Crazy headache; last ten days in my homeland

 So, everybody, Happy Easter!!! Hope you're all having a good time with your families and may you all remember that Jesus Christ has faced and overcame the biggest challenge someone has ever been asked to in life. Thereby, whether you assume you believe or do not believe in Him, remember that you as well can overcome any challenge in life and that you will never be asked to suffer as much as Christ did because He did in order for you not to suffer as much. I'm thankful for all the knowledge I have about Christ and His perfect life and today I'm specially very thankful today for knowing that He is my savior and my big brother and He loves me very much and I can regret my sins because He allowed me to do.
Moving on, The countdown to come back to the UK has started. To come back to my life, problems, studies but most of all, to my future.
I think, this time I may be able to really focus in staying there instead of having my mind in Portugal, because I have my family here and a few friends I'm really close with and it has been really hard not to think about coming back since the day one, the day I arrive. Nevertheless this time, I feel like it is going to be different. My attachement to Portugal is getting weaker and weaker, my plans abroad are getting stronger and stronger. I love my family and friends who are in Portugal but it's time to create a new life, in which, I allow myself to have new friends and family in the UK, as well. They don't need me anymore, I'm no longer essential, it's my time to go and for the first time I think I am ready to do so.
I've been thinking a lot and walking a lot too this past week and I've come to the conclusion that if I just keep walking and pushing a little further, I'll make it in the UK too. Emotions at my age can be very overwhelming and creating this new Me hasn't been easy, but I am ready to make it possible now.
I decided not to private Mk anymore. I don't need that time after all. I'm okay.

Love always,
Happy Easter!!!
Tommy

PS. First thing, it's the last day of March, can't believe it. Let's hope April will get easy on us. Check my previous post. I've never done something similar. I just woke up this morning and started writing.

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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I'm a ghost!

People classify ghosts as parts of people's soul who wanders around with no destiny, no point. Unable to move on from the life they had before. Unable to get rid off the feelings they carry inside. Unable to forgive and accept changes. Looking out for the ones they love but never being able to really interfere in their lives. Powerless, overwhelming creatures stuck in a reality they no longer belong to.
It's eight in the morning, I'm late. I get ready to go out, wearing the clothes I wore some time ago, doing the things I always do. No ones is home.
As I leave my house, I see the people I always see. Not really seeing them or feeling them. I just go through them. I see a child, she looks so sad. I think she lost her mommy. I go in her direction, I want to help her. She starts running away. Why is she running? I follow her. She is stopping now. She sees someone. Is she finally seeing me? I wave at her, ask her to stop and if I can help her. She doesn't answer me back. She sees someone else. It's a man. He's coming to her. He was following her all way through. He's offering her stuff. I can see she doesn't want them. I shout at her "do not get in his car!". She doesn't listen me. She doesn't see me. No one sees me. I'm invisible.
I woke up again. It's night time. I can hear the sounds of someone crying. I'm eight years old. I think. I think is my mom crying. I can recognize her voice. Why is my mom crying? I don't understand. I go to her bedroom, I see her. She is in really bad shape. She looks sick and tired. She seems older like granny. I lay in her bed, right close to her. I whisper to her ear: "Mommy, mommy, are you crying?" She doesn't answer me back. I ask again. "Mommy, Mommy, why are you crying? Did I do something wrong?" She doesn't answer me again. I try to hug her. I can't do it. Why can't I hug mommy? She doesn't see me. Why does not mommy see me? I start screaming "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, I'm here!" " Mommy mommy, I'm scared. Mommy, mommy, help me." She remains still, crying, tired, looking at my picture. I can see the tears falling out of bed from overly wet sheets.
I woke up again. It's dark. It's really dark. I don't understand why is so dark. It should be morning by now. I don't see anyone. I know this place. I think I've been here before. When was it? I don't remember. I see someone. She looks a lot like me. I see someone else. She looks a lot like me too but younger. I see something. I can't see what that is. It's a weird shape. I cannot recognize it. It's following my moves like a mirror. It looks like my reflection staring back to me. But I am not the person who is reflection. I'm afraid. I don't see anybody. I feel shivers going down my spine. My heart is racing. I can't move my legs. I'm stuck. I can no longer see myself. The reflection is fading away.
I wake up. Where am I? It's my bedroom but it looks so different. I can hear mommy again. She is talking to someone. I see a young guy in his twenties. He kissed mommy in her mouth. I see my two brothers. I wave at them. They don't see but they look happy. I see my high school boyfriend. He looks older. He's with someone else. He looks happy. I start crying. I start crying really hard. I still love him, I can feel it. I love him so much. I see my grandparents pictures on the wall. Why are they not here? I feel tired. I close my eyes. I open my eyes. I can no longer see anything. Where am I?

