Nowadays, I don't interact much with the outiside world. So all the lives I see passing by me seem trivial, fake, uninteresting.
I look at my sister and all that she's done to be with her happy ending guy (I haven't forgiven her if that's what your wondering) and I understand that as hard as fighting against the world must be, just for having someone to join her in this fight makes everything so much better. She even appears stronger enough for the two of them standing in front of everyone. I really think it is all very impressive, even admirable. I don't agree how they are doing things and sorting their lives out, though . However, I'm starting to understand that I no longer have a say in her life. It's not my life, not up to me, it's not even just her life anymore, it's theirs. Hope they make it work :)
My life isn't perfect, you know. There a lot I'd like to share that I can't bring myself to. It is just too personal. You ask: How come there is more personal stuff than you already share? Well, I don't know. I have just so much, so many diverse things and at the same time nothing, a big hole happening inside of me. And because I never spend enough time with anyone really to enable myself to open, I cannot do it. I was talking to Niny yesterday and I've noticed how long it's been since we've talked and how long it's been since we really talked like the best friends we used to be and how long it's been since I've seen her and it kind of makes me sad to think that's what the future brings to me. A enormous consciousness of myself and lonliness...
My only source of joy is the future I've always dreamt and foreseen for myself. If you want me to be really honest, lately it has been even harder than the usual to stick with it. All these dreams, the free-spirit I've imagined myself as, all of it seems as trivial as fake as pointless as the paperish city I live in. I renounced all I had, which at the time, didn't seem much for the sake of a dream that is making me stand all alone just with it. 2012 really helped me understand who I am not. Who I am stands a mistery.
So far what I understood about myself was the following:
- I am the girl who cannot tell a lie and forgets it. I will consume myself until the last bit until I tell the truth to someone I think that deserves it above it all. And I will do it in act of pure despair.
- I am the girl who will only dress up and wear any make up if she's gonna meet someone she likes. I pick the clothes I'm wearing trivially, whatever shows up, I'll probably wear it. I don't care if I'm even matching lately. I just shower, wear whatever I see first and leave home.
- I am the girl who probably won't be able to eat anything until she feels safe. When I feel super nervous because I have something inside of me that I have to share with someone specific, I can't eat, like at all. And all my trials of eating end up in me biting small pieces of whatever I have in my plate and pissing whoever is with me off. I don't do it on purpose. I really want to eat but because I am nervous I can't do it.
- The same way I talk a lot, changing from subject to subject when I'm nervous, almost like a bipolar person.
2012 turned all lights to me and I've never enjoyed being noticed (not that like being a complete blur to most people). Acting under pressure as I've been doing has never been my speciality. I'm afraid of screwing up, this time my life. Following my dreams hasn't been as satisfying as I projected...
My only source of joy is the future I've always dreamt and foreseen for myself. If you want me to be really honest, lately it has been even harder than the usual to stick with it. All these dreams, the free-spirit I've imagined myself as, all of it seems as trivial as fake as pointless as the paperish city I live in. I renounced all I had, which at the time, didn't seem much for the sake of a dream that is making me stand all alone just with it. 2012 really helped me understand who I am not. Who I am stands a mistery.
So far what I understood about myself was the following:
- I am the girl who cannot tell a lie and forgets it. I will consume myself until the last bit until I tell the truth to someone I think that deserves it above it all. And I will do it in act of pure despair.
- I am the girl who will only dress up and wear any make up if she's gonna meet someone she likes. I pick the clothes I'm wearing trivially, whatever shows up, I'll probably wear it. I don't care if I'm even matching lately. I just shower, wear whatever I see first and leave home.
- I am the girl who probably won't be able to eat anything until she feels safe. When I feel super nervous because I have something inside of me that I have to share with someone specific, I can't eat, like at all. And all my trials of eating end up in me biting small pieces of whatever I have in my plate and pissing whoever is with me off. I don't do it on purpose. I really want to eat but because I am nervous I can't do it.
- The same way I talk a lot, changing from subject to subject when I'm nervous, almost like a bipolar person.
2012 turned all lights to me and I've never enjoyed being noticed (not that like being a complete blur to most people). Acting under pressure as I've been doing has never been my speciality. I'm afraid of screwing up, this time my life. Following my dreams hasn't been as satisfying as I projected...
Love always,
Tommy
Though the city burns under red lights
I'm just fine, I'm just fine
Made with perfect sounds out of daylight
I'm just fine, I'm just fine.. I'm just fine
"Façam o Favor de Ser Felizes" - Raul Solnado
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