It's like I am trying to organise my thoughts and try to make sense of the world and what surrounds me but I feel so lost. I cannot rest and think properly. I have this stupid assignment that I haven't done much: lack of time, lack of focus, call it whatever you want, all I know is that I cannot simply rest knowing that I am powerless to help the one I am supposed to help. I help people everyday and I cannot help the person who is my duty as sister to help. It is just so frustrating and sad. And I will keep on praying and talking like everything is okay with my mom because I know that is what she needs and I know, even though she does not let it go for others, this is very hard for her too but this time she has to do something, she cannot just say he will feel the consequences and not do it, he must feel it. You see? I know all of it. I understand it perfectly. However I cannot accept it. Not my little brother. Not far from me too. Having my sister in Brasil even though I can talk to her almost everyday is very hard. I believe for people who have twins siblings will understand this. Because we only have a year of difference, because we went to school at same time and remained at the same class for almost until secondary school, our bond is very strong. We did everything together. We went through everything as a pair, the sister galhardo not tomazia or hortencia, the sisters you know. I can just tell what she is feeling by a look and she can do the same, you know. It's that easy. I know everything possible about her and I did not ask a lot of stuff, I simply know it. And now not knowing when will I see her again, when will I save enough money to buy that expensive ticket to go to Brasil and stay for few weeks and then not see her for months perhaps years is painfu and not an easy picture to have in mind. And now, my little brother, my sweet innocent little brother. My adorable brother. So stupid and funny and tall and clever and handsome. How am I supposed to move on with my life when my family is falling apart. I cannot build up a life over misery, when members of my family are heading into different directions. That is not what I wanted to my life. Seeing my mother twice or three times a year. Not seeing my brother or my sister. This not what I asked for when I made this stupid decision. I should have never decided to come here. For the first time, I regret doing this. All of this. I wish have sticked with what I had like everybody else. Look what it brought. It's all my stupid DAMN stupid fault! I could have made my sister changed her mind about going to Brasil. I could have given my little brother the attention and support he needed not to ruin his life. Everything could have been avoided and my family would have remained together. Maybe my sister and I, after taking our degrees, we could have come here to England with my little brother. Get jobs and find an adorable place for the three of us. The three of us together, as my mother wanted, as we all wanted. And visit my parents on our holidays vactions or they could visit us, though that would not be such a good idea as the place might be too small for the five of us. That should have been the plan. Not otherwise. This is all going wrong. My head could just blow right now. I would appreaciate if that happened, actually. Just blow, once for all and leave me the hell alone. rested and unpreoccupied and and not powerless.
I cannot do anything to change things. My sister cannot and won't come back to Portugal, my brother will feel the serious consequences I have been warning him for years, I have always trusted him, I always thought he had the sense to choose between right and wrong, good and bad. I trusted I thought him that, we thought him that. After we didn't. And as much as we talk to him now, we never know what he will do and with whom...
It is 5 in the morning and I will try to finish this stupid report. I mean, start. I don't know because I cannot focus. My mind is going crazy. I just really needed someone by my side. Nothing has been so hard for me before. And I am completely alone and feeling lost and lonely and sad. I always thought that I am better off without people but I really needed a friend. Just someone, right here, right now.
My family have been through several deaths, so much sickness, multiples serious family conflicts and so much more and still we've remained unbreakable, and now distance, now all of this...You may think I am overreacting, part of me agrees with you "racionalize Tommy!" but I can't. This is my family for god's sake. There is nothing in the world more precious and important to me. And all this is very hard for me. I can't do this. I can't.
The bluebirds fly so high
Birds fly over the rainbow
Why then oh why can't I
Tommy
"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado
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