Screaming in silence

So, what I'm about to write is silly, as usual, but I still want to write it down and hope this girl forgives me because I didn't mean it.
So, there was this girl, a colleague. At the time, she has just moved from Guinea and I always had a vey low self esteem, always thought myself as the ugliest girl in the school and some days, even the dumbest, sloppiest, darkest skin and fatter. Anyway, I've got issues with my lookings, you all know that by now. So, when she arrived, I thought to myself, well, I think I'm prettier and smarter than this girl what was stupid since she has just moved and didn't have to time adapt herself and create a daily caracter to present to other people. And that thought made me feel better, just a little better. But when you can't see good things about yourself is a step out of the dark place. By then, I felt bad for using her to make me feel better. Always hate comparisons because I always lost them relatively to other gurls. So, for the first time, I was a better girlfriend  material than someone. But in a while, I've been noticing a lot of changes in this girl. She's thinner, better looking and now even has a boyfriend with whom she looks very happy.
And now the only I could find to make me feel better about myself is now gorgeous and stuff and has a boyfriend and I'm still me, a few pounds fatter than I used to be, quite siller and lots and lots more insecure, but still me.
I feel bad for what I used her image for, but I feel much worse for not having now someone who I think looks much worse than I do. Ugliest girl in the world back on track. YAY.
I'm being silly, I know. It's just sad that I need other people to feel better about myself. It's just so sad, you know..
Anyway, I just don't feel okay today. I'm so afraid of going back. Back there, I was in a dark place, every single day. I spent all days eating almost nothing and running between university and appointments and thinking and listening to the same depressing music and talking to myslelf and crying and missing people who don't miss me back and wondering and solving stuff that have nothing to do with me and being mad, like hard time mad and shouting in silence and feeling bad like now about myself.

I think it's all and I'll try to get some sleep now. I need to sleep and I think you as my friend understand what I'm feeling and won't judge. Hope tomorrow's a new brand day.
Nighty night. Love always,
Tommy

"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado