Grab the moment ;)

Now, less than 24 hours apart from home, I'm getting cold feet. In the sense that I am leaving my gram who isn't in her best physical condition and getting my hopes high to these Summer holidays that may not meet my expectations. This weird feeling of butterflies in my stomach is due to the existent mind conflict between my expectations and what the future will actually bring.  Additionally, the abscense of my siblings will be very noticeable now home. It won't feel the same. Nevertheless, I will try and make the best of it, focusing on spending time with people who want to spend time with me and most of all, grab the moment and make it as memorable as enjoyable as possible.
Update you all in Portugal, folks
Stay tuned!



love always,
Tommy



"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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A person doesn't have to be perfect to be exacly what you need.

Enjoying the good oldies is something I do very often. I just don't find the same passion in music today that existed in the 70s, 80s and even in the 90s. So here's my playlist for love songs for today. I literally passed through bipolar states (mania and depression) while listening to these :')


It must have been love - Roxette

Listen to your heart - Roxette

Still Loving you - Scorpions

Bed of roses - Bon Jovi

Believe - Cher

The shoop shoop song - Cher

I don't wanna miss a thing - Aerosmith

Falling in love with you - Elvis

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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20 Inappropriate Facts About Me

Hi folks! I feel like we're a family here with us hitting almost 30 000 views worldwide so I decided to make a fun post, exposing 20 innapropriate facts about myself. No one is perfect and I couldn't be farther from perfection. Thereby I thought to myself that you all should know that I am as weird as your creepy neighbour. Here are 20 facts about me which are a bit innapropriate:

1.I love children, in general, but I love them much more when they're crying. I find it the cutest thing in the world to see their face go completely red. So much cuteness! (a bit disturbing, right? bear with me, it'll get worse)

2. I own fake hair. Like 50% of my hair, 50 % of the times is fake, if not more. So I literally carry other people's hair on top of my own head. Yes, you're right, it's absolutely gross but no one should ever have to deal with my natural hair. It cannot be tamed. Try and have it for one day and you'll get me just fine. 

3. My fingernails are like magnets for dirt. I keep cleaning them and washing my hands twice in a hour, but they always find a way to get dirty.  While it isn't a hassle, it is a bit gross to see a girl with dirty nails. 

4. I'm always late. Whether you will ask me on a date or it important meeting to attend. Despite my trials, I always find a way to arrive late (Actually some of my best and worst and moments, happened because I was late.)

5. I am the worst patriot in the world. I mean, till this day, I cheat everytime I sing the Portuguese national anthem. There are a few words I am never sure of, so I just mumble them. (Give me a discount. I was born in country, raised in another and now living in a different. what did you expect?)

6. I eat everything until I get nauseated. When I really want to eat something specific, I'll do everything in my power to eat it as much as I can until get sick of it (which always happens within minutes). 

7.  I can be disorganised but never untidy. So if you see me study, I will have lots of papers on my desk, post it notes everywhere, open books, a real mess but you will never see my room or any of my belongings even slightly dirty. I am a bit of a germophobe so I hate dirt.

8. I am slightly strabismic. My eyes go squint every once in a while and this is very noticeble in pictures. 

9. This one time, on my birthday, when I was 9. My cousin and I were playing karate because we both attended karate classes in school and he hit me hard on the lips so pretty much 'till this day I have a small nodule on my upper lip.

10. I don't like to be alone in my house, so I just keep inviting people to come over my house or finding reasons to be out or I just keep the tv on all day long. 

11. I only own two pairs of jeans. I do have other trousers I use sometimes but denim jeans, I only have two pairs which is crazy for a girl.

12. I hate coffee. The taste of it. The smell of it. Everything about it. So, pretty much I have no reason to compulsively go to Starbucks as the rest of the world.

13. My feet sweat extremely and since they're kind of fatty, it's a nightmare to find pretty shoes to wear. 

14. I forget about everything, everywhere, all the time. I would like to have children of my own some day but I am afraid of what kind of mother I'll become. I'm good with birhdays and dates but everything else from keys to mobiles phones, food in the oven and even clothing, I forget. 

16. I like to see myself just in underwear but I don't like how my body looks like with clothes on. 

17. I don't like to share food with other people. Or personal items. Or even just water. I find it gross. I don't know where their hands have been at so I cannot trust them with my stuff. (I have been obligating myself to do these kind of things but it's still hard. It's totally unnatural to me.)