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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Holy Good Friday, y'all! :)

Okay, so, uhmn. I decided to private MK for a while. Sometimes I forget that people actually read it and I'm needing some privacy and freedom to share my thoughts without having to worry that someone I know may actually be reading it. So yeah. I'll be privatizing MK for a while, not right away. Firstly, I wanted to wish you all a sweet and happy Easter and take this long weekend of Easter as an opportunity to share my beliefs. If you're chirstian, remember Christ sacrifice for us. Remember that nothing we will suffer in life and as hard as it may look like, will never even be as comparable to what Christ has suffered for all of us. Remember that even in such situation, Christ did not wish bad for the ones who were hurting, Christ ask his father to forgive them because they did not what they were doing. Remember that we can always try to be like him too, follow his footprints. Believe in people, believe in life and believe in fulfilling your destiny. In seasons as such, I always feel closer to God and his beloved Son. I always feel closer to my beliefs and to the gospel. Life is hard, challenges are plenty but we are stronger. We will never have a challenge that we will not be able to overcome.
On the other hand, dor those who believe in a different religion, remember your beliefs and treasure your family and for thosos who do not believe in anything - I find it quite hard to believe that there are people who do not to believe in anything. There must be something you believe in. Life with no beliefs is a life with no direction, with no higher hopes. Anyhow, think of this season as a opportunity to gather your family and spend some quality time with them while eating some tasty fish plates and sweeties, plenty of sweeties.
May you all have a holy Good Friday.
I'm thinking of turning MK private on Monday and probably it will remain in such ways for a couple of weeks or a month - pretty much during the time I will need to open a brand new page of my life. I still have a few thoughts about this season that I'd love to share to the world, so STAY TUNED! and Happy Good Friday :D :D

Larger than lifesize we become 
Larger than lifesize we become 
Great in the eyes of someone


Love always,
Tommy


"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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Tears in heaven... I must be strong and carry on.

I'm sure most of you have already, at least, heard about this song by Eric Clapton - tears in heaven. His songs are pure heaven, beyond beautiful. This particular one is such a sad story. Clapton lost his preschool baby in such a young age due an accident. I cannot even start to understand how painful is something like this. So, as a way a coping with this unmeasurable pain, he made this outstanding song, which talks about his desire of being reunited with his kid when he dies and goes to heaven. Since his kid was so young, three or four years, he's not sure if he will be able to recognize his daddy but he hopes he does so.
I mean, in my opinion, tears in heaven is one of the most beautiful songs ever. I love music, but well everybody does so, just listen and you will agree with me. Check the video below.



Love always,
Tommy

PS. It's been a while I don't make such a random post. About something I just happen to love and makes me happy.
 
"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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Dear No one, please find some time to see me!

I think I've come to a point that I feel so lonely that I actually trust more in the advices I read on the internet than from anyone else. Because the internet is every day there for me in the weirdest possible way and none of my friends are. Internet does not judge me, I can google whatever I want and I will actually find interesting answers from people with similar issues, HOWEVER if  I ask a friend, he may judge me, why am I worried with such type of things, that's foolish. Anyway, yesterday I was watching the sisterhood of the traveling pants (I don't know if you have ever watched it but if you happen to have some time to burn, I'd say: go for it) and the group of best friends have this amazing connection since their mothers were pregnant of them and as teenagers, last year high school students, they found this magic pants which weirdly fits the four of them, so they have decided to share custody and during summer vacation, since they were going to be apart and in different locations, so each of them would stay with the pants for a week and then post to a different one. Anyway, my point is, what was really interesting for me was that even though they were apart their friendship did not suffer and they always had for each other dramas. Let's say for instance one of them would be go to university far from home, in a different country, when she was back home, they all would surprise her and spend all time together like sisters and remind her of the valuable things she will always have when she comes back home. The important haven't changed just because they're no longer at the same school or country. These sisterhood has no boundaries. That's what I have always dreamt to have but never achieved in all my friendship. I have some good friendships but it always looks like everything else is way more important than me to my friends. There hasn't been a time I came to Portugal and all my friends which are not a lot, found time to see me. Like real time. Not a night or an hour. Like real time for the real friendship I think we have. I'm sick of waiting for them to find a free spot in their busy calendar when I'm sure I would give them almost my entire time. Because after, I traveled several miles just to be with them and none of them sees it.
Anyway, I really should try to find some new friendships. These are not working. I need more from them, from everybody. Perhaps I'm asking too much of them, perhaps I have very high standards of friendships and it's why I cannot be satisfied with the little time they give to me, perhaps I should just accept this online friendship but for god's sake, I am not asking much. Just time, is it too much? I've been doing these trips back and forward to Portugal for a while now and every time I'm home, which are always during holidays, what supposedly would be the best time for everyone, NO ONE, NO ONE, can seem to find time to see me properly.

Love always,
Tommy


"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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Ok, Do you want something simple?

Everything has an end. Sometimes it is just the end of a specific time of your life, of a phase you went through. There is no easy way to understand the end. It's for best. Perhaps you need this end in order to have a better start tomorrow. It won't be easy.  Nobody said it will be easy but you will survive.

I don't know about you but I'm ending this now. I deserve more than I'm getting. This isn't fair for me. You're a wonderful person, I idolize you, you know that, don't you? That's part of the reason why this is all so hard for me. However I can no longer leave the door open. I need more of you. You cannot give me that much, I understand it now. So, now I need you to understand what I am doing here. I am moving on, from you, from us, from all we were.
I wish you the best and only the best. You'll achieve greatness in your life, I know it, but I was never part of it, at least not the way I wanted to be. You were never meant for me and I was never meant for you. You'll find someone, someday, that you will love the way I love you and you'll understand how beautiful and hard it is. It's like you can't breath just because they are around you. You're sarcastic because you're nervous. You lose all your appetite and you won't be able to stop staring them and you always hope they stare back at you the same way. But you never did...I am not your one, I never were. I can no longer accept what you've got to offer. If there was any chance, believe I'd wait for you, I'd walk a thousand miles if necessary. I know I'd do 'cause I love you more than I you will ever be able to explain but it's not worth it, we are not worth it and I cannot wait for something that may never arrive. I cannot be just your friend and this is the simplest reason I can give you now.



Love always,
Tommy

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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I don't know what I can save you from...

Hey peeps! Firstly, I looveee this song. I've heard it yesterday on a acquaintance's facebook wall and since then I cannot make myself stop from listening to it.  Second, I am having a weird couple of days. Don't know how to explain it, but anyway, it's probably nothing.
Hope you all are having a good day,

Talk soon,
Tommy

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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Hello Spring! :3

Hi peeps!
I am feeling much better than I felt when I wrote last night post. My emotions have gotten over me and I was feeling incredibly overwhelmed by their influence. I am feeling much better now, so thank you for caring. Yup, I just wanted to say that and wait just one more thing - I'll be short, promise - I've been getting these really good grades from most of my assignments from term 2 also known as spring term (I find this name so stupid as this term actually finishes on the day spring starts)  and I honestly am feeling quite happy and satisfied! I worked really hard so I definitely deserved them. It feels really good - I must point out!
On the down side, I haven't seen any of my friends, yet. It's a bit depressing, I must say.
Anyhow, bloggers! Let's give our best welcome to Spring, its colours and warmy weather. I've been waiting for you! May you all enjoy it freely and keep fighting for what you want.

Love always,
Tommy

PS. Btw, though I'm in Portugal, I have already started doing my upcoming assignments. Deadlines do not wait for anyone! You better hurry up if you don't want to see yourself missing the obvious ;)


"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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I don't know about you...

I don't know about you...If you've ever felt like this...like you love someone so but so much, to the point of fearing that your heart may not be capable of holding so many mixed feelings inside.  And you know, you shouldn't. And you've tried many times to move on from it but you cannot do it because you could never stand being in anyway far away that person.
This is me tonight and well, almost every night. Not every night cause I've been trying to content myself from feeling all that much everyday. It can't just be good....
I really like this boy, you know. And I am so afraid that I like him way too much and that may scare him away. Actually I am mostly scared he does not like me back. However, do you know something, I would understand if he did not. I am not pretty or blond or blue eyed or Caucasian or  skinner or anything interesting as a person. So yeah, I would understand why not but still that would tear me apart.  If he doesn't love me back or have ever loved me, I think I'd rather know it now than losing more time and years worshiping him from far away. I'm sure anyone can relate to this at some point of their life, really.

Love always,
Tommy

PS. I wonder, do people always feel like this during their entire life or is it just an adolescence thing?

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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...and BAM! I'm hooked!

Hi everyone.
So, at first I was listening to this portuguese singer and I was like "I am not sure whether I like it or not, but there's definitely something about him" and since then I've been listening to a lot of his songs and... BAM... I'm hooked. I totally love him, his voice, the rhythm of his songs, love it love it, love it all.
So, if you are willing to know a bit about the portuguese culture, I advice you all to listen to him - Miguel Araújo. Great start, for sure.
Well, I just passed by to post this, share these lovely songs and say that I'm having a really hard time accepting life's trials and I really needed a friend right now. So, if you come here regularly, just say something, show yourself, I would love to make a new friendf and I would to read what you have you to say.

Love always,
 Tommy





all right. just one more music that I'm compltely hooked on. This new song by P!nk. I mean, I've always loved her so, I had to love this - obviously. This new album is amazing and I am aware she does has better songs but at this stage of my life, I think I appreciate anything I can relate to and this song is so soft and strong, the same way I feel now. Furthermore, it's a dueto and I love duetos because I always picture myself singing it with someone I love and I love singing, though I may be the worst singer this planet has ever seen/heard of.
I can wait to learn to love again, and please someone new destiny. I could not stand love again the same person. It's just too much....


PS. Toda a gente sabe - elas, nós mulheres -que embora irritantes e de uma espécie alienígena, os homens são a nossa principal fonte de momentos felizes e de alguma animação, if you know what I mean lulz
Feliz dia do pai daddy! I love you. Always

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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what's next?

Hi everyone! what's up?
I thought I'd pass by to say that I am indeed alive and already travelled back to Portugal. It's good to be home, you know, just being with my family. But, we are going through to what I have been letting you all know in my latest posts and the more time I spend wondering, the more I realise I am so powerless against the pass. I cannot erase, change or even fix what have happened. My mom is not changing her mind, she lost her entire trust in brother. She told me a few more details that I wasn't aware of and it's even worse. I don't know how am I suppose to go through all this. I cannot just accept that this is it, He's my little brother, I am suppose to protect him from everything and everyone and I didn't do my job properly and left him by himself and he was not ready for life and neither were we. I don't know what to do and how to survive this family crisis. Advice and support are needed and accepted.
Love always,
Tommy

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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will you make me a sandwich?

Hey everyone!

I'm sort of on vacation right now. I know it's weird, we're in the middle of second term, how is it possible? I know, I know, I am taking my sort of vacation now, even though I will keep attending my classes at least for another week, because my next assignment is only due in April so I am taking this time to enjoy myself and organise my life and thoughts and watch my favourite movies ( there's this new tv serious called 'the carries diaries' that is based on the story of Carries Bradshaw from sex and the city but when she was younger and having her first adventures in Manhattan, NY. It's teen ish and girl ish but I do like it, the same way I like the pretty little liars. But not the same way I love the big bang theory or how I met your mother or happy endings or new girl. These four are my top favourite tv programs ever!!! simply hilarious and a very good way of spending your spare time. 

So, as I told, I'm kind of enjoying myself and watching these tv series and interesting vlogs on youtube about new make up stuff on drug stores and how to combine your old clothes and make these cute stylish outfits and many other random stuff. I always get lost on youtube. I watch pretty much anything I find interesting for a certain channel and then I keep watching all videos from that channel lulz. By the way, what's the thing with "the sandwich". I don't see why is it so hurtful, after all is just a sandwich and I tell you I basically live of those. I've read it on perks of being a wallflower and I've been hearing people saying it all the time and I don't really get it. Is it a code for something nasty? I don't know and I don't know if I will like to know it, that's why I haven't googled it yet haha If you do, let me know in an easy way please. Don't traumatise me. I'm a pretty sensible gal :p

Uh. In relation to my dilema about going or not going to portugal during easter holidays, dilema solved: I bought my fly ticket already and I'm flting on March 16th, departure from London heathrow. I'm already getting ready because I really want this trip to be steady and calm and not stressful at all. I'm tired of drama and problems arising all the time during these trips so this time I'll make it all perfect in order to just enjoy it while I'm reading a nice book or playing an addictive game on my tablet while I'm drinking my hot chocolate.  Just enjoying my flight as I am supposed to. So, I'm just making sure I have everything set up before the departure. 

I kind of regret, not kind of it, I truly regret buying this ticket. Not for the money, it was actually a pretty good deal but I just don't really want to face all the drama concentrated in Portugal. I just feel like I will fall apart and I am afraid I will be somehow as lonely as I am here, you know? You don't but just pretend you do. And I am working very hard, believe me, VERY HARD, to keep my pieces together and keep calm and sober. 

I'm always excited to see my friends though. It will be nice. it's only beentwo months this time so they probably did not have enough time to miss me ;) I always miss them because I spent a lot of time alone and my mind always picks up adorable moments I spent with them while I was in portugal for the last time, to remind, so I always think of them and wonder if they are truly doing okay and if they need me, I hope they know I am here to talk to them. I wish my friends skype more with me more. I skype all the time, almost everyday with my mom, dad and sister but I wish I could do it as well with my friends. 

A friend of mine, a really good friend, sometimes I forget it how great she is, pointed out that whether I like people or not here in England, I really should start creating a foundation of friends and family around here. I agree with her and I've tried several times but it has not been easy. I don't "click" with them or the other way around.

I was feeling a bit down this afternoon. Not blue, more like pissed off with the world and beauty queens. I don't hate anyone in specific, I just don't like people in general. Teenagers girls and young women and whatever you call girls from my generation. There is nothing wrong with them really. It's just they make it so hard to fit in, if they only knew. Anyway, so, I gave myself a little treat, to make me feel better about myself as I always should. So, I went online and bought these adorable combat boots I've been flirting and wanting them since they went to the stores in past autumn and I never really had the opportuny to buy ones, so I just treated myself a little and I am feeling much better. Can't wait for them to arrive. They will look gorgeous with these tan jeans I bought last month :3

This is me being random, boots and jeans and acessories are things I truly adore and also really frustrate me because I can't buy them all and they don't always look good in me.

Anyways, it's late night, actually it's almost dawn and once again my attempts to fall asleep did not move forward - I FAILED :( - so I am still awake. In the morning, I will regret this decision for sure but for anyhow, I thought I'd post a little something, totally a random post and just say hi and let you know I am doing better and will be travelling again to my homeland very soon (this saturday!)

Love always, 

Tommy

PS. Alright, this link goes to this adorable blog from an acquaintance of mine. She was my colleague and I've always had a link to her blog here on Mk, in my favourite blogs section, but I really wanted to highlight today because I think she is really talented and more people - people who are fluent in portuguese - should definitely check her blog and comment and get inspired because her writing really does that. So, yeah that's it! :) http://carapauvsmaster.blogspot.co.uk/

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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With every small disaster, I'll let the waters still...take me away to some place real

First of all, International Women's Day! We are women, we've conquered the world. We demanded our rights and we are ruling it, so congratulations to you all. Happy women's day :) May we never forget what our mothers have been through so that we are able to enjoy the freedom we have today. Freedom of thoughts and acts is quite subjective. Not every woman has been using in the right way (another subjective term), not every woman has it, nonetheless most of us have and therefore must cherish it and accept the consequences of the decisions we've taken because of it. May we have the fathers and chosen the husbands who will love us no matter what, above all. May we be treated as we deserve and not cover ourselves behind princesses masks.
Having said that, let's move forward to another, same subject of these last five/six days. I do not want to share my worries anymore. There are things, I should, I must keep to myself. I am still having a hard time accepting all that has been happening. My mind is still going crazy trying to find an explanation to what happened and hoping I will wake up soon and everything will be gone as a stupid non-sense nightmare. I am not trying to find excuses to what he's done, I'm looking reasons. For a glimmer the person I thought I knew. Please don't patronise me. I'm no fool. I know. I just know it all. As someone who loves him tremendously, as someone who would give anything not to seeing him suffering or prisoner of an addiction, I am just trying to understand this and understand where this leave us all, where do I fit here? Where my family, our concept of family fits here? It's so much easier when it's only a program you're watching on tv about a family that has been through this and as much as you feel touched by it, it will all be gone as soon as you turn off the tv. Not this time. Where my heart, my worries, my care, my desire to help, to protect, cherish and look after, stay in all this? I hope in someplace safe where I strong enough to help.

With every small disaster
I'll let the waters still
Take me away to some place real
'Cause they say home is where your heart is set in stone
It's where you go when you're alone
It's where you go to rest your bones
It's not just where you lay your head
It's not just where you make your bed
As long as we're together, does it matter where we go?

Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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I just want to be okay, I just want to be okay today.

It's like I am trying to organise my thoughts and try to make sense of the world and what surrounds me but I feel so lost. I cannot rest and think properly. I have this stupid assignment that I haven't done much: lack of time, lack of focus, call it whatever you want, all I know is that I cannot simply rest knowing that I am powerless to help the one I am supposed to help. I help people everyday and I cannot help the person who is my duty as sister to help. It is just so frustrating and sad. And I will keep on praying and talking like everything is okay with my mom because I know that is what she needs and I know, even though she does not let it go for others, this is very hard for her too but this time she has to do something, she cannot just say he will feel the consequences and not do it, he must feel it. You see? I know all of it. I understand it perfectly. However I cannot accept it. Not my little brother. Not far from me too. Having my sister in Brasil even though I can talk to her almost everyday is very hard. I believe for people who have twins siblings will understand this. Because we only have a year of difference, because we went to school at same time and remained at the same class for almost until secondary school, our bond is very strong. We did everything together. We went through everything as a pair, the sister galhardo not tomazia or hortencia, the sisters you know. I can just tell what she is feeling by a look and she can do the same, you know. It's that easy. I know everything possible about her and I did not ask a lot of stuff, I simply know it. And now not knowing when will I see her again, when will I save enough money to buy that expensive ticket to go to Brasil and stay for few weeks and then not see her for months perhaps years is painfu and not an easy picture to have in mind. And now, my little brother, my sweet innocent little brother. My adorable brother. So stupid and funny and tall and clever and handsome. How am I supposed to move on with my life when my family is falling apart. I cannot build up a life over misery, when members of my family are heading into different directions. That is not what I wanted to my life. Seeing my mother twice or three times a year. Not seeing my brother or my sister. This not what I asked for when I made this stupid decision. I should have never decided to come here. For the first time, I regret doing this. All of this. I wish have sticked with what I had like everybody else. Look what it brought. It's all my stupid DAMN stupid fault! I could have made my sister changed her mind about going to Brasil. I could have given my little brother the attention and support he needed not to ruin his life. Everything could have been avoided and my family would have remained together. Maybe my sister and I, after taking our degrees, we could have come here to England with my little brother. Get jobs and find an adorable place for the three of us. The three of us together, as my mother wanted, as we all wanted. And visit my parents on our holidays vactions or they could visit us, though that would not be such a good idea as the place might be too small for the five of us. That should have been the plan. Not otherwise. This is all going wrong. My head could just blow right now. I would appreaciate if that happened, actually. Just blow, once for all and leave me the hell alone. rested and unpreoccupied and and not powerless. 

