Hi everyone! I wrote this post last night. If you don't have time or the patient right now, I don't advise you to read. It's somewhat boring, essentially just me complaining about life. So if you don't care, you better focus on other things, it's a quite a long post. However, if you do have the time and the patience. Go on and let me know what you think.
- So, I
finally got home. It was a troubled trip, I mean, even more troubled than the
usual, which means it was pretty hardcore. Anyway, not feeling like talking
about it or bragging about my unbelievable bad luck when it comes such things
or pretty much everything in general. The important is that I got home safe and
tired and found a nightmare in the form of letters - yes, is true story. Found
a bunch of letters with bills and other stuff. This house goes way above my
earnings and possibilities and I knew that when I moved in but I’d hope it
would be a temporary thing. I will eventually have to leave it. I cannot stand
spending this much and not having a full time work...Don’t know what I will be
quite doing about it yet…I’m worried, stressed out, confused, still tired and
trying to recover of this long, way too long trip. I’ll make my way out of this
trouble, hopefully. Well, the house and the bills aren’t my only problems.
University and family are just alongside. I have to finish my last report. I’ve
finished all the others in Portugal. Just have to finish this one more and I
think I did a damn good work on it tonight. I’m still missing doing the
introduction and discussion section, but everything else is done and that’s a
relief. Tomorrow once I’m awake and finish doing my housing affairs, I’m going
to head up straightly to university’s library and spend the whole day coffin in
there, searching among the books and finishing this report, hopefully TOMORROW.
Don’t have any more days to spend on this. I have to worry about other
important stuff – you know, my criminology assignment. I haven’t found a group yet
and my lovely professor hasn’t replied my emails, so I’m bloody screwed! It’s
50% of my module final mark. I have to find a way of doing this. I cannot stay
back at a module I have put so much work into. I mean, really, I worked a lot.
I don’t remember working as much in anything else in my life. I didn’t copy a
word from anywhere else. I did it all by myself, I’m really proud of what I
conquered so far and I cannot die at the seashore. I’ve gone so far, not dying
here, so my plan is, once I’m done with this report, I’m going to ask a friend
of mine to double check it for me, because I never see my stupid errors and I
don’t have time to worry about them now and then, I’m going to try to
understand what is the criminology assignment about and start doing it all by
myself in less than 10 days. Yes, because that’s all I’ve got left. 10 days to
do by myself the biggest assignment of this year. Who am I kidding? I’m
screwed. There’s no way I’m making this up in 10 days. It’s at least a month
thing and in 5 people group. AT LEAST. I’m so screwed!
Gosh, my
life’s all so wrong. My family‘s visibly falling apart. I didn’t even get the
opportunity to say goodbye to my little brother before leaving. He wasn’t home.
I waited for him as long as I could but I had to go otherwise I would miss my
stupid flight that SURPRISE SURPRISE, WAS DELAYED! Isn’t it funny? Perhaps for
you -.- Anyway, now he can be going away at any time, pretty much, and I won’t
even be able to hug him, wish him luck, tell him that no matter what I will
always be there for him and that he can count on me, in case he doesn’t know
already, and I will be expecting to see him in much better shape in a near
future. I won’t be able to say a thing and when I come back he won’t be
FREAKING HOME.
Gosh, I
miss my sister. She would know what to say. And now due to a stupid mistake of
my broadband supplier I’m off broadband for “several days” as a staff from
T-MOBILE put it on the phone. SEVERAL DAYS? They have to freaky kidding with
me? How am I supposed to contact with my family? How am I supposed to contact
with, let’s the outside world? I see no one, talk to no one for several days?
Don’t Finish doing my damn reports and submit them in time? Well, obviously
they don’t care and I can’t do anything else but wait.
Obviously
I’m finishing my reports and that’s why I’m going to stay until late night
tomorrow at library, don’t have other options, so I gotta do what I gotta do
-.-
Anyway, now
I’m curled in my bed sheets and blankets while writing this up and trying to
take my mind off…life and its problems.
It’s hard
getting used to be around people and then suddenly leaving them. Exactly when
everything was starting to get a lil bit better. My friends were finally
finding time to see me. I was finally starting to accept the consequences of my
brother’s acts and not so annoyed by my cousin music’s choices. I was finally
getting used to see my mommy coming back from work and asking her if anything
interesting had happened that day or asking my stepfather if there are any
improvements in the real estate department and whether he’s been able to sell
any house, condos lately.