18. I am slightly agarophobic and claustrophobic which means that I start sweating and trembling as if I am about to be murdered whenever I have to a address to a crowd (more than 5 people) or whenever I find myself alone and get somehow closed in small rooms. Reason why I only have a few friends and only take the lift when I'm way too tired to take the stairs or the floor I'm going to is too high. 

19. I love other people's birthday but I hate mine. I like to prepare events and decorate. I love making gifts and trying to get in the mind of the other person to see what she would like to get and see big smiles when they get it because they weren't expecting it but when it comes to my birthday I just want to be left alone.

20. I am an introvert so I lack of any social ability to interact. If a person doesn't capture my attentions from the first moments, I'll probably won't ever direct myself to them, unless they come to me and ask for my help. 

21. I have a really hard time saying No to people. This feature has led to very embarassing and uncomfortable situations already but I still can't do it. I hate the idea of hurting someone else's feelings.  

22. I never pay attention to details so if you haven't noticed that I skipped number 15 and that I mentioned 21 facts instead, you're just like me. 
 

Ok, bear with me, I know you're a bit disturbed with these revelations but I also hope we're better friends because of this moment of true openness.
Mk is the one place on earth in which my feelings have a voice so I have no need to keep any secrets between us. 
Love always and stay tuned,
Tommy

After hearing all this, I doubt a boy will stick around for second date haha ;) 

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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The only routine with me is no routine at all.

Following a routine can be a big plus in your life. It helps you to go through all important matters of the day without the nerves of overloading with stuff to do on the following day. It can be a major time saver, money saver and sometimes even life saver as you will about to understand along the text. 

I've never been one of to follow a routine. My several attempts to live routinely failed majorly (apparently I'm not one to live a detail-planned life) and throughout the years I have been noticing that the unexpected is a highly common phenomenon in my life. I don't get scared any longer. Now almost mechanically I just give myself a couple minutes to process the information, another couple to analyse it and then another couple to kick off the resolution centre for possible solutions. Having to face England and all these challenges made me tougher. I know have the guts to do what I've want, to dream and try to make them reality because regardless the magnitude of challenges I have faced or may be facing in the future, I know that I can always take control of my life and don't let my future writes itself by its own. I'm not saying all this for no particular reason. You see, these last couple days have been crazy.

It all started last night when I went out with a group of workmates of mine. My intention was only to have dinner with them and later come back home. Surprise was mine when I got into the meeting point, expecting a restaurant and finding a pub instead. In a pub they indeed serve food but nothing eatable for a person as myself (a bit picky with food...) but the real problem I saw in it was the likelihood that everybody got drunk, kept drinking non-stop and smoking like it was the end of their lives and myself being left alone having to pretend to have fun (we all know, I suck at acting). However once there (and since they've already seen me), I couldn't simply leave. The group I was expecting was about 12 people with whom I used to work, but once there I noticed some fresh faces (two girlfriends of ex-colleagues and one guy I think it was working in the company and left before I got hired). The evening was overall a disaster. I stayed up until midnight and the guys behaved themselves well up until eleven because of the presence of so many females in the table but once all that vodka, Heineken, Smirnoff, Brandi and whatever else they were drinking got into their bloodstream, they all went mental. Specially the girls. One literally started stripping. One laughing like a horse and the guys just enjoying the show. One of the guys, one that never seemed to like me very much, even though he only saw me drinking sprite all night long, assumed I would actually go for him which was a problem since that guy who I went on a date with a while ago, who was also there and bloody drunk. They almost started fighting but the other guys (two who didn't seem much drunk and still aware, stop them before things got nastier). Anyhow, that was the bottom line for me because I left right. Being very honest, weirdly, part of me felt flattered (I've been feeling pretty down about my looks lately and seeing two guys almost fighting because of me, made me feel a bit better. Just a tiny bit because since they were both really drunk, anythng could have been matter of discussion). But mostly, I felt life threatened, scared and incredibly sure that isn't the type of environment or people I wanted to be around. I'm nothing like them. I also deleted that other guy's phone number and I'm not taking more his calls. I'm sure there is someone out there for me who will be there to protect me sober. I don't need this crap.  

On the following day, I had to wake up with the chickens which was tough as I arrived home at 1 in the morning, to take my gram to a medical appointment. She's been sick for a while now and the blood tests and MRI results have finally come through. So we went to see the doctor to discuss them. The doctor pretty much said that the illness she carries has no cure and they can only prescribe some pain killers to relieve the pain. Of course these aren't good news and I sort of just said 'gram you need to go Portugal to have a real medical appointment. I don't trust these doctors' because that is the truth and the only thing I brought myself to say. Anyhow, she'll be doing that once I come back from my holidays (someone needs to stick around to look after uncle.)

New things rising up didn't end up here. Later today, I took the bus to city centre and I sat where I always sit, which is in the upper floor, on the first row of seats (I like the view from up there). After 10 minutes on the bus while I was listening to music and enjoying the country view, suddenly a dog crosses an intersection running and the bus driver is obligated to make an emergency stop in order not ran over it. Because of my location and lack of protection, I completely splashed against the glass. Everyone gathered around me, including the driver to check if I was okay. I literally flew from my seat to the glass big window. Saved by my forehead who dented my landing. I am fine though. Didn't even got injured, just a head ache as you can imagine. Everybody was also checking each others out which something very nice to see. I've always seen British as cold people and certainly today, they have showed me, their warmer side.

The problems stopped here gladly. I couldn't take anything else today - a bit of overwhelming 48 hours I had as you can see.

Anyhow, I'm fine and counting down the days to come back home. My trip back is now due on next Wednesday, July 31st. I couldn't be happier. I can't wait to be home with my family and hang out with my best friend. I may even perhaps go on a 4 days trip to Algarve with my cousin. She wants me to be her 'wing-woman' (how I met your mother fans will get it) and since I would really appreciate some freshness in my life, this might a fun adventure to be part of. We'll see.

I'm off to bed now bloggers.

Thanks for your patience to read my unloading

Will you still love me
When I got nothing but my aching soul?

Love always,

Tommy

PS. Those videos on YouTube where people show how to make some crafty work, it makes everything look much simpler than it actually is, right? or am I just really bad at it (very likely)?

Lana has grown on me. I learned to like her very slowly right after the initial fever (everyone was talking about her songs in a bout 2 years ago. you must remember) have passed away. Now, after some time listening to her music I think she is terrific performer and amazing singer. Do you agree?

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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I dream of a place called home.

Hi netheads! What's up?

Hope you had a nice weekend and may you all enjoy a nice week. 

Well, as regards to my previous post. I would like to apologise for it. Well, because I sound somewhat ungrateful. There are so many people in the world with so much less than me and I just complain. I really should learn how to get over myself. And I also know that although, I terribly miss my siblings (the idea of coming home and not seeing them is devasting...), they're always with me all the way through, whenever, wherever, whatever and forever. Furthermore, I have my mom and dad, my cousin and my best friends who are going to be there to see and spend time with me. :)

My life isn't bad. I just have to get over myself and understand that there is life beyond my personal crisis. There are a lot more interesting things in my life to focus on. I guess I was feeling down because I've been tired, stressed and really busy. So my judgment wasn't its best days yesterday.

Anyhow, I'm fine, as always. Focusing on one day at a time and being thankful for what I have instead of sad for what I don't. 

Moving on, I'm a big fan of Brandi Carlile and I guess any follower of this blog must have noticed that already.  Whether she's covering a song or had written it, everything she sings has simply that magical atmosphere and very peculiar sound that one cannot simply not fall for it. In my opinion, this is a great debut of an incredible song by Kim Richie to which I relate deeply. 

I think that's all for tonight, folks. 

It's not hard to see, anyone who looks at me

Knows I am just rollung stone

Never landed any place to call my own

To call my own

Love always, 

Tommy

PS. The Carlile family is so talented! So much talent together, you should check some videos on youtube of Brandi singing with her mother as well xx

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My head is a mess.

The issue of attractiveness hits us all. It is an universal desire to feel beautiful for ourselves - when we look at the mirror - or through the eyes of someone we care about. As any other teen, all my life I have struggled about my looks and accepting myself as I am in reality. I think, well I know, that I am fat (and it's not like I don't do anything about it. I exercise a lot. More than most people but I still don't lose all this weight I have no idea how I acquired it since I never was one to eat much). On the good side I do like the fact that my skin is mostly soft, smooth and dark but I hate being this dark. It sucks taking photos and barely seeing yourself on them..My eyes are like weird, I can't quite explain it...they don't help the cause. My fatty arms and legs don't make me look any nicer regardless the amount of fashionable clothing I buy to myself. My face is asymmetrical, weirdly squared and incredibly expresssive so I don't much like it in general. If I were to go on, this post would have at least a 1500 words including mentions to several parts of my body and personality that I despise.
Lately I have been drowning myself on other people's problems so I don't have to face mine. I despise my looks; I can't name a single talent of mine; I can't see a single good feature on my body; I can't mention a single aspect of my personality I find interesting. But the very worst is that I don't even care anymore. I care enough to check my weight - that doesn't escape much from the usual - daily but not beyond it. I don't care about anything else. It's like I neglected the person I think I am and accepted that I'm simply not worthy the trouble. It's sad to say this and obviously the psychologist part of me and I have been working on trying to lift my self esteem and thoughts but so far no meaningful results.

Perhaps this downward spiral is due to spending several nights alone in a house filled with mirrors. Perhaps is due to spending part of Summer in England where there is no such thing as summer. Perhaps is due to problems that keep arising and stress or something else, I don't know...
However what I do know is that depression is starting to get to me heavily. I don't think I have any potential. I know that I should have one. That I might have one, I just can't see it. I believe that through hard work I may not totally fail in life because that's how I got everything I own (nothing has never simply been handed to me. I never found a single penny walking on the streets) but despite my good intentions, I will never excell in anything because I don't have the special tools to do it.

I don't know. On the one side it's so clear to me that I need to accept myself  with every flaw and see my potential in order to someone else do it in the future. And even though I have been trying, really trying, I can't seem quite to see myself any better. 

Love will find a way to bring me back to life,
I wanna believe, I really do.
Love always, 

Tommy

PS. I really hope each and all of you are fine. Happy Sunday :)

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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It's the wrong kind of time to be thinking of you - The end.

January 2011

After all they've been through, they couldn't expect a better end. It was it. No more running. No more hiding. No more lying. It was the end of everything they knew... including them. 

I guess in the end things work out the way they're meant to be. You seldom get what you want because if you did, you'd ended up missing something that you really needed. 
I'm not one of those fellas who rely much on fate but I do believe it rules part of your life. Sometimes, fate is on your side and everything goes as you wish but most of times, well, most of times, you’ve kind of settle on your own destiny by taking control of your life. 
In one way or another, no matter how it ends up to be, in the end it will always be about the chances you taken, because regardless what they put you through, that make up who you are as a person and that's the only thing you take away with you.

Ivy last thought was something happy. She thought how good it was to be with him one last time. To be laid out with him like a Queen on the silence they now own. Her life was vanishing through her thin and tired fingers and even though she was in immeasurable pain, she still thought of him. It was the wrong kind of time to be thinking of him.

Dave very last thought is still unknown. Certainly people 'till this day remember him as hero. Certainly people 'till this day leave flowers at his grave. And above certainty and doubt, he was surely the happiest corpse I've ever seen.

I will always remember Ivy Anne Twaine. Her manic side. Her depressive side. Her crazy adventurous side. She died the person she always craved to be. Her living memory is with me and only me. No one else remembers her. No one else was her but me.

"Be of good cheer. The hour of your deliverance will come.

The soul of freedom is deathless.

It cannot and will not perish"

Winston Churchill

The end.

© 2013 Tomazia Galhardo

But I'd be yours if you'd be mine


Love always,
Tommy

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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It's the wrong kind of time to be thinking of you - The story.

Hello people! I come among you today to share a short summer tale I started writing today. I have always enjoyed writing short stories during Summer and unfortunately last year I was too busy trying to get into uni that I didn't do it. So since I have the time this year I will definitely try to overcompensate last year faulty ;)  Below it is an unrevised draft of what I've written so far, which is not much. I'll keep you guys updated with my work here. Nice week y'all

Love always, 

Tommy

It was something as random as a short bus journey that brought them together. It wasn't love at first sight. Instead a single moment in which she realised that guy who nothing she saw once might be the guy who she always dreamt about.

I’m sorry if somehow I misled you and passed the wrong impression but this is not a love story. No such thing as a happy ending will come out of this. This a tale of two lonesome and despite young, very old souls who accidentally have met each other and now had to face chaos in order to survive. My only job here is to report the events that preceded it.

September 10th, 2009.

If once there was golden days, 2009 was the year where it all started. Everything was finally coming together. 
Her name was Ivy Anne Twaine. She did not much like it and never really understood it. She liked to think of herself as an ordinary child of the nineties but God knew she was different. The second daughter of a once happy and now divorced couple; a random and lousy member of a very large and controversial family; sort of an introvert, although I don’t quite know how she might qualify in and a cheerful supporter of day dreamers.

If I were to describe her that is what I would say. I don’t think you need to know more and very honestly I don't think she would like it.

Ivy lived several lives in several places. Hung on one or two buddies to get her through each of them - being myself one of them. The year she met him was the very first year she felt she belonged.

She was about to be sixteen - oh that marvellous age. The freedom of being able to ride your own vehicle and disappear to Neverland...Ivy couldn't wait for it and that year she felt such would be possible. Her family and she had just moved to a brand new house at a very charming neighborhood. They were all very happy. After all they’ve been through as a family, to finally possess a beautiful house with a flourished garden and a fancy car they could call their own was a victory.  

It was a new place but the same old rules applied and Ivy mastered them as only a psychopath would. Her brain was configured to operate standardly well to go through all social situations: present herself the best she could without revealing much to the curious fellas who came around the investigate the new bee; don't mind those occasional obnoxious looks and wondering faces toward her person that were exclusively owed to the dark point in the white matter that she was now seen as; and both smile and intimidate, you should never be too nice, she repeated compulsively, people will take advantage of you. 

He, on the other hand, was remarkable. Named David Usborne Jr. after his grandfather - a celebrity of the 60s. A bright and handsome young man who was way too good for her, as she'd say. He had the perfect life and the best friends in the world, or so he thought, before meeting her. He felt nothing missing until nothing became the whole that turned his entire life upside down. 

All of this happened, more or less, like this.

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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It's the wrong kind of time to be thinking of you...

How I would like to enjoy a glass full of red wine. Taste it, enjoy it, no background story.
How I would like to sit back and enjoy a nice movie beside you. Delight myself, no strings attached, no commitment required, no tears shed.
How I would like to enjoy the nice summer breeze travelling slowing through all pores of my skin. Feel it in the moment, no expectations, no desire for more.
How I would like logic to make sense...Me plus you equaling happiness, me less you without equaling equilibrium, not craving for your touch.
How I would like to be that person for once... the one who knows what is going when nobody's there.
How I would like to step a little closer to the edge, regale the beautiful view... See the world beneath me, not fear it, not fall into it.

I'm sorry if you don't understand where all this is coming from. I'm sorry if you just stumble into me and I'm not giving you the opportunity to know the better me. They say home is where the heart is. Well mine is divided into pieces, separated by the wind. Where to go now?

Love always,
Tommy

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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You just know that you just don't know.

I don't know. I just don't know what to know, where to go, whom believe or whether to stay or leave. I've never felt this lost. I've never felt this left out. Surrounded by sharks, swimming for my survival.
I don't know what is going on. I've been here before. I'm no mewbie. I'm stronger than this. I know I am. That's why I'll remain strong for everybody because it's my job. I just need this moment. 5 minutes of unloading on this very spot and I'll come back to my run.
They taught me to turn right, but when no right is left on the right side, what else to do but turn left? Whether to turn left is the right decision is something I don't know, but soon enough will find out.



Love always,
Tommy

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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Can you feel the love tonight?

People have called me naive my entire life and secretly I always thought they were wrong and my experience was wider than they could imagine. However no. I am naive, not because of lack of experience. Because I will always be that silly and naive girl who no matter how many times disappointed with humanity will always have faith in it. I always saw humanity with clean eyes, regardless the heavy dust thrown to my eyes. There so much sickness that doesn't involve disease. So much filth, unnecessary jealousy for their brothers and sisters. People are mean to each other for no reason...
All my life I've tried deny to myself that religious people were as faulty as the rest of world but they tried harder to be better. All my life I told that to myself with hope to be right in the end. Truth be told, even though I do know angels of God, most religious people I know are really mean. The more I know them, the less close I want to be. My faith in religion is fading away as each day passes. The best people I know are atheists or agnostics (though I don't quite think it is possible to be an agnostic an entire life and remain on the fence) and the worst I've seen of humanity are people gentically close to me and practioners of christianity. Christians have such a dirty and judgmental mind; snooping on their brothers and sisters' lives with ulterior intentions of undermining them, take their value as people away. I don't want to become that person as well. I believe in God, I have and will never question my faith but I'm not sure if I believe in religions anymore. I do think that mormonism has less of that bad aura most religions carry across the streets but it still has remains of it. I cannot understand how can people read a book as pure as the bible and go out and do bad things regardless what they have just learned and claim to believe.  

Every blood related familiar I have are religious and they all hate each other (except from my family, we're different from them because we've always kept our distance). Brothers hating sisters...how can one conceive such? I love my siblings so much that I'm certain I'd give my life for them. But these people would de stroy an eternal bond because of an argument, because of money.It is so sad to watch this befront my eyes. It saddens me. I don't want to be close to that anymore. It sickens my soul. 

Why can't we all just get along and love each other. Not for religion, not even for god. For ourselves. For the love we have felt and shared someday...

Home is where the heart is, 

Love always, 

Tommy

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to.

Hello bloggers and Hello July! I know I've been quite absent lately and especially throughout June but I pinky promise you will see more of me during July. 

This is going to be be a quick update post, in order to make a quick register of the lastest events in my life. So, per order, I'm officially done with my very first year of university in the UK. My final grades were just released in about three weeks ago and I was so astonished and happy with them. I've worked really hard for them so it is rewarding to see a good results coming out of this. So, I'm ticking my first box on my checklist for university regarding my 1st year and soon enough I'll be done with this degree; Can't wait for it :)

Also, I got myself a new guitar. I've wanted to buy originally an 88 key yamaha keyboard but as much as I stretched my available budget, truth be told, I couldn't just afford it. So, I went for an acoustic guitar instead. I've always secretly desired one and I'm always keen for a challenge, so playing the guitar from scratch no previously (as opposite from piano) experience might be just it. 

To finish, this last update is not the most interesting one but it makes me happy to say that a glimpse of Summer has finally arrived to North England. I can finally see the sun uncovered by the usually heavy clouds in a beautiful clear sunny day (it's still a bit windy, but c'mon it's england, if you get this much, keep your mouth shut and accept it :p ).

Well, these were the updates. Now regarding my personal dramas.
Firstly, don't mind my latest post. I was in a very depressive downwards spiral with confusion and tiredness boarding all over me. I'm feeling a bit better regarding the subject that put me on it for starters but I'm still unbalanced. I'm feeling scared and unstable. I truly miss my siblings and the thought that we're all in different continents - ocean apart, it kills me because we're really close to each others. And to worsen it, I had this awful nightmare about my parents tonight. So, I'm all shaken up.

I don't regret being with someone I have no feelings for even though I wouldn't have done it in the past - I've always been very emotioanlly connected to people and easily hurt. So I guess I was just trying to make statement here..that I can be too the other person, who doesn't care and it still goes for it. I feel a bad however...not much for him because you know, he'll get what he wants for anyone other girl he may fancy, but for me, for pushing myself to be this senseless person I'm not ( but would love to, feelings are exhausting).

Another issue. I'm super jealous of pretty much everyone who's enjoying their summers because I have no clue when I'll be enjoying mine. I have these entanglements going on here in the UK, problems after problems to fix but no easy answer to any...I'm clueless when I'll be able to come back home, I'll keeping throwing date in the air to everyone who asks me and checking every hour or so the airtickets. I also don't know, in case I go, how long I'll be staying... I see everyone making plans for the Summer. Hanging out with their frineds and family while I'm here away, far from everyone both physical and emotionally. I wonder if even when I'm in Portugal my friends will want to hang out with me because they don't seem to want much and I won't blame them because I'm not exactly that likeable and interesting as a person.

So, while everyone will have their cool trips, boyfriend and girlfriend, family and best friends, parties and festivals' photos posted on their facebook timeline, I will have the same lame old me.

Love always, 

Tommy

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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What people won't tell you about love...

Fernando Pessoa was a Portuguese poet whose sensibility and madness overcame the understanding of most plebeian minds. He once said that art (literature) must be a result of imagination. That is to say that when you feel a real pain, you should never print into real words if you desire to achieve some art from it. Instead, you must get over it and later narrate with fictional feelings and a mind full of imagination. 

To achieve art you must leave the self you and elevate yourself to higher level of artistic self. 

And I couldn't be more in agreement with him. 

The reason I'm saying all this is because of last night. 

Last night was one of the longest nights of my life. I was feeling so overwhelmed with feelings brought back to life inside of me that the only thing I desired was to write in order to swipe them far away from me. However I was stuck. I had no words inside of me, just nameless feelings. I was unable to transport any feelings into my words. I was trapped inside of my own overwhelming self and about to blow any time soon. . 

