May has been an incredibly tiring month. I've been holding everything I have to do and worry about together the best I can, yet some things have slipped away from my attention and hands. I guess you can't just control everything all the time. But you know what? I'm fine. I'm completely fine with it and everything else. My brother going away. Not having proper Summer holidays. Not seeing my family and friends as much as I can. Letting go of feelings. Being on my own almost every minute of every day. I'm fine. I'm sick of trying to run away from everything I'm afraid of. I don't need to be afraid of anything. I know I will be okay.  I've done so much and have suffered so much. I deserve being fine. Actually, I'm proud of myself. Proud for being this bold, for looking out for myself and my future, for going after my dreams all by myself and for sticking with I believe. I've never been this proud of myself. I have several flaws: I'm not the most likeable person; I'm incredibly emotional. I have high expectations for everybody I love and know they can do that and even better; I'm far from being any attractive; Yet, I've done something I'm proud of. Things may not have gone the way I intended all along but no one can't take away from me this contemplation and feeling of achievement. I know I'm still building the life I chose to pursue but I already have put together the first blocks: meaningful friends, a source of income, goals and desires. Now I have to keep doing what I'm doing and building it higher and higher and someday, perhaps, I'll have a place to call home in the Uk too.

 

Love always,

Tommy

 

PS. I'm on the home straight of my exams as well. Almost all done and only one more to go (FRIDAYY). Can't believe it, finally! I'm so exhaust. I had a job interview today, I'll receive some feedback tomorrow *wish me luck* Can't wait to have some real work done ;)

 

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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Stuff Worth Looking At!

Hi y'all!
As promised my new page (blog) is up!  Go check it out! I just posted my first suggestion of stuff worth looking on the web. Let me know what you think of it by selecting your opinion from the header bar! :)

Love always, Tommy

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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I decided to be proactive and to minimize the risk as much I could!

Angelina is such a brave woman. She made a very important decision of being proactive regarding the high chances of one day developing breast cancer and in order to avoid it, she went through a series of procedures that made possible for her to reassure her children that she will there for them for a great part of their lives. She also made a very brave decision of turning it public so that other people know that they can too be proactive and prevent from this illness, who has taken away several lives already. It's an amazing story. A must-read article. Read on the link below.

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/05/14/opinion/my-medical-choice.html?smid=tw-share&_r=0

Love always,
Tommy

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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It is a delicious thing, to write, whether well or badly — to no longer be yourself.

Hi blogger, how's everything with you? Thank you for passing by once more or welcome if it's your first time around Mk. :)

 Today's post is about my lately incapacity to write. Alright, this may sound slightly odd since I'm writing right now and communicating with you quite straight forwardly. What I mean by this is that I haven't been able to find the right words in order to unload my emotional burden. I'm no strange to doing it here on Mk. To tell you guys what is troubling my mind, however lately - more precisely last couple days - as much as for my several tries, I haven't been suceeded.

Writing is not just something I just enjoy doing as a hobby. Writing is the way I tell people the story of my life, is my way of expressing my feelings. While writing, I almost feel like an actress. I leave the person I am and the burden I carry over my shoulders to be the person who tells the story, who puts it on paper so that can be perserved and forever remembered. I'm no expert on this art, several times throughout this blog you may find grammatical errors, some due to my usual lack of attention on details, others to my lack of knowledge. However, I  ever since I created Mk and made an habbit of writing at leats 3 times a week, my writing has improved, both in english and portuguese and I rarely stressed over finding what to write about, how to express myself better or making my writing more fluid and keeping it as clean and realistic as possible. Not that I don't care - I do care. However when I'm writing a post here my major concern is making a point, telling a story. If people understand what I mean, I don't care if I could have done it better. It's mission accomplished for me.

Nevertheless lately, things have been different. I cannot tell you how different because I am still figuring it out. So, what I'll try to do here is to unload my mind and luckily, by the end of this post, I will have my point made, story told and mind unload.

So, I have a lot of things going on my mind: fears, concern, desires, some feelings of sadness, others of happiness, some hope, some despair. As you can see a mixture of feelings one's heart cannot handle all at once. My amigdale is trying to take over me, gain its own life and express my deepest worries in very innapropriate situations. As for instance in a job interview. I had a couple of job intervews last week for the same company and during one of them when the manager started talking about his family and the importance of bringing the best for them every single day, I felt an enormous urge to cry. As if I couldn't control myself... but luckily I did; pretended to have dropped something on the floor and earned enough time to compose myself again. (As regards to the interview, very surprinsingly I got the job... Still haven't figured out how come... I was a completely mess, miles apart from any other candidate... but yeah, I've got a job...my only and big worry is that since is a sales job depending on comissions you make for selling stuff, if  I don't persuase people that the product I'm selling is the best for them, I make no profit and may lose the job very quickly...)