I was
getting used to the life I had before. It was a good life, you know. Now I see
it. It sucks being home by yourself. Though I have this AMAZING taste in music
that allows me some good moments, overall it sucks. It’s too silent, it’s too
depressing and with no internet, OH DEAR, almost suicidal, no kidding. But
well, on the good side, I’ve been able to read A LOT. I mean, a hell of A LOT.
I read an ENTIRE BOOK TODAY. 300 pages
of a generally good book. Not the best I’ve read, not even quite it, but good,
it was fine. So, for me reading a book as such in a day it was really because I
didn’t want to feel alone, you know. I’m not saying the name of the book
because I’m feeling a lil bit embarrassed of having read it. I mean, there’s
nothing weird about it, but for some reason it showed me a kinky version of
myself and I’m not quite sure I like it, so I’m not telling which book was it –
YET.
Sorry for
writing a lot, but now that I do not have internet to distract myself, writing
is pretty much all I can think of doing. I may start a brand new diary aka journal. The
last time I wrote in my old diary was over a year ago and it wasn’t much. I was
already almost an entire year almost without writing in it, before it, so, it’s
been a long time since I keep a diary and I kind of miss it, though I don’t
have much to tell now since it’s just me and my sucky problems.
I guess you
all are very bored by now and I honestly would like to stop writing but I can’t
stop myself. I have to tell something to someone. Don’t know where this urge
comes from, but I do. Funny thing about not being online is that I don’t miss
facebook. I thought I’d miss it a lot more, but I don’t. It shows to me that I
actually may be able to delete it some time. I’ve been keen to delete facebook
over a year but I never go on with my decison because I always realised I’d
miss it too much. But I don’t. AT ALL. Not a single thing. Not even the
possibility of talking to my friends. I much prefer emailing them, anyway. I
may not delete it but stop using it. Just let it be there. Do not upload new
photos or be online or contact people. Just let it stand there, like my twitter
account. I have my twitter account since EVER and never really used it. I don’t
think what I have to share with the world can be summarised in a few random
words put altogether to form a sentence. That’s not me or I don’t it is. But
again, who am I? The question of our lives, isn’t it? I’ve come to understand
that I know a lot of who I am not. However I am still finding the person I am.
I would like to be more experienced. In pretty much everything, if you want me
to honest.
For
instance, the virginity thing. I would like to get over with it. Honestly, just
get over with it; I don’t like the fact is such a great deal. On the other
hand, I don’t want to be another one. I want it to be special; with someone I’m
in love with and want to marry someday. It may sound old-fashioned but I do
want to marry the guy with whom I’ll have my first time. And likewise I want to
get over with it, this entire big fussy drama people from my generation make
about and around it, it bothers and freaks the hell out me, a little.
So, I just
want to get over with it, but not at any cost, obviously. So, you pervert
reading this, don’t you even dare wondering.
Nowadays,
you can count the ones in celibate. People sleep with everybody. Specially
teens. Once they find the perks of sex, they can’t stop thinking about it. And
guys see girls as a pleasure instrument and then, when they are done, thrown
them away. And some girls also do this to guys or to other girls, as matter of
fact.
Anyway, we
are living in a sex era. Sex is the new toy. Everyone wants to do it. Some even
get so much that get addicted like a real addiction. It’s real, folks. I’ve
read a lot about it, including confession of sex addicts.
Anyway, I’m
no expert, in the contrary, but I think people are searching in sex what they
should be searching in their partner instead – love. Well, some. Others are
just about the pleasure they get from it. Why am I talking about this again?
Gosh, hmmmn,
well… I’ll finish with this, don’t know a thing about sex but know that loves
goes beyond it. It’s a much bigger picture, you people. Don’t get lost in the
details.
I’m
listening to crazy little thing called love by Queen. I can spend days just
listening to Queen without getting sick of Freddy’s voice. How can one really
get sick of his voice? I’ve heard it but cannot believe it. Impossibruuu
mission for me.
Going on,
going to come back to my reading. Have some catching up to do in relation to
everyone else in my class regarding the must-read articles.
Being
myself really sucks...
Love
always,
Tommy
"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado
