Hi blogger, how's everything with you? Thank you for passing by once more or welcome if it's your first time around Mk. :)
Today's post is about my lately incapacity to write. Alright, this may sound slightly odd since I'm writing right now and communicating with you quite straight forwardly. What I mean by this is that I haven't been able to find the right words in order to unload my emotional burden. I'm no strange to doing it here on Mk. To tell you guys what is troubling my mind, however lately - more precisely last couple days - as much as for my several tries, I haven't been suceeded.
Writing is not just something I just enjoy doing as a hobby. Writing is the way I tell people the story of my life, is my way of expressing my feelings. While writing, I almost feel like an actress. I leave the person I am and the burden I carry over my shoulders to be the person who tells the story, who puts it on paper so that can be perserved and forever remembered. I'm no expert on this art, several times throughout this blog you may find grammatical errors, some due to my usual lack of attention on details, others to my lack of knowledge. However, I ever since I created Mk and made an habbit of writing at leats 3 times a week, my writing has improved, both in english and portuguese and I rarely stressed over finding what to write about, how to express myself better or making my writing more fluid and keeping it as clean and realistic as possible. Not that I don't care - I do care. However when I'm writing a post here my major concern is making a point, telling a story. If people understand what I mean, I don't care if I could have done it better. It's mission accomplished for me.
Nevertheless lately, things have been different. I cannot tell you how different because I am still figuring it out. So, what I'll try to do here is to unload my mind and luckily, by the end of this post, I will have my point made, story told and mind unload.
So, I have a lot of things going on my mind: fears, concern, desires, some feelings of sadness, others of happiness, some hope, some despair. As you can see a mixture of feelings one's heart cannot handle all at once. My amigdale is trying to take over me, gain its own life and express my deepest worries in very innapropriate situations. As for instance in a job interview. I had a couple of job intervews last week for the same company and during one of them when the manager started talking about his family and the importance of bringing the best for them every single day, I felt an enormous urge to cry. As if I couldn't control myself... but luckily I did; pretended to have dropped something on the floor and earned enough time to compose myself again. (As regards to the interview, very surprinsingly I got the job... Still haven't figured out how come... I was a completely mess, miles apart from any other candidate... but yeah, I've got a job...my only and big worry is that since is a sales job depending on comissions you make for selling stuff, if I don't persuase people that the product I'm selling is the best for them, I make no profit and may lose the job very quickly...)
Returning to the emotions subject, another inappropriate situation in which my limbic system was out of control was during my exams. I wanted focus on them but my mind kept barring me with sad thoughts. In one of the exams I almost burst to tears and had nothing to do with it. I manage to finish it, though.
Not everything has been this dramatic. I had a couple of good moments last week with Viktorija . She has been a great friend and honestly and if it wasn't for her, my social life would be resumed to watching my Shelly on the telly. I'm the kind of person who knows people but doesn't relate to them so I have a hard time making friends. And I'n very happy that at least I managed to make one good friend.
I've got some fresh news. Viktorija and I have been talking a lot and since we both are looking for a cheap room to rent in Huddersfield, sort of close to uni and we're friends and girls and happen to attend the same course, we decided we'll start looking for a house in which we can live together, alongside with another friend of her. So this is something I'm really looking forward. The idea of having people waiting for me back at home is almost thrilling. This will not happen up until mid-summer, though and since I'm spending my summer in bloody cold mary England, it's okay.
More good news...My exams are half made, which means that I'm up to the last two. One of them will be this Friday already so may the force be with me. I'm almost done with them and I really hope to pass them all....
Not so good news, my brother's trip is on Friday, 3 days apart. My mind has been on my brother 24/7. I don't like the idea of not having him close and since I came back, which means over a month that I haven't talked to him. I can't do it. I simply can't and now he's almost going and I still can't. I'm horrible sister... I'm horrible person, as matter of fact.
That's probably the reason I don't have many friends and most of the ones I have, when I'm not in Portugal, forget about me. I hate when people tell me they miss me but then they don't do anything about it. When I miss people I want them to know it, I want to reassure them that they can count on me. Again the things with words and lack of action. Even though I write a lot, I'm mostly a person of actions and I just don't take words for guarantee. Actions speak way louder and so far they have said that my friends are forgetting me. They may truly care about me and I don't doubt that, but they are forgetting me and because I'm still too attached to them it's hard on me. I feel like I'm all alone. Distance ruins almost all kind of relationships. So, I'm starting to build new ones. Because apparently the link of my old ones was not strong enough and they are falling apart. What I mean by this is that if I'm not near, that is, in Portugal, I'm almost invisible and even though I never enjoyed visibility, not to be seen by the ones you like is pretty harsh. I don't want to keep writing. Whatever my point was, I think I wrote enough to make it.
I miss my sister, a lot.
I'm not sad, well perhaps now after having writing all this, but I haven't been feeling sad lately. I just feel like I'm another needless dot in the big painting which is the life of the people I most care about.
I hate to be this freaky person who always shows what she's feeling.
Love always,
Tommy
"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado
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