Returning to the emotions subject, another inappropriate situation in which my limbic system was out of control was during my exams. I wanted focus on them but my mind kept barring me with sad thoughts. In one of the exams I almost burst to tears and had nothing to do with it. I manage to finish it, though.

Not everything has been this dramatic. I had a couple of good moments last week with Viktorija . She has been a great friend and honestly and if it wasn't for her, my social life would be resumed to watching my Shelly on the telly. I'm the kind of person who knows people but doesn't relate to them so I have a hard time making friends. And I'n very happy that at least I managed to make one good friend.

I've got some fresh news. Viktorija and I have been talking a lot and since we both are looking for a cheap room to rent in Huddersfield, sort of close to uni and we're friends and girls and happen to attend the same course, we decided we'll start looking for a house in which we can live together, alongside with another friend of her. So this is something I'm really looking forward. The idea of having people waiting for me back at home is almost thrilling. This will not happen up until mid-summer, though and since I'm spending my summer in bloody cold mary England, it's okay.

More good news...My exams are half made, which means that I'm up to the last two. One of them will be this Friday already so may the force be with me. I'm almost done with them and I really hope to pass them all....

Not so good news, my brother's trip is on Friday, 3 days apart. My mind has been on my brother 24/7. I don't like the idea of not having him close and since I came back, which means over a month that I haven't talked to him. I can't do it. I simply can't and now he's almost going and I still can't. I'm horrible sister... I'm horrible person, as matter of fact.

That's probably the reason I don't have many friends and most of the ones I have, when I'm not in Portugal, forget about me. I hate when people tell me they miss me but then they don't do anything about it. When I miss people I want them to know it, I want to reassure them that they can count on me. Again the things with words and lack of action. Even though I write a lot, I'm mostly a person of actions and I just don't take words for guarantee. Actions speak way louder and so far they have said that my friends are forgetting me. They may truly care about me and I don't doubt that, but they are forgetting me and because I'm still too attached to them it's hard on me. I feel like I'm all alone. Distance ruins almost all kind of relationships. So, I'm starting to build new ones. Because apparently the link of my old ones was not strong enough and they are falling apart. What I mean by this is that if I'm not near, that is, in Portugal, I'm almost invisible and even though I never enjoyed visibility, not to be seen by the ones you like is pretty harsh. I don't want to keep writing. Whatever my point was, I think I wrote enough to make it.

I miss my sister, a lot.

I'm not sad, well perhaps now after having writing all this, but I haven't been feeling sad lately. I just feel like I'm another needless dot in the big painting which is the life of the people I most care about.

I hate to be this freaky person who always shows what she's feeling.

 Love always,

Tommy

 

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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5daysleft#

I've got an exam tomorrow... Wish me luck :)

PS. Be thankful for what you have and appreciate the good moments because these are the only things that will sustain you when everything else falls apart.

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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Welcome to the new age, to the new age!

“I searched for God among the Christians and on the Cross and therein I found Him not.
I went into the ancient temples of idolatry; no trace of Him was there.
I entered the mountain cave of Hira and then went as far as Qandhar but God I found not.
With set purpose I fared to the summit of Mount Caucasus and found there only 'anqa's habitation.
Then I directed my search to the Kaaba, the resort of old and young; God was not there even.
Turning to philosophy I inquired about him from ibn Sina but found Him not within his range.
I fared then to the scene of the Prophet's experience of a great divine manifestation only a "two bow-lengths' distance from him" but God was not there even in that exalted court.
Finally, I looked into my own heart and there I saw Him; He was nowhere else.”  Rumi

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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6daysleft#

I always believed that if there was someone who could make him understand and change, that person would be me. I guess I was wrong... and it hurts so much to feel this powerless.



"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE

Hi everyone. This is going to be a very quick post to say that today has been the craziest day ever. I mean everything good and bad has happened. My heart is racing right now like crazy. Okay Okay

I'm so nervous, okay okay In summary, my parents have been pressuring me like crazy to talk to my grandma, which I already did :x and well we're not exactly best buds and ever since our last big fight two months ago, things have been quite strange..; I had a 20-pages long exam. I thought I would never finish it on time. I did but I'm not feeling very confident about it....; I have a job interview tomorrow in the afternoon in which they asked to dress smart. I don't even know what that means. Well I know what it means I just don't think I have anything in my wardrobe smart enough for an interview :(; I'm super late in my studies; I'm running out of cash and bills are almost due and to finish I'm feeling super sick and my hormones are out of control (PMS is real :x).

I'M FREAKING OUT. LIKE FOR REAL.
OKAY OKAY, BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE
"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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*fingerscrossed*

So, a few hours away from my first exam evaluation of this year, I'm feeling weirdly calm.  I still have a considerable amount of things to review which should be an additional stressful element but for some reason, it's not, I'm feeling okay, feeling pretty confident actually (quite an abnormal feeling in me).  This is a good thing and as much as my psychologist side wants to over-analyse it, try to understand the reasons behind this state of mind, for now I'll just enjoy it. My life has been lacking of good natural things to hold on to and this is one, although very small and very simple is good, so I'll just grab on to it with my both hands.
Anyway adorable bloggers, wish me luck! May the force be with me and with anyone else who needs it tomorrow. Neuroanatomy, I'm really falling for you, don't let me down :)

Love always,
Tommy

PS. 11daysleft# My heart is broken....
There's a vacancy for my dream job :o Check it out!

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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“For those who believe, no proof is necessary. For those who don't believe, no proof is possible.”

I'm feeling a bit reggaeish today :D Such a beautiful day outside and listening to reggae is sort of the perfect way of spending the evening. And since I've always been such a great fan of Brazilian music -  love the rhythm, love the dance, love the warmness - hope you all as well enjoy this song. It is, in my opinion, as joyous and welcoming as Spring and Summer.
May you all have a wonderful Sunday :D

Vamos fugir?


love always,
Tommy

PS. On my last night's post I forgot to highlight that May 4th is Star Wars' day. I did know that and I shared it on my Facebook page but completely failed to do it here. With day of delay, Happy Star Wars' Weekend!
May the 4th be with you!

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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Do you dare to dream? ♥

Min 4.50 - Fears of leaving the comfort zone. 

Fear of what will the people say? Feel of failure, feel of ridicule and shame.  You will have to recognize and deal with that. Are you wondering how can you do it? ???

Believe in yourself!!! 

You are the star of your own life. Whatever you don't decide, others will decide for you. By properly managing your fear, your self-esteem will grow. And this will give you a new opportunity to fill your vision of reality.

You will then be able to better choose your objective. To have a clear idea of your dream. To find a “what” that motivates you. Afterwards you will compare your point of departure with your destination and you will easily feel as if shrinking. It is perfectly all right. You will become aware of what you need to learn. It will be useful to recall your origins, your values, your principles and to reflect on your personal mission in life. To help to keep the creative tension and not to give in to the emotional tension, you will want to think about your personal vision. What is beyond that dream? What do you want to reach your dream for? As soon as you trust yourself and your dream; understand why and what are doing it for, the time will have come to take action and leave behind your comfort zone. You will experience the joy of learning to pursue your dreams. You may initially feel hardly competent and vulnerable and think that it’s risky. It’s okay. You don’t know everything. You are human after all. You are learning. Congratulations. You are moving forward towards your dream.  

What you need to begin recovering your sense of competence is to return to your comfort zone.  For the personal resources you certainly have and that being in a hurry, you forgot to use. Take whatever you necessary but be patient with your dream.  Confidence in your goal. Have your strategy well prepared. Be persevering and positive. And sooner than you think your dream will come true. Do you dare to dream?

Source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HhFxQlDPjaY 

PS. Happy Mother's day, mommy!!! I love you loads  ♥ 

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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Being as in love with you as I am

Hello stranger. Hope you're enjoying a good weekend and may you have a good continuation of it. 

Today I want to share a song I really fell in love with the first I heard. It's angels by the xx. 

This song went viral on the internet last year and people have been exposing their interpretations of it and I thought I could give it a try because it means so much to me, it reflects how I fell in love and it is perhaps the most straightforward and earnest declaration of love committed to song. Okay, without further delay. This is how I read this little piece of heaven: 

Overall, I think this song is just about the distinct phases of falling in love with someone (and that's probably why everyone can relate to it)

Phase One: The Meeting

"Light reflects from your shadow

It is more than I thought could exist

You move through the room

Like breathing was easy."

Firstly, you see someone and instantly you become smitten with them. Their every movement is magical. You even get surprised at how much you care about them and how comfortable you feel around them, so soon, so easily.

Phase Two: Getting To Know THEM

"And everyday

I am learning about you

The things that no one else sees

And the end comes too soon"

This describes the process of forming a deep connection with someone despite the cognitive dissonance of knowing that it won't last. You finally get to spend more time with that someone and start learning about them, knowing the things that no one else knows, seeing the things that no one else sees. And all that just makes you fall even more and understand their deeper selves. However, deep down you have that sense of yearning, you know that nothing lasts forever. It's like "dreaming of angels, and leaving without them."

Phase Three: Reciprocity/Commitment

"And with words unspoken

A silent devotion

I know you know what I mean

And the end is unknown

But I think I'm ready

As long as you're with me"

Remember the end of "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" where Joel and Clementine know how their relationship will end but they shrug it off and decide to be together anyway? That's the fear most of us have when we fall in love and are ready to commit to another person, but will it work? Will we hate each other? She's saying "We love each other, the future is scary but I'm okay to go forward as long as I love you as much as you love me."

So, summing up, you fall for someone, you feel like you're finally ready for this relationship but As you get more attached to them, all these doubts pop into your mind. You're afraid it won't last. You're afraid he won't be as in love with you as you are with him. You're afraid they will break your heart into several parts someway somehow. You're afraid they will leave you... they will get bored of you. 
It's that doubt and fear - but also there's hope and willingness to try "And the end is unknown but I think I'm ready; As long as you're with me"

Love always, 

Tommy

PS. Part of me really wants to believe that it's not unrequited love that I'm experience that he is as in love with me as I am with him but everything points out in the opposite direction. It's okay, though. I'm finally feeling like getting over him. I'm finally accepting everything as not meant to be. I'm finally dreaming of finding my true angel :3

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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Wrath of the titans

My adorably lovely awesome enchanting Portuguese football team -Benfica- is at the finals of Europa league after having beaten Fenerbahçe, a Turkish team last night and will play against Chelsea in Amsterdam on 15 May. I mean, people it couldn't be better!!! Benfica is always great against great teams and everybody knows how good Chelsea is so get ready because it's going to be a legendary match!!! I'm so proud of my team and I couldn't be happiear for this amazing year Benfica is having. Sportinguistas and Portistas, you can SUUUCKK IT, bitches! We're on, we're so on it!

Love always,
Tommy

PS.  I cannot wait for it!!! and I'm not one of those girls who pretends to know a lot about football when everybody knows she doesn't. No, I don't know much, but I'm quite enthusiastic about it :D
"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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I've got a right to be wrong, so just leave me alone!

Since day 1 after my holidays in Portugal that I'm having a lot of trouble sleeping and when I do, I have these crazy dreams or nightmares. Either way, most of them involve my lil brother...I think this is all due my preoccupation of my brother's condition. I wish I knew how to fix everything...But I don't. I have my own problems to solve here in England and they are not little, believe me...I can't still find a freaking job and I cannot remain for much longer where I am living at the moment...
Obviously, I don't want to preoccupy my parents or friends, but I'm starting to get worried...I just, I don't know. But guess what? I'm doing my best, giving my best in everything, I may not be excelling in everything that I proposed to do but I'm doing my best and I know that I should be asking for help of my aunties or my grandma, with whom I stopped talking, but I don't want their freaking help, this decision of doing it all by myself may be risky but I don't care. I've got a right to be wrong, so people please leave me THE HELL alone (this goes to my parents! -.- ).
On the good side, my classes for my first year are all done. Can't believe it has been an entire school year already. Just two more to go :D In the mean time, I still have to pass this year and all the 5 exams I have to do this month. Embrace yourselves, May is going to be an insane month!


Love always,
Tommy

I've got a right to be wrong
My mistakes will make me strong
I'm stepping out into the great unknown



So tell me babe
Tell me how I feel
And if the feeling's real
Tell me what's the deal 


PS. I like rock, I like pop-rock and punk rock and mostly all type of rock genres and I think everyone knows that. However, my tastes in music aren't that limited, I also like some pop music, a lot of soul music and jazz and blues - I love blues. And a soul artist that I've always admired is Joss Stone. Her soulful style, barefoot performances and deep voice, everything about her is so simple and felt that one cannot simply dislike it. I don't think I have ever shared any song of her here so it goes peeps. Enjoy and Listen more to Joss Stone. She makes pretty good and dancey music, if you're into that stuff, I think you are going to like it.

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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