Let me tell you this story from the top, I was in love with this guy for ages and I tried to make it work several times but one cannot make a two-people relationship work, as you must assume. So, I decided to make one last strike. Try one last time when I went on holidays back home during spring break. It didn't work. I mean, it did work in some level but not in the way I expected, not in the way I felt I deserved. So, I got tired of trying with no sucessful answer and vowed to myself that I would move on. It was really hard for me this time because it was for real. I had no remain hopes. I was hurt. Really hurt and I couldn't even blame him because he had no idea what I was going through. So, I just shut all kind of feelings I had for him inside of me so that I didn't have to feel this bad ever again and told myself everything was product of my kinky imagination so I should just move on.

Ever since I've been trying really hardly to do it. To forget someone is as hard as loving them and in the past the only way I've ever got throught it was by meeting someone new (You can only achieve better by trying something new, right?). So I accepted to go on a date with this co-worker guy I had no feelings for besides attraction (he's indeed good-looking). 

He was a really good companion the whole date, very charming and really respectful most of time (except when he brought me back home. He kissed me and tried to make his way into my house). He even bought me flowers and no one had ever got me flowers. Everything seemed to be hitting off and things were going smoothly and looking good but the entire time I felt as if something was missing, even when he kissed me (which he tried to do every 10 minutes or so...). I'm not complaining. He's a fine kisser, I don't even know if I'm any good myself. He seemed to have enjoyed so, I assume I'm not bad. But the whole date I was trying so hard to be present, to want him the way I felt he wanted me. The problem wasn't attraction, it was about a missing connection. Everything with him felt so physical. So lack of emotional proximity. Plus he also kept on pressuring to go on a second date with him the whole time and I don't like to feel pressured to do something I don't know if I want. When he held my hand, I felt uncomfortable. When he put his arm around me, I wanted to take it off. When he moved on to kiss me during and after the date, I wanted to stop him right there. But I didn't do any of these things because I was trying to move on. And he is a fine boy who for once likes me the way I've been expecting all these years for someone to do it. He bought me flowers, ordered great food, held my hand, looked me in the eye passionately and confessed how he felt about me. He's perfect and I don't know why I'm kept trying to spoil happiness. And up until arriving home last night I convinced myself I would give us that chance. The chance to make things work and feel better. However, once I got home everything changed. It was as if this single moment had triggered and opened a door inside of me to an amount so enormous of feelings and emotions that were so overwhelming and powerful that I felt that I was about to blow at anytime.There was heat running through my entitre body, my heart shrinking, my eyes watered, I had no control of myself.

Now I don't know what to do. I have this amazing guy who likes me the way I feel I deserve but something doesn't feel right and I have this other guy who is confusing and puzzling and I have no idea how he feels but my heart calls for him at every beat. My brain tells me to take this chance to be happy with someone who is willing to make me happy. But my heart tells me that he was taken away from the one I love.

So netheads, what People fail to mention about love is that essentially IT SUCKS. It sucks the hell out of you. Love is about establishing a rhythm with someone. It feels like a choreographed dance. You have to take the right steps. Otherwise, you’re going to fall flat on your face. What people won’t tell you about love is that it can feel too intense. Like it’s going to break your body in half and cause your heart to bleed out. These moments, while amazing, can leave you scared. They can leave you shaken and feeling extra cautious. 

People won’t tell you how close love exists to hate. You hate yourself. You hate the person you love. You hate the world for not being on your side. People won’t tell you love that can turn you into someone you don’t want to be. An asshole. Needy. Insecure. It takes a flashlight to your wounds and rips at them. Better cover up real good because when it’s over, everything will be out in the open. Every flaw, every mistake, every moment of anger. It’ll all be there. People won’t tell you that love can be a bastard. It can smack you across the face. It can leave you for dead. You’ll deny that it’s hurting you. You’ll cover up the bruises because you don’t want it to ever be taken away from you.

People won’t tell you that you actually need love. Sure, you can survive without it. You can drown yourself in self-love. You can take cooking classes, distract yourself from the absence of another person’s touch, try knitting, meet random people. But it won’t cure it. It won’t get rid of the fact that you need that someone close to you, someone that makes sense and treats you with kindness. How can you not need this? How can you not crave it every single day you wake up alone?

What People Won’t Tell You About Love is that These are the things about love that we just can’t discuss because there is no explanation for. 

Love always but keep your crap together first, 

Tommy

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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