I cannot do anything to change things. My sister cannot and won't come back to Portugal, my brother will feel the serious consequences I have been warning him for years, I have always trusted him, I always thought he had the sense to choose between right and wrong, good and bad. I trusted I thought him that, we thought him that. After we didn't. And as much as we talk to him now, we never know what he will do and with whom... 

It is 5 in the morning and I will try to finish this stupid report. I mean, start. I don't know because I cannot focus. My mind is going crazy. I just really needed someone by my side. Nothing has been so hard for me before. And I am completely alone and feeling lost and lonely and sad. I always thought that I am better off without people but I really needed a friend. Just someone, right here, right now.

My family have been through several deaths, so much sickness, multiples serious family conflicts and so much more and still we've remained unbreakable, and now distance, now all of this...You may think I am overreacting, part of me agrees with you "racionalize Tommy!" but I can't. This is my family for god's sake. There is nothing in the world more precious and important to me. And all this is very hard for me. I can't do this. I can't. 

Somewhere over the rainbow
The bluebirds fly so high
Birds fly over the rainbow
Why then oh why can't I

wiping off my tears,
Tommy

 "Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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Love and fight for what is worth fighting and loving for. Always.

So, this past weekend was an extreme and hard weekend for me. A lot of stuff happened. I had serious fight with my grandmother and even though I tried to be as polite as I could, I just lost it.
This wasn't still the reason behind my last post, I'm over this fight already. Honestly I do not want to see my grandmother for awhile, I need to process the fact that she always had ulterior reasons behind everything she did and does not care about me or my siblings or even my dad at all. But well, this is not surprising for me, I knew it, just not this clearly.  However, I have to remind that I owe to my uncle to not simply disappear. He needs me and I never leave a soul behind, even more a such a pure soul.
Moving on, the reason behind my last post was my youngest brother. He really disappointed me and I feel like it is partially my fault everything he is going through now and will go through in the futute. I was in a really bad place yesterday. I could not believe that my adorable kid who makes silly cover of songs with me and asks me about girls would be able to do that. Well, since yesterday I had a few hours of sleep that helped a lot and I was able to consider all that has happened and possible consequences and I know who I am supposed to be now and what I can do and will do in order to help him. I am not going to be that kind sister that believes in every lie he tells. I know he is a nice kid and though I tried to protect him, he needs to learn the hard way what life is capable of. Things have consequences and I hope he fears a lot for the consequences of his latest action because they won't be nice, neither to his health or future.
Love and fight always,
Tommy

PS. I know I should not feel this way. I trust in God and Jesus Christ plans for me and for my family, I just fear the future so much...

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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I keep trying to move forward but there’s always a thing getting in way and it is always stronger than the last one. And I am so tired and I start to believe that there is no reason to keep trying to move forward when there will always be something ruining it. Every single week there is something to cry about. And I am so tired of crying and I have no tears left.  Honestly, I feel lost powerless. And I knew this could happen and I took my decision anyway so it is my fault, I predict this and I still just thought of myself anyway.  So, it is my fault.

Love sometimes,

Tommy

 

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado

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